Monday, July 27, 2009

Obama Issues Gag Order over Racial Firestorm

WASHINGTON -- Facing increasing criticism today over interjecting himself into a routine arrest involving a black man and a white police officer last week, President Barack Obama signed an executive order banning all public and private discussion of the incident, particularly in reference to him.

“I think the teachable moment has ended,” the president said, reading a statement to groveling reporters in the Blue Room at the White House. “America has talked enough, and that talk isn’t doing me any good at all, and the only thing that’s been taught is that I am just as likely as the vice president to reveal my true, dangerous thoughts when speaking without a teleprompter. I hereby declare further discussion of my involvement in the aftermath of the arrest last week of my good friend Henry Louis Gates by Cambridge Police Sergeant James Crowley to be a federal offense of the new ‘disorderly criticism of the president’ statute that we’ve introduced to the record today. Offenders will be arrested and housed indeterminately, presumably until after someone dares to try to get me out of office, in a facility similar to the detention center in Guantanamo Bay; we just have to work out details over its funding, location, and construction later. I have a call in with the Chinese right now to see if they have some spare change for us to start the design.”

The president refused to comment further following his prepared remarks, instead hoisting VTOTUS, giving his new teleprompter a loving caress and a kiss on the screen, and carrying the only thing keeping him from sounding like an idiot as he walked silently from the room.

Details of the executive order began to emerge quickly following the news conference. ACORN Obamabots who helped the president get elected in November were ordered to begin immediate patrols across America, of neighborhood streets, subways, taxi cabs, bars, summer schools, businesses, malls, airplanes, trains, private homes, family sedans and SUVs, and truck stop and airport bathroom stalls to listen for any discussion of the subject. Their orders, sources say, are to report back using secure BlackBerries with direct connections to the president, each, like his, costing $4,000, and then make immediate arrests.

One Obamabot, who said his name was Leflower DeAcron Oaktrunk, had this to say, when reporters caught up with him peaking under the door of a Target dressing room to listen to a woman talking on her cell phone: “Dah... fazzelbaden… Barack… crumbcake… mescaline.”

Such enlightened and skillful soldiers are said to be emerging from cracks in walls and skittering across floors and streets and into closets all over America at this very moment.

Flack over the incident took off last week when the president said Cambridge police “acted stupidly” in arresting Gates for disorderly conduct a few days earlier, after police were called to the house rented by the Harvard African Studies professor. Gates and a companion had broken into the house because Gates left his keys inside. When confronted by Crowley and other police officers (one black, one Latina), according to the official police report, Gates was uncooperative and raised his voice. Charges were later dropped, before Obama entered the discussion.

Even after the president issued his decree, talk of the incident occurred briefly today, before the president’s Obamabots descended, as if pouring from light sockets and from under filthy toilet seats, to arrest prominent conservative radio talk show hosts Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.

Limbaugh, arguing the president had committed a grave political error in trying to stir up racial tensions in America, was hauled away from his Florida studio following his early afternoon broadcast. Hannity, insinuating the president’s comments reflected beliefs he learned from the Rev. Jeramiah Wright (Obama’s former pastor at Trinity Unity Church of Christ), was hit from behind with bolts from two tasers during commercial break, sources say, and dragged away by three goons who resembled clones of Rahm Emanuel, the president’s chief of staff.

Reached later, the Rev. Wright had this to say about the incident, followed by this. No one came to arrest him.

Press Secretary Robert “Ahhhh” Gibbs issued the following statement late in the day: “The president has had enough of people stirring up racial debate in this country. Yes, I know, he was the first one to bring race into the mix, well, after Professor Gates, but the president believes it’s time to stop the debate. And we all know…when the president talks…people had better start listening…or else.”

Conspicuously missing during the debate was Vice President Joe Biden, who early last week was in Ukraine. Sources say Biden was being held, for his own good, in the bunker beneath the Eisenhower complex (no use keeping it a secret, since he’s already told everyone about it), bound and gagged, so he doesn’t make things worse.

This reporter was able to procure a note Biden scribbled just as the secret service was hauling him down to the bunker: “Were there any hot police in on the call to Professor Gates’ house? If so, send me an email with a youtube video of it! I'll watch it on my phone. I cannot believe that a black man visiting Cambridge went back home and told his colleagues he discovered something and didn’t say he discovered the most beautiful police officers in the world; that’s my observation.”


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