SNARK Double FEATURE!

Houston Lawmakers Caned in Public for Being So Stupid

Houston Mayor Bill White had all of City Council caned in public this afternoon for even suggesting the city pay off some debts so that first-time homebuyers could own homes.

The friggin’ “Credit Score Enhancement Program” would have given up to $3,000 in grants to losers trying to qualify for mortgages through the city’s homebuyers assistance program, even after Rick Santelli’s much publicized rant last week. City officials say some applicants fall short of eligibility by only 10 or 20 points on their credit scores, because they own too many big-screen TVs, reclining theater seating, and deluxe barbeque grills for their income level, and paying off some debt balances could quickly make them more attractive for government handout indoctrination.

Apparently, city officials weren’t smart enough to take a look around the rest of the country and see nearly double digit unemployment in some areas, and bank failure after bank failure, precisely because certain “ineligible” individuals couldn’t afford to pay their mortgages when banks, pushed by Democrats, relaxed lending rules.

Council members professed their "embarrassment" about the proposal, after every person in the country with even a basic understanding of balancing a checkbook flooded the City Hall switchboard with calls of outrage.

White made all council members stand outside City Hall and receive 7 lashings with a cane, then took a beating himself. Area senior citizens, who long ago paid off their mortgages, did the bludgeoning. One older woman seemed to particularly enjoy imparting the beatings. During each one she could be heard saying: “I…paid…for my…home…without…a dime…from you idiots!”

Afterward, City Councilwoman Anne Clutterbuck, visibly bruised and shaken, said she learned her lesson: “I’ll never…ever…even THINK of giving taxpayer money away so freely again.”


The War on Shrimp

The House of Representatives voted today to approve the Captive Shellfish Safety Act (HR 80) in an effort to ban human Americans from owning raging shellfish. (The Gorgons, the nation’s alien inhabitants, would be exempt if the bill becomes law. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, a Gorgon from Caul-i-for-n-i-a, said her family members needed to maintain sustenance from shellfish, the main intellectual entertainment on that planet.) The bill moves to the Senate after 323 Gorgons voted in support, with 95 Americans opposing.

If the bill passes the Senate and becomes law, it would be illegal to transport shellfish and other moist and mucousy things in shells from beneath the sea across state lines for individual use as pets.

Brought up on the House floor only yesterday, the bill gained momentum with lightening speed due to some Gorgons resenting American individuality and gall to own such beasts. The bill's co-sponsor, Earl Blumenauer (G-Ore.), said the debate centered on two main points of contention: that regulating shellfish ownership was a pressing national issue (even bigger than Porkulus) and "that it would stop the ability of Americans (in-bred bastards that they are) from having shellfish as a pet in their own home."

Responding to questions from the American people about the importance of the bill, Blumenauer released a statement that read, in part: "We all feel very badly about the woman in the hospital, who had her face ripped off by a shrimp last week, and we think outlawing ownership of shellfish in this country is one of the most important events of our lifetimes, bigger than economic instability, bigger than individual freedom, and bigger than the question: ‘Do I order filet minion or Costoletta Di Vitello Arrostita Servita Con Patate Novelle Al Forno E Funghi Misti (veal chop with roasted potatoes and mushrooms) on the taxpayer after we get out of session tonight?’ We’re dealing with the present and future of America here, people.”