I hope you're happy, Minnesota.
Hi, there. I’m the new senator for Minnesota. I just taught Al Gore how to REALLY do a recount. (Psst! Al…next time…use more DEAD PEOPLE!)
Anyway, to get on with my story: I was born an asshole. There’s really no other way to describe me. From my asshole bunny ears to my asshole diaper to my asshole Cat in the Hat socks, I’ve been an asshole forever. (Al Gore, eat your friggin' heart out. Luvs ya, man. Luvs ya!)
You see, only a real asshole would lead a public life like this as a younger humorless comedian and think decades later that no one would remember what an asshole I was, am, and forever shall be, so help me God. NOT! Hahahahahahaha. (I never say “God” in public. Ha!)
In fact, you know, to be brutally honest, I’m really young at heart. I’ve always been drawn to strange dolls, preferably the blow-up kind…which is why as my first official act in the Senate I’m REALLY excited about having a one-on-one conversation in “chambers” with Barbara Boxer; I hear she’s a real show girl.
As my next official act, I’m going to reveal my true identity to all the world. Besides, one more clown among a sea of clowns on Capitol Hill isn't going to hurt anybody...except maybe TAXPAYERS!
Of course, no one is truly fit without a breakfast of losers, and that’s why I recommend all of my constituents back in Minnesota start snorting Franken Cola as part of their daily nutritious breakfast. Hey: It got me where I am today!
And while we’re on the subject of my assholery, it is entirely NOT true that years of drug abuse have left me unable to feel my nose or upper lip…flubidty… flubidty...flubidty…flubidty. Hey, Joey (Biden)! Thanks for the straw! We simply MUST do lines in your bunker at the Eisenhower complex some time.
Then there’s this thing I have to say to you conservatives who want to mess with me: @#$%$% Q$#%@#% ) *U_)&_*) (* @%@%$@ $%% _*_***_ %%%%!, or I’ll haul your ass before a Senate sub-committee hearing on Assholes Who Have Actually Figured out how to Earn Money in the Time of Obugger. I’ll get you, losers!
You see, if you really must know, I’m crazy as a shithouse rat. That's why I'm perfect for the Senate.
What I’m really trying to say is, everything’s going to be all right: The president has my ear (and it tickles, too!). God…(yuck!)...bless America. And may the president have a great Luau at your expense.