Sunday, April 26, 2009

BREAKING: Obama Authorizes New Torture Directives!

Startling details emerged this morning, indicating that president b. Hussein plans to round up conservatives nationwide as political prisoners and implement new torture directives.

A transcript of a meeting the president held earlier this week in the White House with key members of his administration follows, once again thanks to conservative implant Bo:

(With apologies to IMAO)


Gentlemen. And Janet. Hilary, I’m not sure what you are anymore. Anyway. I’ve brought you all together to put this torture business to rest once and for all.

That’s a relief, sir. We thought you were being a little wishy-washy.




I have some ideas, Mein F├╝hrer.



We’re going to release all of the Gitmo detainees onto the streets of America, right?

Yes…we’ve asked them to do something about the homeless.

*crack* glugglugglugglug. What, like turn them all into jihadists?

Pretty much, Joe.

Rather than close Gitmo, let’s just round up the conservatives and put them there.

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Janet, I like your thinking, but I thought we were talking about the torture issue?

I was getting to that, sir.

It’s taking you enough time. *crack* glugglugglugglug. Hell, I’ve been able to down two beers since you opened your mouth.


If I may continue…. We’ll issue new directives, sir. We’ll force all of those dirty conservatives to watch Queer Eye for 8 hours a day, broadcast the audio book version of Open Veins of Latin America: Five Centuries of the Pillage of a Continent into their cells for another 8 hours, and play Liberace music for the rest of the time.



Go on.

We’ll get Hannity to start making confessions that he’s really a closet queen who’s been voting for liberals for 20 years, and we’ll tape it and broadcast it to all of his listeners!

Oooh! I like it!

Yeah! Get him to say he voted for me!

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No. Me!

*crack* glugglugglugglug. I’m liking this. It’s some real change.

Right! And we can have them all wear pink underwear!


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Good one, Eric!

And then we can make them all have sex with me!


OOOH....I don't know. That’s really terrifying, Nancy. *crack* glugglugglugglug. I’m not sure we’d want to go that far.


Yes, Nancy. I think that would be taking things just a little too far. I’m not sure the American people will approve. I’m not sure any people would approve.

Well…Nancy…I’ll have sex with you.

Yeah. Me too!




That’s quite enough! Why don’t we just let the she males go into another room and do their thing, while the rest of us get down to some serious discussion about serious torture, such as making Hannity wear suits and listen to Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews on DVR all day long and force him to have a drinking contest with Joe Biden?

YEAH! Good one, Bo! WOOT! WOOT!

Hah! Hah!

I think we can justify that under the Constitution, sir.

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Excellent torture, Bo! Good boy!

(whispers) arf….

Good lord, do I really have to continue on with his assignment?


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