My Plans for the Extra $13 a Week I Get from GoFrigYourselfulus

The Congressional Gods have smiled and come to a tentative agreement to merge Porkulus and son of Porkulus into something you can probably call GoFrigYourselfulus.

The highlight? For me? The taxpayer the stimulus is supposed to convince that it’s cool to spend my money again and help get the economy moving back toward the end…I mean black?

I’ll get a whopping extra $13 a week in my paycheck. That’s friggin’ AWESOME, Mr. President, dude! I…am…so...stoked. Why, it makes me just want to go out and ask the president a question in such an excited manner that…like Julio Osegueda (who ALSO gets an extra $13 a week…hot DAMN!)…I, too, get discovered and get a real job (even for a day).

So…in my excitement…and in honor of President b. Hussein and Osegueda, I’d like to spell out what I’m going to do with my stimulus.

1. I’m going to call DirecTV and add the Playboy channel. The channel is only $12.99 a month for the first three months, and it promises fun had by all. But I’m not going to stop there. Since I’ve spent ONLY one-quarter of my monthly stimulus on the channel itself, I’m going to print up leaflets (on used paper, of course) and invite the three “homeless” guys who hang around my office begging for change in their brand-new Nike Zoom Lebron IV shoes (retail value $109) to come by my house every first Wednesday of the month and let them watch the new channel. I’ll move all of the furniture out of the TV room and lay down plastic (so they feel more at home). I also plan to splurge and get them each a fifth of Vladimir vodka, which is pretty much top shelf for homeless guys…if they really are homeless.
2. So now that I’ve spent about $20 of the $52 dear sweet valiant charming worshipful b. Hussein has given me each month…I think I’ll spend a little bit there on the wife. Yeah…instead of letting her hit the Salvation Army Thrift Shop for clothing, and the Peanut Corporation of America for protein (we’ve got to pay for DirecTV somehow…it says so right there in the Constitution that it’s our right to have a million channels or more...your risk of food poisoning be damned!), I’m going to give her a treat: I’ll let her spend $20 a month at Wal-Mart! That’s right, with all the “price-slashing!” that goes on at that awesome place, my baby should be able to pick up an extra pair of drawers for herself, 3 boxes of mac and cheese for the kids, and maybe even a moldy, 99% fat steak for me once in a while. Hey…all the best for my family, man.
3. So that leaves me $12 a month. THANK YOU MR. PRESIDENT. LORD, JESUS, THANK YOU! I’ll be a little more creative with this last gift from God…um…I mean The Messiah. Hmm…let’s see. Oh. I know! Since gas is now as cheap as it was when George W. Bush took office, I think I’ll take up driving again! That’s right, no more leaving for the office at 4 a.m. so I can walk the 30 miles every morning and still make it on time. Why, think of the money I’ll save in shoes! I won’t have to spend $15 every month at the used shoe store for the next pair of Pro-Keds I’ll wear to shreds. I can just fill the tank with good old petro (right up until the time it all runs out because b. Hussein doesn’t want anymore offshore drilling…one must protect the plankton, you see!).
4. Now…for the rest of my stimulus. Oh…wait…that’s all there is. Wow. It’s amazing how fast it takes to spend $52 a month. I guess I’ll be watching my stimulus just like I do my 401k…go down…and down…and down.

Gee. If it takes me about 7 days to spend the extra $52 a month I’m going to get from the stimulus, I wonder how fast it will take the federal government to spend $830 billion (give or take a few billion…what’s a billion anymore, anyway?). What’s that? Most of it won’t be spent until 2010, 2011, and 2012?

Hmm…that’s awfully slow-moving for a supposed “jolt” to the economy, to quote our dear President b. Hussein. My…I wonder who’s really getting the rest of all that money? Is there a greater design?

Maybe this will help me figure it out: