WASHINGTON -- Amazing reports are coming in from all over the country today indicating that President Barack Obama’s new national health care plan is a fiasco -- but not for any of the reasons conservative protesters had predicted.
Shocking details reveal that a microchip implanted in all Americans receiving national health care, in accordance with text starting on page 1,000 of H.R. 3200, has turned all recipients immediately into conservatives.
“This is the single biggest mistake we could have made,” said John Holdren, Obama’s science czar. “We should have gone with forced abortions and spiked water supplies with chemicals to initiate sterilization in all women, but the president wanted to be more subtle and use the microchips and start weeding out the old and the sick. Now I don’t even think we’ll be able to abduct all of the children, if everyone’s a conservative and owns at least 100 guns, which, I understand, is compulsory for membership. We had dreamed of a nation of controllable Zombiecrats, a new world order, the final solution, but now we face certain defeat in 2012. Another genius move by the Crisismaker in Chief.”
A mandatory requirement for those enrolling in the government’s health care plan, the chips were implanted in most Americans earlier this year after all private insurance companies folded when employers stopped offering health insurance, instead taking a meager government penalty per employee in exchange for striking the expensive benefit from their budgets.
The chips were supposed to turn any American enrolled in the government plan into a raving lunatic who shuffled around, their arms (stiff with rigor mortis) held out before them, their brain shriveling inside their skull, their eyes turning opaque and vacant, their mouth moaning the blessed words, “Obama iz king…Obama iz king.”
Instead what transpired can only be called amazing.
According to Harry Simpleton, Holdren’s chief scientist on the project, it’s a matter of faulty engineering.
“We had a guy at the government-run factory accidentally load the entire text of the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and The Federalist Papers, none of which any Zombiecrat in their right mind has ever read, into the chips and… POOF! … everyone who got one is now an intelligent, limited-government, fiscally responsible conservative,” Simpleton said. “It’s the most amazing feat of social engineering I’ve ever seen.”
White House spokesman Robert “Ahhh” Gibbs said, that while the microchip program can be considered a huge failure, at least the accusations of conservative protesters from the summer of 2009 didn’t turn out to be true.
“Obviously, there is no addition to the national debt, there are no death panels, there is no government mind control, and there is no blue pill,” he said, in his customary mocking tone. “There’s also no longer a Democratic Party, but…well…ahhh…next question!”