“I informed the president at the airport that he is an evil spirit, and because of this the boy did not want to see him,” said Hawabu Tarana, the juju (witch) doctor from the boy’s hometown of Kumasi, and family spokesman. “There is also a rumor going around that the reason Mr. Obama cannot produce a birth certificate is because he used it to roll some ganja and smoked it. We believe smoking paper invites evil spirits to take over the soul.
“The boy has been learning of Mr. Obama’s actions over the past few months, during our Saturday evening witch-doctor training ceremonies, where we drink powerful herbs and slip into trances and channel the events of the world. The boy, frankly, has been struck by Mr. Obama’s arrogance, something he doesn’t want exposure to.
“He was furthermore concerned the president’s plummeting approval rating so soon after taking office was indication that Mr. Obama was a snake oil salesman whose ‘Yes, We Can’ mantra was actually terribly bad juju that coerced 62 million evil spirits to vote for him. Also, the boy had read in tea leaves that the president wasn’t even going to come by, but instead planned to take his girls out for accra banana peanut cake, ice cream being a delicacy that is hard to come by in Ghana.”
Felix Afriyie, a young school boy from Kumasi, is said to be the president’s illegitimate son, sources say, from a union Obama had with the boy’s mother during a trip to West Africa while he was contemplating a run for the U.S. Senate.
The trip to see the child had become a point of contention inside the First Family. The president is said to have needed to put the issue behind him by apologizing to the boy for his actions and for all of the terrible things America hasn’t done to increase the standard of living in West Africa.
Obama is said to have secretly wanted to see the boy precisely because his wife hasn’t been able to provide him with a son. Obama, sources say, was planning to take the boy back with him to the White House and teach him the ropes of Chicago community organizing on a national scale.
The First Lady, meanwhile, who knew about the affair at the time but chose to look the other way because of her husband’s promising political career, has instead become so upset recently she’s developed a habit of kicking the president in the ass every chance she gets.
“He’s really afraid that someday she’s going to take it up a few notches and punch him in the face and knock him out in front of someone he reveres, like Hugo Chavez,” said a person familiar with the Obama’s family dynamic. “I know for a fact she beats him with a wooden spoon when no one’s looking. Also, she violently tugs on the president’s ears every time she finds out he flubbed a line during a speech.”
Still, the president, undeterred by his wife’s chiding, wasn’t going to let the witch doctor stand between him and the boy either. So, shortly after landing and meeting with Tarana, Secret Service formed a motorcade using local drivers and ferried Obama the 200 km trip from Accra to Kumasi.
Obama had hoped to persuade the child to come out to meet him, but upon arriving at the Afriyie home, the president was greeted by new construction obviously undertaken in anticipation of his arrival:
The president was devastated, a source said. “He cried like a little baby and didn’t want to go on. He was ready to forget about continuing his Apology for America World Tour, and even got on his secure BlackBerry to call Joe Biden to say he was resigning, but then Michelle slapped him in the head and said “Whatchu talkin’ about, Barry” and told him if he resigned she was going to tell the world he’d been having a secret affair with TOTUS.”
About the only the thing that lifted the president’s spirits, as his motorcade turned around and drove back to the airport in Accra, was discovering the new practice among Ghanians of impaling Obamaflags into their skulls.
“My poll numbers may have tanked back home, but at least the people of Ghana, well all 12 that turned out to see me, are mutilating themselves in my name,” his driver, A. Emmanuel, overheard Obama say.
“The man is happy people are defacing themselves in his honor? There is something truly wrong with him,” Emmanuel said. “I feel sorry for the American people having to live under such a leader. Perhaps they would like to move to Ghana. I hear, the way things are going over there, the U.S. is going to look like a Third-World country soon, anyway.”
UPDATE: Well, HELL...I just got picked up by the evil moonbats over at Daily Kos, who happen to claim that I am....wait for it....DISGUSTING...because they think I'm going after a "little boy"...when...if they had any brains and read the piece, they'd recognize that I'm....GOING AFTER THEIR FECKLESS ASSHOLE LEADER. Bring it on, folks. Bring it on....
Oh...and...thanks for the hits, moonbats!
UPDATE II: Hey Kos, Zombiecrats. Your listing leader is sinking deeper and deeper into his own despair, taxing your limitless moonbattery into oblivion, leaving you barren and bereft of a future and your children and grandchildren (if you haven't aborted them) the equivalent of ragamuffins...and yet you want to blame Bush...7 months into the most embarrassing administration since...wait for it...your hero, Jimmy Carter...and yet...you whine on and on and on, and attack what you don't understand, your brains having been melded by Obugger's juju. Live with that...and enjoy the decline your way of thinking has wrought upon this entire planet. Because when we fail, dumbasses, everything fails. Or didn't your poor excuse for a leader think that far ahead? Oh...that's right...he's letting you read beforehand the fruitcake legislation that gets passed...and he's not going to tax you (until he needs to)...and he's going to give you health care, so you can go watch American Idol all night...and he's stimulating the construction of...turtle tunnels. Ah, the Turtle Tunnel President. That's a fine example of "hope and change."
Yes, we can?
No...no you can't at all...
UPDATE III: Since the moonbats over at Daily Kooskoos have been cherry picking from this satire and the follow-up comments and posting them with a lot of "hateful," to use their own term, words of their own (and, btw, there's a HELL of a lot of rapier wit in here, Kooskoos knuckledraggers...but I apologize that your brains haven't developed enough to understand it), I'm going to cherry pick from them, specifically this choice comment, which, I'll posit now, is REALLY what they believe and would prefer be a conservative's fate:
That's awfully loving of you, bdbd...I believe your party czars will need to make sure they re-educate you before they throw me in Gitmo. Hope you toss and turn all night about this...
Please don't tell us about crap like this. (1+ / 0-)
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It just makes me want to change my opinion about capital punishment and gun control and do away with fucktards such as this, and then I try to compose a scathing comment in response and wish I could send a grenade or poison through the inter
net, but I really am not willing to register on their stupid blog, and by now I'm all depressed about the future of the world and the fact that there's nothing I can do about these people except hope that they die a painful death in the very near future, and then I've wasted 10 minutes for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
KoosKoosians: I've let your toddler comments get through, all 2 of them, an d then stomped all over them. So...keep it coming, girls...
UDPATE IV: H/T: TexasFred. Well, I'll be Obuggered. A Daily Kossacks blogger accused of posting hate speech on conservative blogs and then blaming it on liberals. Hmm...I would have never figured it. In fact, from the horse's ass's mouth, here's how he advocated on Kos how fellow Kossacks should say nasty little things about blacks...and then blame it on conservatives:
That's quite pleasant, Kossacks!