House Speaker Nancy Pelosi turns a fellow Congresswoman into a cockroach.
WASHINGTON -- House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), claiming she no longer knows what is going on inside her own brain, yesterday challenged Congress to investigate…whether or not she knows anything at all.
“I mean, like, really. Do I Know? Did I know? Did I not know? When did I know or not know? Will I ever know? It’s…like…really confusing to me,” she said, standing at the podium on the floor of the House twirling her hair with one hand, picking a tooth with the other, her vacant gaze following a speck of dust floating past the podium as she spoke.
When Rep. Mary Bono Mack (R-Calif.) rose and requested permission to inform Pelosi the issue on the floor actually was whether or not Congress should investigate the Central Intelligence Agency, and perhaps even former Vice President Dick Cheney, Pelosi glared back and cast a spell, turning Bono Mack into a cockroach.
Bono Mack promptly skittered away, fearing further abuse. Luckily, Rep. Ron Paul (R-Tex.), seated along the aisle, stuck his foot out and squished the cockroach, before she could get away and multiply.
Oblivious to the events around her, Pelosi went on: “Like, what? What I know, or don’t know, and when, is not even the issue anymore? We’re talking about Cheney now? Who’s Cheney?”
She didn’t even notice Henry Waxman (R-Calif.) collapse on the floor and writhe around, thumb in his mouth, tears streaming down his face, in agony over the loss of Bono Mack, one of the infamous "Aces 8" who were instrumental in the Waxman-Markey "Cap-and-Trade" bill getting through the House in June.
“Really,” Pelosi continued. “I think we should just go ahead and start with me, figure out, like, if I know anything at all, and just go from there.”
Pelosi made her speech after several Democratic members of Congress called for a series of hearings to investigate a secret CIA counterterrorism program, directed by Cheney without the apparent knowledge of Congress, to kill high-level al Qaeda members. Congress just learned about the program last week.
But instead of giving the House Intelligence Committee the green light to investigate the CIA, she inexplicably steered the intelligence committee toward herself, turning the House upside.
“I have no idea what just happened,” Rep. Silvestre Reyes (D-Texas), intelligence committee chairman, said after the session, "but she does bring up a good point that we should first be trying to find any intelligence at all in the House itself before we start looking for it somewhere else.”
Pelosi’s quest for her own knowledge apparently stems from still unanswered questions about the CIA program to waterboard certain al Qeada detainees to secure valuable intelligence and stop further acts of terrorism, following the devastating events of September 11, 2001.
First Pelosi said she didn’t know about the use of waterboarding. Then GOP operatives said she did. Then a Pelosi aide said she sure did know. THEN Pelosi said she knew, but that the CIA and the Bush administration lied to her.
Now that Pelosi is apparently senile and looking for answers, Rep. Spencer Bachus (R-Ala.) said he will continue to push to find out what she knew and when, including regarding the so-called secret CIA counterterrorism program.
“This is about the most bizarre behavior I’ve seen on the floor of the House since Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D - R.I.) did a line of cocaine right in front of me on one of the back benches,” Bachus said. “But she’s right; we’ve got to find out if the Speaker is a liar, since a liar calling someone else a liar is about as ridiculous as Democrats calling Republicans racist for criticizing the policies of a black president so soon after having called a former Republican president a chimp.”
Bachus did not rule out waterboarding Pelosi to get to the bottom of the truth.
Meanwhile, in other events around Washington today, sources say, President Barack Obama has repeatedly been dressing up in the Oval Office as the Roman Emperor Nero and playing a fiddle (quite badly) while watching DVD footage of a raging forest fire.