The Health Care Risks of Fat Fucking Congressmen Who Want National Health Care For You

The other day a story came out in the Washington Post indicating that Senate plans for “health reform” could very much end up coming down to this: Get healthy or get fucking taxed to death, with the emphasis on dying sooner so you can get the hell out of the way.

So, in the interest of clarity, let’s break down an April 2009 report by Politico, when the debate over national health takeover was just beginning so soon after America woke up to the fact that Democrats (and Democrat lite Senators Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins) had Obuggered us with a $787 billion “stimulus” plan that 6 months later hasn’t provided one tangible benefit (except the incredibly cheap per-job cost of $71,500 and the benevolence of turtle tunnels) and focus on one individual who has far too much influence over whether or not, under Obuggercare, your health status will be the difference among you receiving government gravy or being left alone or getting ground into soylent green.

As our poster child, our totem of fitness, our Health Care Superman, Congressman Barney Frank (Dickhead, Mass) is the perfect representative of nothing more than personal body abuse.

Barney Frank is an admitted fat piece of shit who likes to fuck men. As a doctor of snark, I'm perfectly qualified to diagnose his future and the future drain on the American taxpayer as a result of his probable future health care (which, if you haven't guessed, is the logic the Democrats are using to ram sweeping health care changes down our throats).

Since Frank is obese, he has a higher risk for many health problems (and we’ll go straight to the federal government for these “facts,” because we all know that only the federal government is credible enough to say what’s best for little ole you and me).

Fat fucking congressmen are at risk for type 2 diabetes (that’s when you’re so unhealthy your body can’t use sugar and parts of it start to rot, including your extremities. That means things like your dick start to fall off, Barney. I would think, in particular, a fat gay fucking congressman would be in need of a strong dick, if for nothing less than to continue buggering the American people).

Fat fucking congressmen are at risk for heart disease and stroke. That’s when a blood clot lodges in your heart or brain or an artery leading to your brain. What happens to fat fucking congressmen, and to any person with these problems, is parts of your heart literally die … or, if the blood clot gets caught in your brain or the arteries leading to your brain, your brain literally starts to die. Now, although many Americans would argue that fat fucking congressmen have neither a heart nor a brain to begin with, it’s important you know that fat fucking congressmen are at risk for costing me a lot of fucking money for keeping you on life support when your obviously awful fucking eating and exercise habits render you a fucking vegetable and a burden to fucking society.

Fat fucking congressmen are at risk for cancer. That’s when, worse than diabetes, your body starts to eat itself. That’s right, fat fucking congressmen are infinitely more at risk for having cells within their body mutate. That means, for you uneducated fat fucking congressmen, the cells within your body change and gobble nearby cells like they’re on the menu at the local buffet for fat fucking congressmen. Eventually these gobbling mutating cells take over so much of your body that your body no longer represents that of a fat fucking congressman but one of a thin fucking old person pretending to be a model, or a stick figure, because, when these cells gobble each other, there’s nothing left of fat fucking congressmen but their flesh and bones. The cost of treating fat fucking congressmen with cancer is so astronomical we could, instead, probably bomb the moon with rockets every week to check for water and find none and still come out ahead. I’m beginning to think that spending $79 million to bomb the moon might be more important than treating fat fucking congressmen with cancer.

Now let’s get into some risks of homosexual behavior. Fat fucking gay congressmen are more likely to transmit social diseases they wouldn’t want their mother to have. One of them, AIDS, makes cancer look like a little leaguer who never takes the bat off his shoulder.

Fat fucking gay congressmen are also more likely to get human papillomavirus, a virus that can cause cervical cancer in women. In men (as in women), HPV can cause the lovely physical and contagious characteristic of genital warts. But it can also cause “cancer of the prick” and anal cancer. Sounds like a lot of fun. Why am I not gay? I’ve been missing so much all these years.

You know, while wine is fine, whiskey’s quicker, and I’d like to challenge any member of Congress or the Senate who even thinks of signing a bill that would require me to give up my Constitutional right to eat or drink whatever the fuck I want, in lieu of the threat of financial penalties established by the federal government for “bad” food or drink choices, to a water pistol duel, in D.C., in December, over my personal honor, and my individual liberty (you know, that Constitutional phenomenon, or right, that allows disobedient civilians like me to take on fat fucking gay congressmen and their bullshit friends).

Because I guarantee you the pitchforks and torches you’ll be facing if you pass this shit bill will scare you more than any childish duel, even terrifying fat fucking gay congressmen who’d love to have a public health care option that doesn’t apply to them.