Arlen Sphincter: Why I Support Porkulus

I’m Arlen Sphincter, and I wasn’t born into this world. I fell out of a Democrat’s ass…and I’ve been leaving a stain wherever I travel since.

I support Porkulus because I’m a dope of epic proportions. Not only did I start my political career as a Democrat, but you have me to thank for the invention of the asinine single-bullet theory in the Warren Commission Report. Being only a paper supporter of the 2nd Amendment and not actually owning any weapons (accept for the pen I use to sign big-spending legislation), I don’t have any concept of the trajectory of bullets or what happens if one would enter two human bodies and supposedly skewer 15 layers of clothing, 7 layers of skin, and some 15 inches of tissue, striking a necktie knot, eviscerating 4 inches of rib, and shattering a radius bone along the way. I would think that bullet would appear pretty pristine, don’t you? Yeah. I told you I fell out of someone’s ass.


I support Porkulus because the law (or the appearance of it) has always been my guide. I eventually became a Republican (in name only) because I thought it was way cool back in the ‘60s before all the peaceniks came along (or I would have joined them instead). But my real love, above “bi-partisanship,” has always been the law. (That’s why I toe the line and still French kiss Democrats on so many fronts because I “refuse to criminalize” uproariously fun things to do, like having abortions and letting immigrants stay here and have abortions at your expense.) Long before I was one of the [obligatory gag reflex] most respected members of the U.S. Senate, I was an attorney in private practice. I represented greenie wacko Ira Einhorn, the “Unicorn” killer who is credited with founding Earth Day, thank you very much…who also just happened to kill his girlfriend and stuff her in a closet for a couple years. I got the judge to let him out on ridiculously low bail, and Ira fled to Europe for nearly 20 years, avoiding conviction until 2002. That’s just one of my many acts of lavishly spending the taxpayers’…I mean...government’s money. Porkulus, you see, is the biggest piece of crap law to come along in the history of mankind. I just couldn’t resist the chance to be the vote that makes it all happen. (I also fantasize about starting a Congressional pony farm and decorating the ponies’ manes with pink and purple and yellow ribbons, but even Democrats think I’m nutty for it.)

I support Porkulus because I ALWAYS do dumbass things with your…I mean…the government’s money. I count as one of my most meaningful accomplishments the near-Congressional hearings I almost got going on the important subject of the New England Patriots spygate case. I consider the sanctity of the National Football League paramount to our country’s national defense. Why, if we let this kind of thing continue to go on, you just might turn off your TVs…and start paying more attention to what we’re doing here in Congress. You might look for (real…not bullshit) hope and change. I say…I say…I say let’s spend your (government) money to get to the bottom of this…so that Operation NFL-BigScreenTV-AmericanMindMeld can continue as planned. (Shucks…did I just write that? Um…well…I meant to say, so that you fine people can have balanced and honest and wholesome and unrated violence to watch on TV five months out of the year.)

I support Porkulus because I’m a proud conspirator in undermining lots of things. For example, I played a key role in the developments that led to William Safire coining the term “Borked.” You see, I was one of the idiots who backed then Senator Joe Biden (now our thoughtful-speaking vice president) and helped Democrats excoriate Ronald Reagan’s Supreme Court justice nominee Robert Bork and reject his nomination because of his political beliefs. (Why should we have looked at his judicial record when his “beliefs” and his video rental history surely would have governed his thinking on the nation’s highest court? Why, my beliefs always govern my thinking...that’s why I vote like a Democrat! P.S. Please don’t let anyone know my favorite movie is Howard the Duck.)

I support Porkulus because I’m goofy as all hell. I chose the Scots law anachronism (because I am one) of “not proven” in the impeachment proceedings against X-42, instead of just being clear and voting “not guilty,” because we practice Scots law every day here in America. Didn’t you know? Hell, I’m a show off at heart. That’s why I puff up my chest like a rooster when there’s any perception of wrong doing by anyone (see the Patriots), but then I settle down to roost on some hen’s eggs because I’m really just a eunuch.

I support Porkulus because I think it’s wonderful the Democrats are going to saddle my great-grandchildren with socialism, high taxes, poor economic futures, and fun had by all. After all, it’s not every day you get to be completely stupid and attach your name to an $827 economic spending bill that helps Americans buy digital converters for their 1978 TVs, gives money to such powerful economic engines as NASA and the National Science Foundation and the National Institutes of Health (NIH), and has little, if anything , to do with direct relief to the people who really fuel this economy: taxpayers and businesses. (Screw you guys, anyway, you filthy taxpayers and businesses. You’ve never done anything for me, accept keep me in office for 29 years.) Besides, I want the $6.5 billion for NIH medical research to be used for embryonic stem cell research that lets me live forever. THEN, I will run for PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSE (because by then, it will take the taxes of all living organisms in the entire universe to support the annual federal budget)!

I support Porkulus because it’s been said that when I’m within two years of running for re-election, I always throw my big puffy chest to the side of conservatives in my party, so they’ll help me defeat whatever legitimate conservative the good people of Pennsylvania put up against me. I’m up for re-election in 2010. I’ve been here for 29 years and haven’t moved up the ladder. I need a break (before I get to live forever and run for PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSE)…and I know that my support of Porkulus will guarantee that next year the good people of Pennsylvania will shove me back up that asshole from whence I came. [Lord, friggin’ let it be so. Amen!]

That way I can go play with some ponies on a farm somewhere until the NIH cures me of asshole-itis, and I get to live forever and become PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSE.