Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Meatloaf’s Surprise: Gas To Run Out; Singer Bursts In Response

Outdated rock ‘n roll singer Meatloaf exploded Tuesday after learning he could get better gas mileage by losing weight.

“You’re kidding me!” he said when learning of a University of Illinois study that concluded America will be out of fuel by the end of 2020 if fat people don’t exercise, lose weight, and become generally miserable because they’re no longer fat and content. [Full disclosure: Your stupid narrator is fat and content.]

“Hell, if I had known I could burn more fossil fuels by eating another hamburger a day, I would have done it earlier. But it’s never too late to get fatter!” Meatloaf said, plodding across the street to a McDonald’s.

The singer, famous for albums he didn’t write, such as Bat out of Hell, Bat out of Hell II, and Bat out of Hell III (not that his handlers were obsessed with small rabid nocturnal cave-dwelling creatures, or anything), was later taken to a nearby hospital shortly after hearing the news, because his stomach burst. A TV crew captured this video of the incident:

Meanwhile, the new study by University of Illinois computer science professor Sheldon H. Jacobson and doctoral student Douglas King estimates weight-based fuel consumption will cause the average American vehicle to get less than 10 mpg by the end of the decade. As a result, Americans will buy more and more fuel, as they get fatter and fatter, until the world’s oil reserves run dry by the end of 2020.

It’s a bold prediction, but Jacobson wasn’t backing down from his findings.

“Growing overweight and obesity rates in the United States continue to increase fuel consumption by adding extra passenger weight to vehicles,” said Jacobson, who also is the director of the university’s simulation and optimization laboratory. “More than 1 billion gallons of fuel consumed each year can be attributed to this excess weight. Fat Americans will strip this planet bare of its essential elements, and in another 12 years we’ll be so fat we won’t even be able to walk the billions of miles of empty highways, empty because all of the oil will be gone.”

Oprah Winfrey, celebrity yo-yo dieter now said to be well over 200 pounds (yet again), condemned the study. “I’m fat, and I’m happy. What’s wrong with that?..Oh! and can I say another reason why I’m happy? Barack Obama Won! America, I’M SO HAPPPPPYYYYY!!!!! Oh, yeah, and fat!”


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