Since Dr. Dave planted this kid today to ask me that question during a town hall meeting I spoke at in New Orleans, I had Anita Dunn commandeer this dumbass web site so I could post my official response. So I could be clear. Or clearer than I was when I told that kid in public:
I think that you've got to take it with a grain of salt. Some of it is just what's called politics where, you know, once one party wins, then the other party kind of gets -- feels like it needs to poke you a little bit to keep you on your toes. And so you shouldn't take it too seriously.What I really wanted to say is, “Man, you better cut the shit or Imma gonna sic Aunt Esther on your hope-and-change ass.” But I didn’t. And just between you and me, smarming the kid, the little bastard, into believing whatever the hell I was saying was as easy as getting Joe Biden to play dead in the middle of the track during the Daytona 500. And I'm saving that trigger for when I really need it. Want to know the truth, Kid? You should take it seriously. Very seriously.
Clever of Dr. Dave, sending a black kid, too. You gotta watch that guy; he’s racist.
So I figured that since I have this space on the innerwebz for the foreseeable future, I might as well not only use it but also come clean.
Let me be clear:
People hate me because of the economy. I mean, c’mon. How stupid are you people? Yeah, the Dow is over 10,000, but unemployment is at 9.8 percent (or so we tell you…it’s really more like 16 or 17 percent if you factor in all the underemployed and self-employed and folks trying to live off the grid…so I don’t tax them more). You need me to read tea leaves for you, or something? The Messiah don’t play like that. So here’s the deal: Don’t be fooled by that little MSM bullshit that there ain’t no inflation. I’m only giving seniors $250 because, if I don’t, they’ll be at the gates of the White House with pitchforks and torches over what we’re going to do to their precious Medicare, when Obamacare becomes reality. Let me be clear: You’re about to get Obuggered, to use a popular term of Dr. Dave’s, in more ways than one -- specifically in food prices. And don’t put your eggs all in one basket. In fact, to reverse myself, I suggest you go to Vegas, and bet heavy…now.
People hate me because I lie. Joe Wilson was right. Alan Grayson not only looks like Shrek, he also is secretly planning to board the mothership with Tom Cruise. Believe what you want. There won’t be health care rationing. There won’t be any new taxes on people earning $250,000 or less. I will not sign a plan that adds one dime to our deficits. I think I’m pretty clear on this; Joe Wilson is fucking spot on.
People hate me because I’m a socialist. I like to spread the wealth. I’ve slept with Saul Alinsky, ACORN, and Bill Ayers more often than I have with Michelle. And you’ve got to know, if the NY Times is debating what the hell socialism is in 2009, the shit’s already hit the fan.
People hate me because I hate America. Hugo Chavez is my brother from another mother. I’ve asked Putin if he can teach me how to have such a great bare chest … in person, at a Motel 6 … in exchange for dropping missile defense in Eastern Europe, or any missile defense for that matter. And, as you know, I have a soft spot for anyone who enjoys American weakness at my expense.
People hate me because I’m an egotistical megalomaniac. Apparently there’s some new criteria for the Nobel Peace Prize, and I graciously accepted … because I knew three out of five Norwegians agreed they didn’t approve of me. I don’t have all of the facts, but I think Dave Checketts acted stupidly … oh … wait … that didn’t come out right. What I MEANT to say is that I love the National Football League even more than Rush Limbaugh does, and if he’s going to make fake racist statements, I might as well be the one to deliver national remarks about Hispanic Heritage Month in his place because a Monday Night Football game without me is like a noon broadcast at WABC-77 without Limbaugh. Who else is going to hold infomercials on national TV?
You know? I think I’m actually getting a thrill up my leg now. Where's that little kiss-ass Mathews when I need relief?
*LOTUS, Liar of the United States; BOTUS, Bugger of the United States
P.S. Not to belabor the point, but people hate me because I REALLY hate America. Via Soylent Green
P.P.S. People hate me because there's this lingering question about whether or not I'm Kenyan-born. Via IOTW
P.P.S. People hate me because I'm more popular than Santa Claus.