CNN’S WOLF BLITZER: In surprising news, we've just learned this morning that President mmm-mmm-mmm Barack Hussein Obama has been awarded the title of Miss Universe for 2010. Sources indicate his girly pitch at Major League Baseball’s All-Star game this past summer was so stunningly feminine it put him far beyond the talents and beauty of next year’s potential competition, and the Miss Universe Organization decided to award Obama the honor without ever holding the pageant.
The sheer elegance of his many appearances on the covers of Newsweek and Time merely added diamonds to his crown.
[Holds his hand to the microphone in his ear.]
Wait...wait…I'm being informed that the president is about to deliver remarks from the Rose Garden. Let's cut to his speech right now....
[The president stands gracefully before the dais, head held high, looking down his nose at the herd of reporters gathered before him, some of whom graze on chrysanthemum petals and freshly cut grass.]
[Now...to the nittygritty...]
OBAMA: Good morning. Well, this is not how I expected to wake up this morning. After I received the news, Sasha walked in and said, "Daddy, you won the Miss Universe title; can I borrow some mascara?" And then Malia added, "Plus, you’ve been wearing my training bra again. I want it back." So it's good to have kids to keep things in perspective.
I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the decision of the judges to award me the title of Miss Universe for 2010 even though the pageant never took place. Let me be clear: I do not view it as a recognition of my own beauty and elegance and talents, but rather as an affirmation of the fiction that the mere idea of me has engendered in the minds of many throughout the world. Plus, I look pretty sexy in a hula skirt.
To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the deliciously beautiful women who've been honored by this prize -- women who've inspired me to go through sexual reorientation surgery and inspired the entire world in the courageous pursuit of girlymanness.
But I also know that this prize reflects the kind of world that those women, and all Americans, want to build -- a world where Kevin Jennings can be Gay Czar. And I know that throughout history, the Miss Universe crown has not just been used to honor beauty and talent; it's also been used as a means to give momentum to social causes, such as instructing teenage boys to use condoms when they copulate with members of NAMBLA. And that is why I will accept this award as a call to action -- a call for all men to askew their masculinity and become feminine in the 21st century.
These challenges can't be met by any one leader or any one nation. And that's why my administration has worked to establish a new era of girlymanness in which all nations must take responsibility for the world we seek. We cannot tolerate a world in which powerful men do nothing except take taxpayer jets to Copenhagen or New York or Chicago and have date nights or play golf all day and ignore international chaos that endangers all people. And that's why we've begun to take concrete steps to ensure that all boys in public school learn about gender reorientation, because all boys have the ability to become girls and win the Miss Universe title, too.
We cannot accept the growing threat posed by masculinity, which could forever damage the world that we pass on to our children -- the threat of providing us with real men who achieve real peace, the threat of sparking incredible wealth for millions by merely cutting taxes in the face of great economic uncertainty. And that's why all nations must now accept their share of responsibility for transforming all boys into girls.
We can't accept a world in which more people are denied the opportunity to receive great honors without having done anything to earn them -- the ability to talk out of your ass and act arrogantly toward those who disagree with you and steal other people’s money and freedom for your own glorification.
And even as we strive to seek a world in which everyone is remade into my image, we have to confront the world as we know it today. I am the Commander-in-Chief of a country that's responsible for …
[TOTUS’ screen suddenly goes dark, the words of Obama’s speech disappearing like his fleeting thoughts.]
Well, I’m not really sure what we’re responsible for, since I never really do any work. Plus my hormones are really crazy right now. But I’ve discovered that being Commander-in-Chief is a wonderful way to get a lot of bling!
[Looks away from TOTUS, toward Mobama, who stands by a cherry tree, picking her teeth with ABC White House Correspondent Jake Tapper.]
Hey, Mo? Mo?
[Mobama stops picking her teeth and tosses Tapper to the ground.]
I hear I get $1.4 million for winning this thing. Let’s go to Target and use some of it to buy me new panties. Yours are just too big for me.
[The couple walks away from the Rose Garden, holding hands, Mobama squeezing the president’s fingers.]
OBAMA: Damnit, Mo; that hurts. We’ve just got to stop feeding you HGH.
UPDATE II: Of course, there comes a time when one must acknowledge the clout of Chairman Zero's accomplishments:
And then take them from him....