Guys Turning Girly at Alarming Pace

It’s official: Guys are doomed to become pansies by the end of the next decade.

A study, to be released tomorrow, indicates that a host of circumstances endangers the male gender, including male body washes, facial ointments, hair and clothing styles, wimpy little “green” cars, anti-smoking laws, and tiny bottles of liquor. The study, backed by some of the world’s leading scientists, warns that all men will lose their masculinity within a decade if the government does nothing to stop it.

“This means no more scratching, hanging out in bars, or fart jokes. And let’s not even discuss skirt chasing. Can you imagine how quickly the population will decline? It’s a dangerous situation. The metrosexual culture is taking over. If we don’t do something to stop it, manhood will be lost forever,” says Al Gore, a former man himself, who wrote the report.

The dangers in the report are not exclusive to male homo sapiens, all of whom Gore would like to see on the endangered species list. The feminization of males has spread to the animal kingdom as well, including polar bears, who are being born with both male and female genitalia at a frightening pace.

“I do have to say, though, that having both genitalia could be very interesting,” Gore added.

Scientists warned yesterday that the mass of evidence added up to a grave warning for both wildlife and humans. Professor Charles Tyler, an expert on endocrine disrupters at the University of Exeter, says that the evidence in the report "set off alarm bells." Whole male populations could be at risk, he said, because their gene pool would be reduced, making them less able to withstand the ability to be “the man of the house,” wear pants, be the breadwinner, and reproduce, exponentially putting them at risk of becoming useful for nothing more than sex slaves.

In response to news of the report, uber manly man Chuck Norris and Pip Cornall, author of much manliness, announced the reformation of the He Man Women Haters Club. Meetings will take place secretly at an undisclosed site yet to be determined.