This image was taken today of Kerry, dressed as a Somali pirate, just before he fled the deck of the Maersk Alabama, the cargo ship hijacked yesterday in the Indian Ocean.
Sources say Kerry was pretending to be the ship’s captain but became enraged when informed the actual captain, Richard Phillips, was not far away, drifting with his fellow pirates in a lifeboat. The lifeboat, like Kerry’s political career, was out of gas.
In a fit of anger, Kerry tried to shoot himself in the shoulder, but he couldn’t figure out how to load his weapon. Instead, he flung Vietnam medals at the lifeboat, before jumping overboard and disappearing.
Back in Washington his stunt double, John Scary, mock angrily vowed to hold an investigation into the abduction of Phillips and the continued lawlessness off the Somali coast.
When asked, “Why the long face, John?” and how hearings would save Phillips in time, Kerry threw Vietnam medals at the reporter.
"There have been more than 50 attacks in the area this year alone and the problem isn’t going away,” he said. “I plan to hold hearings to further examine the growing threat of piracy and all the policy options that need to be on the table before the next fire drill becomes an international incident with big implications.”
The president referred comment on the matter to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, saying only that America does not need to interfere with the business of the hardworking Somali pirates. He apologized for the arrogance of the Alabama's captain to sail a ship flying the American flag off the Somali coast.
Clinton, who called Kerry a great patriot, said he was probably just trying to fool the Somali pirates into letting Phillips go.
“The fact that he’s now disappeared tells me that he’s on a mission to round up the heads of states in the region, to request an international meeting, gather data, and plan sessions to determine just how we might save Mr. Phillips before he starves to death, or dies from heat exhaustion, lack of thirst, and the inhalation of bad pirate body odor,” Clinton said. "Senator Kerry did, after all, want my job."