Sunday, September 6, 2009

Obama Initiates Cash for Czars Program

WASHINGTON -- In a striking move aimed at both shoring up his failing agenda and hoping to stop his administration from hemorrhaging into the worst since Jimmy Peanut-brained Carter’s, pResident Barack Obama today unveiled a bold new Cash for Czars program.

Van Jones was an environmentally-conscious Communist dedicated to outlandish statements, un-concealable past indiscretions, and irrepressible acts of irresponsibility,” Obama said during an impromptu news conference in the Rose Garden Sunday, attended by only a few remaining media friends, in particular Chris Matthews. “We admit to incredible breaches in our czar evaluation system. As a result, by the executive order I signed this morning, I’ve introduced a plan to weed out czars -- who report to no one but me -- with an incentive program.

“The Cash for Czars program will ask our currently estimated three dozen czars -- hell, I don’t even know how many toes I have at any given moment, so how can I be expected to know how many czars report to me,” Obama asked, looking away from his teleprompter to bask in a moment of infatuation with what’s left of his beloved press, in particular Keith Olbermann, “-- to answer three basic questions. One: 'What... is your name?' Two: 'What... is your quest?' Three: 'What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? '

“He who shall answer these questions three shall be allowed to cross the Bridge of Czars, but, yea, he who shall miss any of these questions three shall be given a lump sum severance package amounting to a half-million dollars or their expected salary over the next 3.4 years, whichever comes out higher.”

However, in tough questioning immediately after his remarks, ABC’s Jake Tapper put the pResident on the spot: “When you say ‘unladen swallow’; what do you mean: African or European?”

Obama slyly deferred to his behind-the-scenes mastermind, Valerie Jarrett, who had hand-picked Jones for Green Jobs czar and fortunately replied: “I…I…I don’t know that.”

And with that, Jarrett was unsuspectingly cast not into the Gorge of Eternal Severance but, amazingly, into the Gorge of Eternal Peril, and Obama subsequently announced an alternative three-point plan for restoring The Republic to its natural order:


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