Wednesday, July 22, 2009

“We Rescued the Economy”

That’s a funny way to say “we’re still in a deep recession.” When the third round of layoffs went through my little company three weeks ago, the first thing I thought was, “Wow. That Obama, he’s really rescued the economy.”

Yeah, you rescued the economy, Obugger. That's why unclaimed dead bodies are stacking up in the Los Angeles County morgue because their relatives have so much money they’re just letting the government have the honor of footing the bill for the burials. That's why you need a federal toilet paper tax so you can pay for all those extra flushes you need to send just about every good business model down the crapper. That's why some New Yorkers could be paying as much as 60 percent of their income in taxes if you manage to Rahm your Obamacare plan through despite more than 50 percent of the population thinking you're the one we should send on the first manned mission to Mars, the sooner the better.

Yeah, you rescued the economy. That's why Detroit, one of the former symbols of economic ingenuity and craftsmanship and hard work, will now forever be a ghost town, when the only city deserving of such a fate is Washington, D.C. That’s why Michigan's unemployment is surging toward 20 percent, and at least 15 of your "57 states" just went over 10 percent unemployment last month. You know the economy is rescued when one in 5 state employees is collecting unemployment.

Yeah, you rescued the economy. That's why Cauli-for-nia's been sending out IOUs not only to citizens waiting for tax refunds but also to creditors waiting for the gubernator to pay the bills. That's why 27,000 criminals could be released on the streets of California because the economy is sooooo good they need extra workers to pick phantom crops that grew in our imaginations because you won't let farmers water their fields.

Yeah, you rescued the economy. That's why Joey "Slapstick" Biden's walking around talking about spending money we don't have in order to keep from going bankrupt. That's why you've been quietly telling people, who are just trying to stop you from making terrible policy mistakes because you haven't even read what your health care bills says, that they're going "to destroy [your] presidency." That's why it's not about you; it's about YOU.

Yeah, you rescued the economy. That’s why we have a cap and tax bill that would cost the average family $4,000 a year that won’t pass the Senate because members of your own caucus would rather wrap a rope around their necks and tie it to a parking meter and get in their cars and hit the gas pedal. That’s why no one’s buying cars from the shell of a company called Government Motors that you now effectively own because they must be waiting for the little one-seater 20 hp version of the Hummer to come out. That’s why Missouri Rep. Russ Carnahan got booed off the stage for telling baldfaced lies that your health care plan would actually MAKE the federal government money.

So while you’re up there pandering your $1.3 trillion or $3 trillion or $300 gazillion government takeover of my wallet and that of every other hard working American, while you’re up there worrying about your presidency being destroyed because you keep talking about getting so much done while little if anything (except government largess) gets done, while you’re up there wondering about your dwindling support among “conservative” members of your own party, among independents, among regular American people who don't have your elitist attitude but who are definitely waking up (finally), you may want to think about this:

This economy isn’t “rescued,” not by a long shot. And if it does get better while you’re still in office, remember that while your Waterloo moment may be coming you’ve still done enough damage in 6 months to leave us with plenty of reasons for years to come to invade China so we don't have to pay them back.

Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’m not very interested in hearing you speak tonight. I have a movie to watch to prepare for the future. It’s called Dumb and Dumber.


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