Saturday, October 31, 2009

The 2012 RINO Express (Snark and Boobs Special)

Just a guess here, but I'm thinking SnarkandBoobs would really appreciate this shirt.

Scuzzyface Quits

First we got Van Jones fired; now we got Scuzzyface to quit. Blogging doesn't pay shit, but it sure is rewarding. Gee ... I wonder if RINOs Michael Steele and The Newt are crying right now?


Friday, October 30, 2009

And the Country Lived Happily Ever After

Cop #1: Ok, buddy. We caught ya red handed.

Cop #2: Book 'em, Danno, for violating the Constitution, theft of private property, excessive taxation, ignorant foreign policy, lying to 62 million voters, and selling his country's soul without permission for his own glorification.

Obamacriminal: Gee. I hope they put me in the same cell as someone from ACORN. Joe! Hey, Joe! It's all yours, now!

Joe Biden (offstage): Hey, Mr. President ... um ... Barack? Can I keep the Nobel Prize? And can you take Mobama with you? I watched her walk Yogi Berra to the mound for the first pitch of the World Series the other night, and I swear her hips touched first and third simultaneously.

Via Clint Cox's Facebook page

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Full Text of Pelosi's Healthcare Bill

It's only 1,990 bloody pages, costs a meager $1 trillion, and turns all old people into Soylent Green upon passage! Sounds like another outstanding bill to pass from the anus of the Land of Misfit Representatives, who are completely unaware that everyone outside Beltway wants to lobotomize them.

Happy reading (see below widget).

P.S. Here's a delicious little nugget I found over at Nice Deb's place. She notes The Washington Times reports:
Democrats repeatedly touted the openness of the development of their health care bill, which House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer called “the most deliberative, transparent and open process” he had seen in his career on Capitol Hill.
HA! Not according to Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn):
To the contrary, Democrats have shut Republicans out of all discussions on drafting the health care bill. In fact, the Democrats are being so hyper-partisan that they’ve physically locked Republican members out of a committee room. So much for the era of post-partisanship that the President and Speaker Pelosi promised.
Hoyer's big fat gaseous emission gets him my Liar of the Day award, the prize being a single digit salute from both of my hands ... made northward ... in the direction of the District of Criminals ... from my secret racist mobster tea-bagging man cave.

In fact, they might as well go ahead and rename Congress The Hall of Chronic and Habitual Liars. I haven't heard one that good since ... the president told the world on national TV that illegals won't get Obamacare, and Joe Wilson called him on it.

P.P.S. For the disgust you're bound to feel after reading this thing, I've prescribed a little diversion at the bottom of the post, a reward as it were for having waded through a huge pile of shit.

House HCR Bill

P.P.P.S. Go read this important post by Jim McMahon about next Tuesday's elections. And if you live in NY-23, VOTE DOUG HOFFMAN.

P.P.P.P.S. Pelosi's legislative ghosts are coming in, but they're not going out...

Via The Weekly Standard and Ed Driscoll

Wild Thing #1 Files

And now for something completely different...

Apparently there's another writer in the house. Thing #1, the original wild thing who makes Maurice Sendak's character seem about as hyper as Joe Lieberman on thorazine.

I should probably prepare him for a life of poverty, in which he'll be forced to combat moonbat zombie colleagues and suffer the stupidity of people who can't read and work in conditions that make sweat shops seem appealing.

I'd hoped for an engineer (so he could become rich and I could retire in comfort), but math isn't his strength. Talking a million miles an hour is, however. As are running around the house, screaming like a turbine engine and throwing footballs to himself and battling Sith lords that only he can see.

Maybe there's still time. Maybe he'll invent some electronic gadget that renders moonbats immobile and wipes clean their puny little brains, replacing the contents with mind-expanding elixirs ... like the Constitution and The Federalist Papers.

Then again, this is as good a start as any:
Reptile Story -- The Home Depot Alligator

There once was an alligator that lived in a small swamp behind a Home Depot in Venice, Florida. The water was greenish and smelled bad. Tall grass grew in the marsh. My dad and I used to visit the alligator every time we shopped at Home Depot, which was often. When I looked very close, I could see the alligator's nose and back sticking out of the water and sometimes his tail. I don't remember ever seeing him eat, but we could see fish and turtles in the water. That's probably what he ate at night. I used to wonder how the alligator got there.

Here's one idea I had.

A long time ago before this alligator lived, his great-great-great grand-gator-father was a grand alligator. In fact, he was so grand and smart that he built the swamp for his children and grand-gator-children. Two years after he built the swamp, he heard a lot of noise and a lot of people around. He wasn't too happy about that. Then all the sudden a big sign towered over his swamp -- "Home Depot"! One day, when he was feeling really grumpy, he climbed out of his swamp, went into the Home Depot, showed everyone his 80 scary teeth, and then took some wood to make a bridge so people could admire his beautiful swamp and leave him in peace.
I would have given the bridge a trap door, so the gator could spring it and eat the people who fell through, but apparently Thing #1 isn't nearly as grumpy as me.

There's still time for that, too.


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Proper Response to Solicitation from the RNC

I guess the devil doesn't want to come down to Georgia. At least Dede Scozzafava's man-bitch doesn't think it's worthy of her:
"Her positions on a lot of issues are reflective of the electorate here," said Matt Burns, a Scozzafava spokesman. "If the idea is that every Republican that runs for office needs [to be] someone who fits in Georgia, then it's going to be very, very difficult for Republicans to gain a majority in the House of Representatives."
Actually, that is the idea, Mr. Burns. We're a lot more Republican (read: fiscally and socially conservative) and representative of most of America than Scuzziface, who could get her ass stomped Tuesday by conservative opponent Doug Hoffman in NY's 23rd congressional district. Who knows if Scuzziface even knows there's a Georgia to worry about?

Maybe she will now, since Michelle Malkin made the above photo from Atlanta tweeter cprater (and mobster friend of ours) the rejected RNC solicitation form of the day. When it's all said and done, Michael Steele and Newt Gingrich may need to apologize for eating Scuzziface hotdogs on the sidelines during game day. Are you listening? Ya'll have some 'splainin' to do over your love for RINOs. (They got some love from cprater, too.)

On second thought, we don't want to listen to you any more. We'd rather redirect your damaged plan for the Republican Party and put REAL conservatives like Hoffman in office in 2010 and 2012 and actually turn this whole country around, preferably without you.

P.S. Go read this important post by Jim McMahon about next Tuesday's elections. And if you live in NY-23, VOTE DOUG HOFFMAN!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

MOM! FOX News Is Touching Me!

Via Ben Sley's Facebook page and Old Hippie

Of course, childish things are nothing new for our Dear Zero.

Via FreeRepublic

It is, after all, piggy flu season. He must be a little feverish.

Then again, he's always been a little freaky over criticism, even from birth.

If only he could return to happier days, when all of Hollywierd loved him and brainwashing people and pretending he knew what he talked about was so much easier than actually doing the job.

Yeah ... life was a lot simpler when someone else wiped your bottom, wasn't it Mr. President?

P.S. Go read this important post by Jim McMahon about next Tuesday's elections. And if you live in NY 23, VOTE DOUG HOFFMAN!

Obama's America

If little piggy flu is a "national emergency," you have to wonder if Chairman Zero has gone off his rocker. After all, piggy flu isn't even as deadly as the seasonal flu. You have a bigger chance of dying from over exposure to a Zero address to a joint session of Congress than you do from piggy flu.

Good luck finding the vaccine, by the way. And the Zombiecrats want us all to believe government health care will be all cookies and cream.

No, I'm thinking that, since Zero's become the Appeasement President, more interested in building turtle tunnels and funding APORN than letting his troops win wars and protecting Americans from rogue nations and the Russian ManBearPig, Obama's America is probably more likely to end up disheveled and broken.

Worse, it just might end up like the world in Cormac McCarthy's The Road: A world in which ash rains down from the sky and the only food left is people and "hope and change" mean staying alive long enough to find other people who haven't gone completely insane.

For a little taste, here's the trailer from the upcoming flick. But I'd recommend picking up the book before you see the movie. You won't be able to put it down.

Happy Tuesday.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Top 10 Kevin Jennings Pick Up Lines

10. Is that a condom in your pocket, or are you just happy I’m with NAMBLA?

9. Come with me to the janitor’s closet, son; I want to show you my tool.

8. You remind me of a dreamy 15-year-old I once knew.

7. Are you 16? You look so delicious I’d swear you were 15.

6. Bring a condom. I’ll show you how safe your school can be.

5. Did I ever tell you how interesting it is to be queerly raised from kindergarten?

4. I’d like to subvert you after class, son.

3. Fisting gets a bad rap. It’s just my way of exploring you closely.

2. Hey, kid. Wanna hit? It’ll free your mind, and open your pants for me.

1. Say hello to my little friend. It’ll put a smile on your face for two years.

We're Just Doing What We're Told

The other day, Chairman Zero read an eloquent speech (despite some Ebonics) from TOTUS that labeled the Democratic Party as being something akin to the party of the American Thinker (my extreme apologies to an excellent website for such an odious analogy).

That is, according to the words Zero read from his teleprompter, Democrats are free thinkers, and, as such, their free thinkery is the only reason an overwhelming majority in both parts of the legislative branch of the federal government can’t come to a decision over the brewing health care fuckery. And that doesn't include Dear Leader's inability, after more than 60 days since his top general in Afghanistan asked if he could fucking frag the Taliban, to make up his mind over whether he wants to be a war-monger or a war-dodger.

Republicans, meanwhile, only do what they are told, according to God's gift to political speech reading. Of course! This must explain why regular, and expanding, ragtag bands of American citizens have risen in protest against the federal government for going on 7 months now.

I guess we’re just doing what we’re told … by the Constitution.

Hmmm .... where have I heard of such a thing before?

[Based on a comment I left at this excellent post over at Conservative Hideout 2.0.]


Saturday, October 24, 2009

Shit I Said Somewhere (Most of It Stupid) That You Might Have Missed (And I Bet You Can’t WAIT to Read)

To be honest, I have a high pressure job that demands, I say demands, diversion. After all, Dr. Drama can’t be cool all 1 percent of his time, mind you: He needs to entertain (himself).

I used to write this shit down in one of those little shirt-pocket notebooks -- until I realized I looked like a pencil-necked geek. Now I just look like a geek, without a notebook in his shirt pocket, because I post this stuff on Twitter, Facebook, and the sites of other bloggers.

Why not? It’s not like anyone’s paying me per word, or paying attention.

So here are a few diversions I took part in this past week to keep me from going postal. You know, acting really, really slow, like you don’t give 2 shits about your job, deliberately taking lunch at the most inopportune time, so that the line of 20 people waiting to mail something doubles to 40 by the time you finish eating your quadruple-decker sandwich fit for a fat fucking government employee.

Ah … life must be good when you’re attached to the government teet.

[Said at Tereseamerica’s place in the direction of a fucking Eric Holder-hired piece of shit troll twit who's been hounding Teresa's place for weeks and tried to hassle her and yours truly on Twitter the other day.] @nyp (Not Your fucking Place) If you don't have a small penis, does that mean you're a lovely term the British use to denigrate people? I've read your comments for weeks. I believe the term is quite fitting.

[Also said at Teresamerica’s place]: @nyp Say hello to Eric Holder for me and tell him I said to go fuck himself (after you fuck him, of course).

“Rejecting socialism is not racism…it’s patriotism. #UCK OBAMA.” -- from the sign outside Mulligans Food and Spirits in Marietta, Ga.

[Said @Dick Bacon’s Facebook page in response to his admission that he was “just saying how my one lib friend never talks to me, and then I get into this great big long conversation with her! It’s really serendipitous!”] Nah, Dick, it’s really like this: I ate all of my liberal friends because Al Gore told me I needed to help clean up the planet.

BREAKING: Michelle Obama was rushed to the hospital this morning to have a hula hoop surgically removed from around her hips.

If Barack Obama hates America so much he wants to remake it into Europe-lite, he should run for president of the EU and leave, as soon as fucking possible.

I don't know about the White House's enemies list; I'm not big enough to be on it. But I do know who's number one on mine: Chairman Zero.

RT @politeracy @mikepfs Yellow Snowe. | Democrats, little ignorants that they are, eat it; conservatives just want spring to come & melt it.

@KingShamus That's me, reversing Faulkner and bringing chaos to order.

BREAKING! Logging into Twitter now takes only 48 hours.

@patdollard RE: Palin. I like her spunk ... but she ain't even close to being the one. In fact, there isn't a "one." That's the problem.

It might not take a village to raise one child, but it certainly takes one president to screw up an entire village.

RT @politeracy @ADHDsnark The only thing a Village has ever raised is a Village Idiot. | Only village idiot I know has a Nobel Peace Prize.

#InObamasworld -- Hope and change mean “Mao is my favorite political philosopher.”

#InObamasworld -- Joe Biden is a brilliant adviser.

#InObamasworld -- Grandma don't need no new hip; she needs the blue pill.

#InObamasworld -- CNN is a great news organization.

#InObamasworld -- Michelle Obama doesn't look like Chewbacca.

#InObamasworld -- Nine months of failure equals accomplishment.

If I were a troll, what kind of troll would I be? The kind that stays the fuck away from me.

Hey Obama ... can I get on your enemies list, too? I promise I'll harass you even more.

Imma find someone at twitter and beat them up if they don't get this thing running faster.

@Amusing_Bunni That's what happens when you tell @algore FUCK YOU 30 times in one night.

RT @cprater Cuz something needs to line your bird cage or start your fireplace. RT @GarCasey: Save The Newspapers? Why?

If Balloon Boy's dad goes to prison, I don't see anyone asking him to help with escape plans.

A new word for the lexicon: Gangabama. Means Obama who worries about medicinal ganga while soldiers die and Americans lose jobs.

Obama dithers, support for Afghanistan withers, and another jihadi snake with an IED slithers toward our troops.

RT @StickeeNotes RT @shellyroche Who's in Big Brother's Database? #tlot #c4l #tech | I hope my file corrupts it all.

Next guy who calls a radio show & says this country is racist is getting my foot up his ass. Obama is TERRIBLE. That's truth, not racism.

P.S. Something I said tonight at the excellently intellectual blog Conservative Hideout 2.0:

Democrats, according to Chairman Zero’s own words, are free thinkers, and, as such, this is the reason they can’t come to a decision on health care fuckery. Republicans, meanwhile, only do what they are told. And this is the reason why regular American citizens have arisen in protest against the federal government for over 6 months now.

I guess we’re just doing what we’re told … by the Constitution.


Friday, October 23, 2009

The Big List of Shit the Government Does NOT Control


What? You actually thought there would be something to list?

The Next "Not a News Organization" Decree


Thursday, October 22, 2009

A Quick Observation for Today

Time ... I need to win the lottery, and end the daily treadmill, because I have none. LOTS of future posts swimming through my ADHD-addled brain.

But. Time?

I got none.

So here's just a little thought that occurred to me today. I'm pretty sure it's a mutual feeling among many, so I decided to share:
If it's appropriate for the White House to label FOX "not a news organization," it's equally appropriate to label those in the White House "not real government."
P.S. Isn't it cool when your stuff gets posted elsewhere without attribution?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

And Now, Back to the Funny Pages


I haven't been around to snark anyone's pages, let alone these, for a few days for a variety of reasons, many having to do with evil minions of Chairman Zero and my recent rants.

Let's just say I must be shit because I sure do attract a lot of flies.

Then there's always the crazy fun I'm blessed with in my professional life, where I'm a mild mannered closet right-wing racist health care something or other czar. (Yes, I'm not really a doctor, but I play one on the innerwebz in more ways than just fucking snarking around.)

In fact, here's an interesting observation I made to a colleague yesterday about my freak-show company's obsession with swine flu...
Well…16 emails came into my inbox on this subject in the past minute. If we extrapolate those numbers out over time, that means I could receive 960 emails about swine flu per hour or 23,040 emails about swine flu per day or 162,280 emails about swine flu per week or 8,286,560 emails about swine flu per year.

I think that’s quite enough emails about swine flu for anyone’s lifetime.
And. Yes. I did use a calculator.

Speaking of calculations (or mis-calculations, as it were), do you think LGF's Charles Johnson ever thought he'd become such the butt of innerwebz abuse as to be immortalized by this funny fucking comic?

As The Other McCain noted the other day (hey a half-assed alliteration!):
Major Coffee-Spew Hazard! Do Not Click ... Unless You Are Prepared For Serious BWAAAHAHAHA!
Although ... I would have added the word "fucking" after major, but that's just my personal taste.


Monday, October 19, 2009

My Health Care Solution? Kill All the Lawyers, Pass Tort Reform, and Open the Insurance Borders

In which I use gmail to educate a liberal friend, and, in the meantime, cure the health care “crisis” …

October 18:
We don't need the system "overhauled," for chrissake. Do your homework. That's a code word straight from Obugger himself. Obugger is nothing more than a snake oil salesman selling you poison. Shame on you.

There are only about 12 million people who are uninsured. Look it up. Obama's figures are whacked...because he's a fucking liar, and Joe Wilson is awesome for saying it. I see that fuck, I'm screaming it until my vocal chords are gone. (And fuck the illegals...I'm not paying for them ... get them the fuck out of my country.)

I have never seen such an assault on the individual in my 42 years. We stand on a precipice. We move left while Cuba moves right. We are truly, truly fucked if this health care shit happens.

WHAT WE NEED IS: tort reform. Look up Texas. The economy is booming. Doctors are flocking. Lawyers are slinking away like naughty little cats caught humping gerbils. My solution? Kill all the lawyers. Then institute tort reform. Then open up insurance competition across state lines, so you can purchase (without your asshole employer) a package on your own from some dude in Kansas who can beat your New York-based insurer’s price by hundreds, if not thousands. You'll see prices drop so fast you'd think there was a fire sale.

Obuggercare is nothing more than government monopoly on your insurance. You tell me one thing where government's done a better job than the private sector. Good luck. You can't.

There's PLENTY we can do to help the uninsured, for about $28 billion...and it won't affect the taxes of anyone...or the current health care of anyone...or take $500 billion from Medicare over the next 10 years (yeah...who needs old people...fuck them....let's eat them instead...that's what the false Messiah says, along with his assholes in Congress and the Senate).

Make no mistake...this is about control. About making Democrats the controlling party forever.

And the fact that we're fighting back? That shit terrifies them. They'll lose most of their funding if they do tort reform. They'll lose their bullshit argument. They have no clue. They have no ideas. They have no chance.

The facts are out there. If you want to find them. And realize what they mean.

Mark my words. If this health care shit passes, you WILL see the next revolution.

We've. Had. Quite. Enough.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Health Care Risks of Fat Fucking Congressmen Who Want National Health Care For You

The other day a story came out in the Washington Post indicating that Senate plans for “health reform” could very much end up coming down to this: Get healthy or get fucking taxed to death, with the emphasis on dying sooner so you can get the hell out of the way.

So, in the interest of clarity, let’s break down an April 2009 report by Politico, when the debate over national health takeover was just beginning so soon after America woke up to the fact that Democrats (and Democrat lite Senators Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins) had Obuggered us with a $787 billion “stimulus” plan that 6 months later hasn’t provided one tangible benefit (except the incredibly cheap per-job cost of $71,500 and the benevolence of turtle tunnels) and focus on one individual who has far too much influence over whether or not, under Obuggercare, your health status will be the difference among you receiving government gravy or being left alone or getting ground into soylent green.

As our poster child, our totem of fitness, our Health Care Superman, Congressman Barney Frank (Dickhead, Mass) is the perfect representative of nothing more than personal body abuse.

Barney Frank is an admitted fat piece of shit who likes to fuck men. As a doctor of snark, I'm perfectly qualified to diagnose his future and the future drain on the American taxpayer as a result of his probable future health care (which, if you haven't guessed, is the logic the Democrats are using to ram sweeping health care changes down our throats).

Since Frank is obese, he has a higher risk for many health problems (and we’ll go straight to the federal government for these “facts,” because we all know that only the federal government is credible enough to say what’s best for little ole you and me).

Fat fucking congressmen are at risk for type 2 diabetes (that’s when you’re so unhealthy your body can’t use sugar and parts of it start to rot, including your extremities. That means things like your dick start to fall off, Barney. I would think, in particular, a fat gay fucking congressman would be in need of a strong dick, if for nothing less than to continue buggering the American people).

Fat fucking congressmen are at risk for heart disease and stroke. That’s when a blood clot lodges in your heart or brain or an artery leading to your brain. What happens to fat fucking congressmen, and to any person with these problems, is parts of your heart literally die … or, if the blood clot gets caught in your brain or the arteries leading to your brain, your brain literally starts to die. Now, although many Americans would argue that fat fucking congressmen have neither a heart nor a brain to begin with, it’s important you know that fat fucking congressmen are at risk for costing me a lot of fucking money for keeping you on life support when your obviously awful fucking eating and exercise habits render you a fucking vegetable and a burden to fucking society.

Fat fucking congressmen are at risk for cancer. That’s when, worse than diabetes, your body starts to eat itself. That’s right, fat fucking congressmen are infinitely more at risk for having cells within their body mutate. That means, for you uneducated fat fucking congressmen, the cells within your body change and gobble nearby cells like they’re on the menu at the local buffet for fat fucking congressmen. Eventually these gobbling mutating cells take over so much of your body that your body no longer represents that of a fat fucking congressman but one of a thin fucking old person pretending to be a model, or a stick figure, because, when these cells gobble each other, there’s nothing left of fat fucking congressmen but their flesh and bones. The cost of treating fat fucking congressmen with cancer is so astronomical we could, instead, probably bomb the moon with rockets every week to check for water and find none and still come out ahead. I’m beginning to think that spending $79 million to bomb the moon might be more important than treating fat fucking congressmen with cancer.

Now let’s get into some risks of homosexual behavior. Fat fucking gay congressmen are more likely to transmit social diseases they wouldn’t want their mother to have. One of them, AIDS, makes cancer look like a little leaguer who never takes the bat off his shoulder.

Fat fucking gay congressmen are also more likely to get human papillomavirus, a virus that can cause cervical cancer in women. In men (as in women), HPV can cause the lovely physical and contagious characteristic of genital warts. But it can also cause “cancer of the prick” and anal cancer. Sounds like a lot of fun. Why am I not gay? I’ve been missing so much all these years.

You know, while wine is fine, whiskey’s quicker, and I’d like to challenge any member of Congress or the Senate who even thinks of signing a bill that would require me to give up my Constitutional right to eat or drink whatever the fuck I want, in lieu of the threat of financial penalties established by the federal government for “bad” food or drink choices, to a water pistol duel, in D.C., in December, over my personal honor, and my individual liberty (you know, that Constitutional phenomenon, or right, that allows disobedient civilians like me to take on fat fucking gay congressmen and their bullshit friends).

Because I guarantee you the pitchforks and torches you’ll be facing if you pass this shit bill will scare you more than any childish duel, even terrifying fat fucking gay congressmen who’d love to have a public health care option that doesn’t apply to them.

My Infatuation with the English Innerwebz and a Few Humble Contributions

Just because Ron Russell never knows what to expect when he clicks in here (take a look at the keywords, by the way, Ron), I've got this for you all today:

Some outstanding bloggers spread their excellence across the pond from Britain, and I sneak over for a peak, now and then, just because how they snark is so incredibly different than the way Americans approach the genre. There's a certain cadence to their craft that is mesmerizing, plus they're juvenile as all hell, which appeals to the 18-year-old invincible dumbfuck inside me that wants to spill some occasional invective all over these pages.

They can masterfully tackle subjects that many American bloggers won't even go near, and their ability to curse, particularly when insulting some person or thing, is first rate. For their balls alone, they are definitely worth visiting.

Here are a few you should check out for a dose of powerful snark and some riotous laughter:

Many more are worth your time, so poke around a little bit over there, and you'll be rewarded.

There's another I particularly love, a shared effort by Grumpy Old Twat and All Seeing Eye that is not for the feint of heart, especially if you have an aversion to a certain word that begins with a c, which, over there, doesn't have anything to do with genitalia ... it's more a statement of, well, this discussion (including the comments) is quite interesting (really).

If the word offends, then I humbly ask you not to click the links below. If it doesn't, then I hereby offer you a few of my own contributions (the first two my snark, the rest just nominations) to a delightful blog of extreme put downs:

Barack Hussein Obama [4]

Michael Moore

Nancy Pelosi

Van Jones

Barack Obama [3]

P.S. Fer fuck's sake. Brew Wales, down in the comments section, is spot on. By the way I'm accounting things in this post, Al Qeada is "English" since they live and operate in the G.B. So to correct myself, The Lone Voice is a WELSH blog, as it is written in Wales by a Welshman who lives and breathes and eats and drinks and says c#$% a lot in Wales, of course. I'm open to more corrections because, by BW's observations, I live in East Mexico, given that illegal Mexicans in Atlanta control the entire drug trade for the whole eastern seaboard of the United States.

Friday, October 16, 2009

UPDATED: Proof Balloon Boy Was a Hoax?

Via Foxmulder

Of course, there's the obligatory family denial.

But then what about this home video?

Above two links via Allahpundit


What a big friggin' circus. Richard Henne is certainly playing this one for all it's worth. Here he walks around with a box...

via CBS which he asked reporters to submit questions. He'll provide answers later, he says.

I wonder if his answers are going to be anything like Balloon Boy's answer to dear ole dad's question on national TV:
Heene has dismissed allegations of a hoax as "extremely pathetic." Yet doubts surfaced after a CNN interview in which Falcon Heene told his parents "you said we did this for a show" after his father asked why he did not come down from his hiding place during a search of the house Thursday.
Fishy. Fishy. Fishy.

Is this just a reality show? After all, Balloon Boy's family seems to have learned on Wife Swapping that in times of emergency you call the media first, and rescuers second.

Or maybe they learned it from Obama.

Speaking of Obama, does he have a hotline we can call about this?

P.P.S. There is GREAT speculation about exactly what was inside that balloon.

P.P.P.S. It's even possible that maybe ... just maybe ... "the student" could turn out to be Richard Henne himself.

How Pittsburgh Steelers Fans Teach Religion

Email today from my favorite homeschool mom, Mrs. ADHD:

We've been reviewing the 10 Commandments and were on "Thou shall not kill." Thing 1 explained what the commandment means and added that we are not to hate people, but we may hate their actions. He paused, thinking about what he had just said, then asked, "Does this mean we're not allowed to hate the Cleveland Browns?"

Response from Mr. ADHD:

Tell him God gives us a pass on that one because God hates the Cleveland Browns too.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

“Why Do People Hate You?”

Guest post by Barack Hussein Obama, POTUS, LOTUS, and BOTUS*

Since Dr. Dave planted this kid today to ask me that question during a town hall meeting I spoke at in New Orleans, I had Anita Dunn commandeer this dumbass web site so I could post my official response. So I could be clear. Or clearer than I was when I told that kid in public:
I think that you've got to take it with a grain of salt. Some of it is just what's called politics where, you know, once one party wins, then the other party kind of gets -- feels like it needs to poke you a little bit to keep you on your toes. And so you shouldn't take it too seriously.
What I really wanted to say is, “Man, you better cut the shit or Imma gonna sic Aunt Esther on your hope-and-change ass.” But I didn’t. And just between you and me, smarming the kid, the little bastard, into believing whatever the hell I was saying was as easy as getting Joe Biden to play dead in the middle of the track during the Daytona 500. And I'm saving that trigger for when I really need it. Want to know the truth, Kid? You should take it seriously. Very seriously.

Clever of Dr. Dave, sending a black kid, too. You gotta watch that guy; he’s racist.

So I figured that since I have this space on the innerwebz for the foreseeable future, I might as well not only use it but also come clean.

Let me be clear:

People hate me because of the economy. I mean, c’mon. How stupid are you people? Yeah, the Dow is over 10,000, but unemployment is at 9.8 percent (or so we tell you…it’s really more like 16 or 17 percent if you factor in all the underemployed and self-employed and folks trying to live off the grid…so I don’t tax them more). You need me to read tea leaves for you, or something? The Messiah don’t play like that. So here’s the deal: Don’t be fooled by that little MSM bullshit that there ain’t no inflation. I’m only giving seniors $250 because, if I don’t, they’ll be at the gates of the White House with pitchforks and torches over what we’re going to do to their precious Medicare, when Obamacare becomes reality. Let me be clear: You’re about to get Obuggered, to use a popular term of Dr. Dave’s, in more ways than one -- specifically in food prices. And don’t put your eggs all in one basket. In fact, to reverse myself, I suggest you go to Vegas, and bet heavy…now.

People hate me because I lie. Joe Wilson was right. Alan Grayson not only looks like Shrek, he also is secretly planning to board the mothership with Tom Cruise. Believe what you want. There won’t be health care rationing. There won’t be any new taxes on people earning $250,000 or less. I will not sign a plan that adds one dime to our deficits. I think I’m pretty clear on this; Joe Wilson is fucking spot on.

People hate me because I’m a socialist. I like to spread the wealth. I’ve slept with Saul Alinsky, ACORN, and Bill Ayers more often than I have with Michelle. And you’ve got to know, if the NY Times is debating what the hell socialism is in 2009, the shit’s already hit the fan.

People hate me because I hate America. Hugo Chavez is my brother from another mother. I’ve asked Putin if he can teach me how to have such a great bare chest … in person, at a Motel 6 … in exchange for dropping missile defense in Eastern Europe, or any missile defense for that matter. And, as you know, I have a soft spot for anyone who enjoys American weakness at my expense.

People hate me because I’m an egotistical megalomaniac. Apparently there’s some new criteria for the Nobel Peace Prize, and I graciously accepted … because I knew three out of five Norwegians agreed they didn’t approve of me. I don’t have all of the facts, but I think Dave Checketts acted stupidly … oh … wait … that didn’t come out right. What I MEANT to say is that I love the National Football League even more than Rush Limbaugh does, and if he’s going to make fake racist statements, I might as well be the one to deliver national remarks about Hispanic Heritage Month in his place because a Monday Night Football game without me is like a noon broadcast at WABC-77 without Limbaugh. Who else is going to hold infomercials on national TV?

You know? I think I’m actually getting a thrill up my leg now. Where's that little kiss-ass Mathews when I need relief?

*LOTUS, Liar of the United States; BOTUS, Bugger of the United States

P.S. Not to belabor the point, but people hate me because I REALLY hate America. Via Soylent Green

P.P.S. People hate me because there's this lingering question about whether or not I'm Kenyan-born. Via IOTW

P.P.S. People hate me because I'm more popular than Santa Claus.

$71,500 to Create ONE Stimulus Job


More proof that Obama and his clowns really are morons.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Limbaugh Dropped from Rams Group; Will Run for President Instead; Letterman, Meanwhile, Apologizes for Olbermann Rape Comments

ST. LOUIS -- Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh today was booted from a group seeking to buy the St. Louis Rams because fabricated Wikiquotes now constitute rock solid evidence on which the MSM can base race card smear campaigns.

Limbaugh, meanwhile, said on his radio show that he'll take his $450 billion personal war chest -- earned exclusively by the increasingly anachronistic expression "sweat of his own brow" -- and launch a bid for the Republican presidential nomination against Democrat pResident Barack Obama in 2012.

"Folks, I don't even know if he plans to run for a second term; I don't even know if he cares. But I assure you, it would be impossible for a man of such hubris, such incredible narcissism, to park his Cadillac and avoid being president for 4 more years and not make even worse mistakes than he's done during his first year. Folks, I'm here to tell you that, no matter what, ElRusshhhbo is going to put a stop to him, once and for all."

CBS' David Letterman, meanwhile, applauded Limbaugh for his fortitude.

"He's the only man I know who can lose 90 pounds in 5 months and still carry enough ghostly weight to terrify the begeezus out of people. I mean, it's been said that slavery has its merit."

Letterman's monologue, which has taken on a tone of extreme seriousness since he embarrassed his wife by admitting to having affairs with young female staffers, tonight got even more bizarre.

"You know, I've had my share of troubles recently, and I've made some incredible apologies, but I have to say that apologizing for MSNBC's Keith Olbermann has to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm talking about Olbermann's recent comments about Roman Polanski. Here, why don't you listen to this, and you'll know what I mean.

"The exact quote is as follows:

Roman Polanski is being hung in effigy by the fascist Christian right, who claim he is the posterboy for what is wrong with the American left. Polanski's crime was no biggie, and if I were in his shoes, I'd hit that, too. Without hesitation. She looked older and was asking for it.

"If you could hear the rest of the report, folks, you'd not even worry about a source. You don't need one. It sounds like something a cartoonish caricature of Olbermann would say, so he therefore said it.

"And I won't even get into why I think LGF's Charles Johnson hates the Easter Bunny."

P.S. But we can get into totally real and not fake stupid quotes made by Democrats.

P.P.S. And where there are some, there are always more great momments in race relations ... by Democrats.

P.P.P.S. Of course, it would help if anyone could even prove Rush's RACIST! statements were real. Maybe it's because CNN and the rest of the MSM are too busy fact-checking anti-Obama jokes to fact-check their own reporting.

P.P.P.P.S. So let's get down to brass tacks: If Limbaugh is such a racist, why does the MSM need fabricated quotes to prove it?

P.P.P.P.P.S. It figures that a bunch of lawyers probably made up the fake quotes. More here.

P.P.P.P.P.P. S. And then Rush Limbaugh spoke.


Now ... That's More Like It

When I first saw the new Michelle Obama doll this morning, I was frankly disturbed by the depiction. Like the usual description of her fashion sense, it seemed absent of a few important details, such as reality, particularly in matters of waistline and belt placement.

Luckily, I found a more lifelike version over here this afternoon.

Now I can rest easier tonight, knowing that proportionality has been restored to the craft of making voodoo dolls.

Plus ... these dolls might actually be safer from my kids, since they cut all the heads off the paper dolls in this thing they received from some distant relative, who wasn't aware my kids have nicknamed the pResident Barack, the King of the Moonbats.


Concidence? -- Vol. 5 -- Congressman Shrek

Go check out this hilarious comparison by friend of ours Exblogitate of Congressman Alan Grayson, who thinks Zombiecrats have been around for 3,000 and that Joe Wilson's "You Lie!" eruption was a "belch," with Shrek.

It's just like Shrek to talk about belching in public.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

"Why Are You Are Republican?"

You know, my first blog post was a piece of garbage, but at least I wrote a coherent sentence.

Michael Steele, head buffoon of the RNC and buddy of such great defenders of your liberty and your wallet as Olympia Snowe and Lindsey Graham and John McCain?

Not so much.

No wonder health care lives on .... Oh, and to answer the question: I'm not anymore. You know the ever popular expression: "I didn't leave the Republican Party...."

What Up? For God's sake, man: Certainly not you.

h/t: Hot Air, Pinkelephantpundit

Monday, October 12, 2009

Our Cheeky President

Thinks: "Hmm...nope. That's NOT bigger than Mobama's."

Liberals Are the Suck

It was all Big Fur Hat's idea.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians

Kanye and Beyonce agree: THIS must be one of the greatest blogs eva.

Hint ... one of the old lesbians looks like this ...


Richard Simmons Wishes He Were on Letterman's Staff

...and other fun banter.


Click to get a rise out of Richard.

It's Not Every Day a Conservative Blog Post Ends up on HuffPo

I'm really getting some mileage out of titling a post "Nancy Pelosi in Bathing Suit." (Yeah, I puked too after reading the words the first time.)

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Obama Wins 2010 Miss Universe Title


CNN’S WOLF BLITZER: In surprising news, we've just learned this morning that President mmm-mmm-mmm Barack Hussein Obama has been awarded the title of Miss Universe for 2010. Sources indicate his girly pitch at Major League Baseball’s All-Star game this past summer was so stunningly feminine it put him far beyond the talents and beauty of next year’s potential competition, and the Miss Universe Organization decided to award Obama the honor without ever holding the pageant.

The sheer elegance of his many appearances on the covers of Newsweek and Time merely added diamonds to his crown.

[Holds his hand to the microphone in his ear.]

Wait...wait…I'm being informed that the president is about to deliver remarks from the Rose Garden. Let's cut to his speech right now....

[The president stands gracefully before the dais, head held high, looking down his nose at the herd of reporters gathered before him, some of whom graze on chrysanthemum petals and freshly cut grass.]

[ the nittygritty...]

OBAMA: Good morning. Well, this is not how I expected to wake up this morning. After I received the news, Sasha walked in and said, "Daddy, you won the Miss Universe title; can I borrow some mascara?" And then Malia added, "Plus, you’ve been wearing my training bra again. I want it back." So it's good to have kids to keep things in perspective.

I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the decision of the judges to award me the title of Miss Universe for 2010 even though the pageant never took place. Let me be clear: I do not view it as a recognition of my own beauty and elegance and talents, but rather as an affirmation of the fiction that the mere idea of me has engendered in the minds of many throughout the world. Plus, I look pretty sexy in a hula skirt.

To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the deliciously beautiful women who've been honored by this prize -- women who've inspired me to go through sexual reorientation surgery and inspired the entire world in the courageous pursuit of girlymanness.

But I also know that this prize reflects the kind of world that those women, and all Americans, want to build -- a world where Kevin Jennings can be Gay Czar. And I know that throughout history, the Miss Universe crown has not just been used to honor beauty and talent; it's also been used as a means to give momentum to social causes, such as instructing teenage boys to use condoms when they copulate with members of NAMBLA. And that is why I will accept this award as a call to action -- a call for all men to askew their masculinity and become feminine in the 21st century.

These challenges can't be met by any one leader or any one nation. And that's why my administration has worked to establish a new era of girlymanness in which all nations must take responsibility for the world we seek. We cannot tolerate a world in which powerful men do nothing except take taxpayer jets to Copenhagen or New York or Chicago and have date nights or play golf all day and ignore international chaos that endangers all people. And that's why we've begun to take concrete steps to ensure that all boys in public school learn about gender reorientation, because all boys have the ability to become girls and win the Miss Universe title, too.

We cannot accept the growing threat posed by masculinity, which could forever damage the world that we pass on to our children -- the threat of providing us with real men who achieve real peace, the threat of sparking incredible wealth for millions by merely cutting taxes in the face of great economic uncertainty. And that's why all nations must now accept their share of responsibility for transforming all boys into girls.

We can't accept a world in which more people are denied the opportunity to receive great honors without having done anything to earn them -- the ability to talk out of your ass and act arrogantly toward those who disagree with you and steal other people’s money and freedom for your own glorification.

And even as we strive to seek a world in which everyone is remade into my image, we have to confront the world as we know it today. I am the Commander-in-Chief of a country that's responsible for …

[TOTUS’ screen suddenly goes dark, the words of Obama’s speech disappearing like his fleeting thoughts.]

Well, I’m not really sure what we’re responsible for, since I never really do any work. Plus my hormones are really crazy right now. But I’ve discovered that being Commander-in-Chief is a wonderful way to get a lot of bling!

[Looks away from TOTUS, toward Mobama, who stands by a cherry tree, picking her teeth with ABC White House Correspondent Jake Tapper.]

Hey, Mo? Mo?

[Mobama stops picking her teeth and tosses Tapper to the ground.]

I hear I get $1.4 million for winning this thing. Let’s go to Target and use some of it to buy me new panties. Yours are just too big for me.

[The couple walks away from the Rose Garden, holding hands, Mobama squeezing the president’s fingers.]

OBAMA: Damnit, Mo; that hurts. We’ve just got to stop feeding you HGH.

UPDATE II: Of course, there comes a time when one must acknowledge the clout of Chairman Zero's accomplishments:

And then take them from him....

Well, For A While There I Was A Google Star


Friday, October 9, 2009

The Sad New Criteria for the Nobel Peace Prize

Sit for 20 years in the pew of a church with a pastor that says "God Damn America" and deny you ever knew about his dangerous and subversive hate speech.

Ignore the man you picked to lead a "war of necessity" and endlessly debate whether to unleash a surge of troops or pull out, while the troops who volunteered to defend your way of life die.

Release 78 terrorists from Gitmo, where they couldn't hurt anyone, into the wild so they can turn around and plot evil schemes to kill you and the people you purport to lead.

Give millions to known terrorist organizations, like Hamas.

Go to the U.N. and call for a new world order that ignores nation sovereignty.

Refuse to salute the flag, on stage, in public.

Stop wearing an American flag lapel pin because it has become a "substitute for true" patriotism.

Bow to a muzzie king whose country has secretly funded global jihadist anti-American terrorism for decades.

Sit silent while a murdering Marxist dictator lambastes the United States for nearly an hour.

Stick your head so far up the rear-ends of two other murdering Marxist dictators, Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro, you taste their food before they do.

Start disarming your country's nuclear stockpile and stop missile defense plans while turning your back against a rogue nation that murders its own protesting citizens and denies the Holocaust and threatens to wipe your ally off the face of the map and tells lies that their uranium enrichment program is only for purposes of nuclear power.

Say your country has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive toward its allies, then turn around and show arrogance and be dismissive, even derisive toward its allies.

Fill in the blanks with more in the comments section.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

"Nancy Pelosi in Bathing Suit"

That's the search term some slob plugged into dogpile and subsequently hit this on my site tonight, the connection between travel agencies and swimwear still jamming the electrical impulses in my axons.

I feel terribly slimy just coming across such analytics, like I've been standing two feet away from the president during a health care infomercial before a joint session of Congress and still need to wipe clean all the lies he's spit on me.

Nancy Pelosi in bathing suit.






What kind of sick and twisted and attention-starved cretin would type those five words into a search engine in the first place?

Immediately my mind conjures up some slovenly bloated anti-capitalist filmmaker whose movies have tanked so badly his credit cards are canceled and he's banned from open porn sites for posting pedophiliac comments and he's so compulsively terrified of going out in public he doesn't even know the local convenience store sells skin mags.

Nancy Pelosi in bathing suit.

That's like knocking on the gates of hell and asking if fat Ted Kennedy can go skinny dipping.

That's like asking the president if he'd take a $900 billion health care bill for letting someone sleep with Mobacca for one night.

That's like Janet Reno doing a striptease in the Oval Office for Slick Willie and rubbing her cankles on his neck. Wait. That probably really did happen.

Nancy Pelosi in bathing suit.

How did I get so cursed to have such a vile search lead to me?

I think I'll go out on the porch and open the grill and turn on the gas and stick my head inside.

The horror! The horror! The horror!

One Gay Man, Two Lesbians, a Three-legged Cat and a Poisoned Curry Plot

Who needs satire when you have news stories like this?

Deadly (For Us) R1N0 Flu Spreads Through Congress

Too bad they're not catching Ebola. 2010 can't come fast enough for me.

Via RedState

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Call the Asshole Weasel Republicans Now ...

... and tell them you have their next election in your hands. Because they're about to cave on health care.

And if they do ... I'm betting 9/12 will be the last time we assemble "peaceably."

Don't think it will happen? Perhaps you've forgotten about the 8 asshole Republicans who helped cap and trade pass the House.

Find your weasel, your least favorite weasel, or a fucking weasel who particularly needs to hear an angry voice here.

Via Goomba


The New Malaise

Obama's aura is no longer adored.

He's become a ghoulish specter, an incarnation of dread that haunts our prospects for progress, infects our anxiety when we balance our checkbooks, clouds our ideal of the future.

After 9 months in office, all he's accomplished is pain ... or ... as my friend Amusing Bunni commented here the other day ... he's "destroyed the economy, sucked up to our terrorist enemies, demoralized the CIA and the military, sent us marching towards Marxism faster than shit through a goose."

He's not the anti-Christ, as some have posited.

He's the antithesis of everything that America stands for: freedom, rugged individualism, (genuine, not his fake and condescending) optimism, truth, compassion, and the unquenchable pursuit of liberty.

His spray-on luster has worn off to reveal at the core what he really is: the quintessential anti-American.

And even liberals don't want to say his name:
Interestingly, there's this eerie silence about Obama. You don't hear a peep about him. Of course, liberals are still foaming at the mouth about Sarah Palin, tea baggers, birthers, and all things conservative.

But adulation for Obama: Missing in Action. A telling sign: the life-sized black and white cardboard doll of Obama in a storefront near my office has been taken down. Where did it go -- to the local recycling center with other discarded Obamabilia?
Jimmy Carter must be breathing quite a few sighs of relief, in between shucking peanuts with his two front teeth down there in Plains, Georgia (where, incidentally, the Cracker Barrel serves food that makes shoe leather taste appealing -- coincidence of proximity to extreme awfulness, perhaps?):

In a few years, we'll forget all about his malaise and recognize a new Democrat as the worst president in modern times, perhaps the worst president of all times.

In that case, at least one American will have realized the promise of hope and change.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Moonbat Gun-grabbing Texan Mayor Gets Pwned

Pissing off a Texan is never smart. Pissing off a Texan gun owner is even dumber. And pissing off a Texan gun owner with a blog and a lot of friends is about as stupid as trying to milk a gerbil with a vacuum cleaner hose.

But the only mayor in Texas to join the group Mayors Against Illegal Guns (MAIG) -- proving he was never too smart to begin with -- was just that stupid, and his moonbattery has him in deep shit over at TexasFred's.

Earlier today, Fred challenged Richard Ward, mayor of Hurst, Texas, in an email:
How does it feel to be the ONLY Mayor in the entire state of Texas to sign on to this veiled attempt at a libber gun grab?
Ward responded by letting loose (apparently from his ass) a stream of childish invective you'd expect from a troll, but not from the mayor of a city of 38,500 people:
You are as ugly as you are dumb. [Emphasis mine.] I suggest you at least take your picture from your web site. If you want to see a handsome dude, go to the City Of Hurst web site.

As to your question, how does it feel to be the only Mayor in Texas to be a member of MAIG. It feels wonderful. At least one mayor has the guts (actually I preferred another word) to stand up for what is right. I am sending you an attachment that I put together. You will likely have to have your wife or child read it to you. It has some big words in it. [Emphasis mine.] But… have it read to you with an open mind and you might realize that we are all seeking the same thing. Get the criminals and illegal guns off the streets.
And now this brilliant mayor has stirred a hornet's nest. You'd better make sure your false teeth are secured there, mayor. There's no telling how we're going to hold Fred back from jumping into his truck and driving to Hurst and giving you an impromptu dental exam.

UPDATE: The moonbat mayor has "signed off." I hope that doesn't mean he's going to do something drastic, like give himself a lobotomy. He'd be wasting his time; he's already brain dead.

They Really DON'T Have Anything Better To Do

One of the fun themes of this blog has been, at times, to tear the faces off of libs who either debate my silly satire on another site or come in here and try to "fact-check" my ridiculousness.

Such moonbattery has apparently gone MSM, with CNN attempting to fact-check just about the only funny thing SNL's done since the turn of the millennium: the "not fair" and "not true" satire of Obama this past weekend.

I can see CNN from where I work and promise you that CNN might be better off doing a little fact-checking of the people they allow to walk through their doors to draw a paycheck.

Obviously, they really don't have anything better to do with their time.

Via Hot Air, Patriot Room, and Greg Hengler


Sunday, October 4, 2009

The Day Obamacare Died


You're Correct, NY Times: Zero's Whoring Around Is Pretty Sad

It's quite damning for Dear Leader when even his concubines at the New York Times think he was off his rocker for traveling to Copenhagen only to get bitch slapped by the 18 votes his beloved Graftland got from the International Olympic Committee after his little speech:
As for why Mr. Obama went — especially if he wasn’t sure Chicago would win — here are two possible explanations: One, Mr. Obama, and his White House chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, another Chicagoan, love a good competition; the other is that they have a tad too much confidence in Mr. Obama’s hortatory powers.
But I take issue with the Times for its use of the word horatory to describe Barack Obama's so-called powers of persuasion. We all know that, without TOTUS, the pResident has the speaking ability of Keanu Reeves mixed with the annoying cadence of Robert Gibbs. And we all know that every time Obama opens his mouth, his poll numbers start hurtling toward the roman numeral that represents one of his many deservedly derogatory nicknames, Zero.

Frankly, I don't know why the Times didn't use the proper word to describe this pResident and his attitude of inserting himself into every situation he possibly can, as if he were sleeping with everyone around him, just so he can develop at least some sense of usefulness.

I don't know why, that is, the Times didn't just say that "they have a tad too much confidence in Mr. Obama's powers as a whore."

UPDATE: I stand corrected. It's not the Roman numeral zero Zero's numbers are hurtling toward; it's this famous German symbol.

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