New School House Rock: I’m Just a Stimulus Bill

Boy: Woof! You sure gotta slip a lot of people some unmarked cash to get into this Capitol Building here in Washington, at least that’s what they say about The Chicago Way. But I wonder who that sad crumpled scrap of paper is?

I'm just a Stimulus bill.
Yes, I'm only a big fat pork barrel bill.
And I'm sitting here on The Messiah’s Capitol Hill.
Well, it's a long, long journey
To the capital-less shanty.
It's a long, long wait
While I'm in Harry Reid’s committee,
But I know I'll be a criminal law someday
At least I hope (and pay off a few moderates) so I will,
But today I’m still just a Stimulus bill.

Boy: Gee, Stimulus, you certainly have a lot of crap heaped on you for something that’s supposed to pick the country up off the ground.

Bill: Well I got this far, didn’t I, punk? When I started, I wasn't even so-called stimulus (and you can’t really say I am now), I was just a bunch of disparate socialist ideas in Democrats’ minds that they couldn’t ram through Congress until W. got out. Some folks back home decided they wanted hope and change, so they called their local Congressman (Nancy Pelosi…yes…I said Congressman) and said, "We’re paying The Messiah’s way to the promised land, so there oughta be some meat thrown our way." Then she sat down and tossed every piece of crap you can think of on me and introduced me to Congress. And I became a bill, and got rammed through the House, and I'll remain a bill in the Senate until they get enough moderates to help make me law.

I'm just a Stimulus bill.
Yes, I'm only a big fat pork barrel bill.
And I got as far as The Messiah’s Capitol Hill.
Well, now I'm stuck in Harry Reid’s committee
And I'll sit here and wait
While a few crackpot Congressmen pay off and sedate
Anyone with principle enough to not want me to be law.
How I hope (and help bamboozle a few moderates) so I will,
But today I am still just a Stimulus bill.

Boy: Listen to those senator dudes arguing! Is all that truth about pork, largess, and mortgaging my future about you?

Bill: Yeah, I'm one of the lucky ones. Most bills never even get to have a Democratic House, Senate, and Executive. I hope they convince enough losers, otherwise I may die.

Boy: Die?

Bill: Yeah, die in committee. Oooh, but it looks like I'm gonna live! I’ve already been through the evil House of Representatives, and now I get to be voted on by the pent-evil Senate Finance Committee (after they whack this crap Obama can’t sell and that crap Pelosi can’t sell and this crap over here that Reid can’t sell).

Boy: If they vote yes, what happens?

Bill: Then I go to the Senate floor and, with 60 suckers’ votes, I’m law, baby.

Boy: Oh yes!

Bill: Oh Yes We Can!

I'm just a Stimulus bill.
Yes, I'm still a big fat pork barrel bill.
And I if they vote for me on The Messiah’s Capitol Hill.
Well, then I'm off to the Obama White House
Where I'll go straight to the head of the line
Because “stimulus” equals “socialism” to Democrat louses
For the president to sign
And if he signs me, then I'll be a law.
How, I know that chump will,
Since he has many supporters to whom he owes bills.

Boy: You mean even if the insane majority side of Congress says you should be a law, and the reasonable minority says no, the president can still say, Yes We Can!?

Bill: Yes, that's called putting the nation in the ghetto. If the President gives me some love, you and your kids get to pay for the construction of bridges, STD education, and National sod…big, beautiful sod laid down by illegal immigrants. Now that’s what I call a jobs bill!

Boy: That sounds a little fishy, Stimulus. I mean…it doesn’t sound like most of us will really benefit from you, and it sure doesn’t sound like you’ll pull us out of recession. And by the time I have to pay for you, it's very unlikely I’ll have a cent to my name. It's not easy to sit back and let fools make our laws, is it?

Bill: No! But…it really is easy. Here…have a big-screen TV!

How I hope (and schmooze a few moderates) so I will,
But today I am still just a Stimulus bill.

Congressman: The One signed you, Stimulus! Now you're bigger than the rest of us! Welcome to the New Lame Society.

Bill: Oh yes!!! Oh Yes We Can’t!!!

With apologies to Davie Frishberg, Jack Sheldon, and Phil Kimmelman.