Wednesday, September 2, 2009

BREAKING! Secret Death Panel Orders Democrats to Take the Blue Pill

WASHINGTON -- Rather than continuing to fund expensive health care for foundering politicians, particularly when the president brags he’s “got a doctor who follows me everywhere,” a secret panel of bureaucrats has ordered Democrats to take the blue pill.

The decision comes as President Barack Obama’s agenda continues to crumble, evidenced by a cap and tax bill going nowhere in the Senate and a contentious health care plan that no longer offers a public option and a plummeting approval rating hovering just barely above 40 percent only 8 months after his inauguration.

This means that Democrats will continue to live in bliss, ignorant of their fractious factions having no idea whatsoever how to be a real party and coalesce under a potential crushing majority and of their predictable ability to self destruct and of their lack of understanding of why millions of Americans are attending Tea Parties, Recess Rallies, and Town Hall meetings in anger, to protest federal insanity not seen since the 1960s.

It will also be as if Obama were never elected: he’ll never know that young people and senior citizens and members of his own base (to quote the enemy, even) think he’s a useless tool who can’t get anything done despite a mesmerizing message during the campaign that now translates into the reality of being “hopeless change."

Members of the “death” panel attributed their decision to the ground-breaking work of Obama’s chief health advisor, Ezekiel Emmanuel, brother of the president’s union thug enforcer, Rahm Emmanuel, according to a report obtained by Feed Your ADHD. The report says: “politicians without any concept of how to handle their duties, and the bureaucrats they appoint, should be sacrificed for the common good, immediately.”

Rather than take the blue pill, Dr. Emmanuel decided, instead, to take his own life, via autoerotic asphyxiation. Others were not so lucky…or, maybe they were.

“Hey…I take the little blue pill all the time, and I’m quite comfortable with the erection lasting longer than 4 hours,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “I just put it to good use out there at the Lincoln Memorial. I’ve found a girl who works out of the back of a PT Cruiser; she knows how to handle such things, and she’s helped me become quite fond of humping Lincoln’s stone leg.”

Reports indicate that Obama went off to Camp David today as a ruse to continue his summer vacation, but in actuality to take his blue pill in the relative torture of a place where Ronald Reagan spent much of his time as president, Obama hopelessly thinking he’d learn something about accomplishing anything at all from America’s last great president. Instead, sources say, Obama found the Ghost of the Gipper was only interested in telling Obama to “take the pill; take the pill. Do us all a favor, and take the pill.”

At the same time, Senate majority leader Harry Reid is said to have stood on the Hoover Dam wondering if he should jump and take his own life or pop his pill and continue his blissful ignorance; unfortunately he finally decided that someone might say his death was “going to help us,” and he took the blue pill.

Interestingly, it is possible that Henry Waxman may have given his blue pill to his illegitimate child, Bat Boy. Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi, the Wicked Witch of Congress, may or may not have taken her pill, but she obviously took something because she was seen this morning flying up and down The Mall on her broom, shouting, “I’ll get you, my pretties. I’ll get you!”



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