“I unveiled only the tip of the iceberg when I said the Cambridge police acted stupidly and subsequently complained about the history of racial profiling in this country,” Obama said during a press conference in the Blue Room at the White House, Jones standing nearby wearing a Kanye Was Right t-shirt. “With Van Jones as the point man on race relations in the White House, we’ll have white people burning their own neighborhoods out of fear in no time.”
Jones, an avowed communist, whose role models include Marx, Lenin, and Mao, was named Green Jobs czar earlier this year. He now adds the official title of Black Instigation Zealot (BIZ) and will team up with another expert racist, Al “White Folks Was in Caves While We Was Building Empires” Sharpton, who was named vice BIZ czar in a later ceremony.
“White polluters and white environmentalists and Republican assholes, be afraid; be very afraid,” Jones said in remarks that followed the president’s. “We’re going to make the days of ‘Free Mumia’ look tame. Oh, and I got something special for members of the Bush administration for deliberately allowing 9/11 to happen.”
Jones said his department will emphasize the need for stripping away typical white cultural hang-ups across the nation, like cops beating up black people. As such, his first order of business will combine his two roles.
“We’re going to create green jobs by using FEMA detention camps as reeducation classrooms, where all white people will be taught how to act like plants,” he said. Members of ACORN and Organizing for America were dispatched immediately following the press conference to begin the process of hauling white people into reeducation camps already established in every state in the country.
Jones also plans to make a public appearance on Sesame Street, where, sources say, he will call Oscar the Grouch a “dumbass white guy in a puppet suit.” An HBO race education special with Dave Chappelle, called “The Race Pixies Go to Washington,” is also rumored to be in the works.
Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele called the appointment appalling, but no white people spoke out, perhaps in light of Obama’s “fear” comment.
Vice President Joe Biden, always one to offer an opinion, even when no one cares about it, said the appointment was equally as brilliant as spending more money than we have in order to bring down the deficit.
“It’s always good to have two articulate and bright and clean and nice-looking African-American men around,” Biden said.