Wednesday, April 8, 2009

SHOCKER! Obama Offers Cuba Statehood

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to dramatically speed-up relations following a visit to Cuba by six House members in the Congressional Black Caucus (all Democrats), President b. Hussein offered Cuba the historic opportunity to become part of the United States.

“The Cold War ceased a generation ago but relations with our comrades in Cuba have remained frozen ever since,” b. Hussein said, reading from his teleprompter. “It is time this island of hope experiences a fast and rewarding thaw.” Looking up from his teleprompter, the president continued: “We…ahh…would like to make… ahh…an…ahhh… hist…ah…historic… um…um…hold on…I’m tired…hold on, now…announcement. The United States has…ah…offered Cuba the cha…umm…opportunity to become…ahh…the 58th state.”

After a brief second or two of confusion, while his teleprompter flashed blue and red halogen warning lights, the president quickly corrected himself: “The 50th state…I mean…ahh…the 51st state.”

The stunning announcement comes after Caucus leader Rep. Barbara Lee, a Democrat from California, visited with Cuban President Raol Castro and his revolutionary brother and former Cuban president, Fidel.

“It was an amazing visit,” Lee said. “It was everything Michael Moore said it would be. We found cheap medicine, and a great doctor who never even went to medical school! The neighborhoods were beautiful, much more so than most neighborhoods in America…you just can’t imagine what they can do with tin roofing and a 1955 Chevy down there! And the music! Oh my gosh! I met this young strapping dancer named Adolfo. Wow! Like…we danced all night and downed what must have been…like…20 mojitos each, and…well…like…I don’t really remember the rest, but I definitely want him to become my page here in D.C.!”

Nancy Pelosi, speaker of the House, said granting statehood normally would require Congressional approval, according to the Constitution. “But since we have all of Congress and the White House and believe that document is outdated anyway, we just felt there wasn’t any need to consult the Republicans, since we’d still win. I told El Apologista (“The Apologist”) he could just draft an executive order and save lots of valuable Congressional time and less valuable taxpayer money, and just get it over with in the Oval Office. Besides, we have a $4 trillion budget to shove down the American people’s throats this month. Oh…did I say that out loud? I meant, we have to move on with the important task of creating a more robust global economy and increasing global control over our interests, and it starts with the president’s budget plan for 2010.”

b. Hussein is said to be very fond of Castro’s communist imagery and is looking forward to consulting with the leader of the Cuban Revolution on some ideas of his own for national artwork in America.

A source familiar with negotiations, who chose to remain anonymous because the White House has no idea what they’re doing any given moment of the day, said the Castro brothers were considering the offer if the president would:
  • Make Fidel Secretary of Re-education and immediately outlaw homeschooling, religious schools, and any other schooling not directly following the government’s agenda.
  • Install Raol as governor of Florida and give him Miami for use as his personal palace.
  • Apologize for 50 years of American arrogance toward Cuba, the Cuban people, Cuban cigars, Cuban rum, Cuban sharks, and Cuban boats.
When told of the news, Luis Guillermo Fortuño-Burset, governor of Puerto Rico, declared a holiday. With the U.S. adding Cuba as the 51st U.S. state, along with her valuable exports of Communism and poverty, it virtually guarantees residents of Puerto Rico will continue to enjoy the benefits of a self-governing commonwealth under the U.S. Constitution without having to pay any federal taxes whatsoever.


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