COPENHAGEN – In an attempt to bring home the 2016 Olympics to Chicago, pResident Barack Obama today unveiled his vision of the Games to the International Olympic Committee, complete with recommendations for new Chicago-style competitions he plans to enter.
But events following his pitch indicate the pResident’s meddling has once again caused a direct opposite of his intent.
“The time has come for America to open its arms to the world, after all of the shame it has caused over the past 233 years,” Obama said, tying to use his lagging powers of persuasion to convince the IOC that bad-mouthing America should be enough for members to award the Olympics to Chicago tomorrow over the other finalist cities of Rio de Janeiro, Tokyo, and Madrid. “What better way to renew our global bonds than by hosting the world at the 2016 Olympics in Chicago? Not only that, but I also propose that the IOC see fit to add special events to mark the occasion, including gangland death beatings, shootings near my neighborhood, and our time-honored Chicago specialty, graft.”
Obama said he would personally attempt to medal five times in other competitions he proposed, including voter mind control, if you can’t sell your story change it, make it up as you go along, blame Bush, and, his most successful event to date, hopeless change.
“Let me be clear, I’m the first American president ever to lobby this committee because this … is all about me … and … I needed an excuse not to go to work today, anyway,” he said to stunned committee members, some of whom -- not accustomed to such hubris -- looked as if Michelle Obama had just put their cullions in a vice grip.
Immediately after the speech, Vegas was giving Obama 2 - 1 odds for achieving 5 gold medals if the Games were awarded to Chicago, but a Rasmussen poll revealed that 95 percent of IOC members said The Windy City would have stood a better chance if Obama had stayed home and kept his mouth shut and tended to more important matters, such as the disintegrating war in Afghanistan and the giant middle finger Iran is building atop its newly revealed nuclear facility.
Obama’s speech apparently turned off the IOC so badly that members were leaning toward awarding the 2016 games to either Tokyo or Rio de Janeiro.
“I don’t know what it is about that guy Obama, but when he opens his mouth, it’s almost as if he emits a foul stench so disgusting it immediately turns the stomachs of everyone, even people watching him on TV,” said one committee member, who chose to remain anonymous. “He has an awfully delusional opinion of his powers of persuasion. Frankly, they’re rot, and so is he, if you ask me.”
One theory is that Tokyo is now the odds on favorite because Tokyo governor Shintaro Ishihara warned the IOC that Godzilla is someday going to destroy Japan, and 2016 would likely be the last chance Tokyo would have to host the Games.
However, Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva is said to have promised the notoriously corrupt IOC lifetime passes to any of the country’s nude beaches in exchange for the 2016 Olympics, so Rio de Janeiro can’t be ruled out.
Sources close to Obama indicate the pResident is now prepared to reverse his “war of necessity” to bring the Olympics to Chicago and, instead, follow a policy of appeasement, if the leader of the winning country would only be his friend.
UPDATE: A satirist AND a friggin' prophet:
The shock of Chicago's elimination was greater for the fact that it came in the first round. And greater for the fact that President Obama had taken valuable hours from his packed and tense political schedule to travel to Copenhagen. His legendary powers of persuasion will be said to have failed him, though in reality it will be Chicago's bid that failed him. Nonetheless, this is a moment which allows the president's detractors to allege waning prestige on the part of his presidency. And it will raise questions about the political advice that he is receiving.