Sunday, November 30, 2008

French President Cries Foul Over Obama Voodoo Dolls

French President Nicholas Sarkozy has lost his petition to block the sale of voodoo dolls.

“They look too much like U.S. President-elect Barrack Obama,” Thierry Herzog, a lawyer for Sarkozy, told reporters on Saturday. “Nothing against Obama, but we expect a little more from our satire here in France. They can wave a white flag over there in America all they want, but a voodoo doll of President Sarkozy should have a bit more classe, oui?”

On Friday, a Paris court rejected Sarkozy’s appeal to block the sale of the dolls, ruling the maker can continue to sell the dolls as long as they come with a warning that sticking pins in the toy is an affront to the dignity of all Frenchmen. The dolls most also come with a white flag, the court said.

About 20,000 dolls were originally produced by Japanese K&B Publishers and sold within a day of the hearing. K&B has sold similar “voodoo kits” in mockery of U.S. President George W. Bush and Senator Hillary Clinton. Neither sued. (They’re used to such treatment.)

Herzog said Sarkozy may take the fight to an economic level, proposing a law to banish K&B’s products to beyond French borders. “Let the free marketeers put up with them,” she said.

“That’s fine. We’ll start selling Obama dolls in the U.S. that look like Sarkozy. That ought to get him even more pissed,” a K&B spokesman said.

Voodoo high priest Togbui Gnagblondjro III called the affair an abomination. "This is an affront to my beliefs. Voodoo does no harm. It protects you if you are honest and sincere. It hates treason and lies. I consider this to be both."

In retaliation, he was said to be using computer climate voodoo models to stir up more global warming hysteria for both the U.S. and France.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

What's Wrong With Shoppers?

If you opened this and expected to find satire, I apologize. I don’t have the heart for it today.

I remember as a kid hearing about a Who concert in Cincinnati, in which 11 people were trampled to death as the doors to the hall were opened. I was appalled: What would compel people to run over top of other people? It was just a concert! Not a fire. Not a shooting in a crowded place. No one was trying to get away. They wanted to get IN!

I’m a little more cynical today but no less appalled to hear that 2,000 people bum rushed a worker at a Long Island, NY, Wal-mart on Black Friday, so they could be the first to get a good deal…on a new TV or an X-box they probably didn’t need anyway…and no doubt add to revolving debt they’ll never pay back.

If you haven’t heard (and who the hell hasn’t by now?), Jdimytai Damour, a 34-year-old part-time holiday temp, was crushed in the onslaught and pronounced dead an hour later. Police are looking for those responsible.

Accounts of the incident were incredible.
Witness Kimberly Cribbs said all those people who got in went right on shopping after the worker was run over.

"Oh yes, they're savages," Cribbs said.
Then there was this madness outside a Toys "R" Us.

I don’t know what this all says about people in this country. I don’t know if it’s an indictment of who we are, of our priorities, of how far we’ve fallen into narcism and contempt for human life, of how much our moral fabric is in need of bailing out.

Whatever it says, it isn't good.

I wish I was just making this one up.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Rosie Puts up Real Stinker; NBC Boots Her to the Curb

In unprecedented swift action, NBC dropped Rosie O’Donnell’s new variety show after only one night.

“There are a lot of things to be thankful for today, and one of them is that NBC viewers won’t have to look at Rosie anymore,” Jeff Zucker, president and CEO of NBC Universal, said Thursday while preparing for a Thanksgiving feast of tofu, bean sprouts, and salmon spaghetti carbonara.

Zucker hinted he was considering asking President George W. Bush if it was legal to incarcerate O’Donnell in Gitmo on charges of terrorizing an audience.

Only 5 million viewers turned out to watch “Rosie Live” flop miserably. For her part, O’Donnell agreed. “It was terrible,” she wrote in an email. “I’m heading back into exile to rethink my career. I don’t suppose anyone wants to do a sequel to ‘The Flintstones.’ Hey, Hollywood! I’ll work for food!”

Segments on the show included Kathy Griffin impersonating Nancy Grace, Alec Baldwin hitting Conan O'Brian with a pie, O'Donnell singing "City Lights" with Liza Minnelli, and Jane Krakowski doing a product-placement-themed striptease for White Castle burgers and Crest Whitestrips.

The silence after each skit was deafening. Many in the audience threw up following the striptease. “I’ve seen hookers do better stripping at our local truck stop in Holland, Ohio,” said Joe the Plumber, invited by O’Donnell to represent middle class America in her audience.

The remarkably fast cancellation is unusual for NBC, which has allowed a flatlined “ER” to survive on life support for more than a decade. Right-to-die activists have been picketing outside NBC offices for about as long.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Franken Vows to Leave the Country

Disgusted with an elections process that won’t allow him to steal enough votes to win, (not so funny) comedian Al Franken (D) vowed today to leave the country as soon as possible.

“Damn. I really thought those crackpots on the Board of Canvassers were going to let me win this thing, but they apparently believe in fair elections up here,” Franken said, flapping his ample lips. “This is ridiculous. If a man can’t steal an election, how can we say there is liberty and freedom to pursue happiness in this country? I’m going to leave this friggin’ place. It’s not socialist enough yet. I’ll go live with Sean Penn…or maybe Alec Baldwin. He’s funnier than I am.”

Franken made his statement after the Minnesota Board of Canvassers unanimously rejected his request to count 12,000 absentee ballots in a recount of the state’s hotly contested Senate race.

At the start of the recount Franken trailed Sen. Norm Coleman (R-Minn.) by 215 votes, of the 2.9 million ballots cast. Officials have recounted about 80 percent of the ballots, and Coleman maintains a slim lead.

The two campaigns are challenging about 3,600 votes, including 500 for Prince, 427 for former Minnesota governor Jesse “The Body” Ventura, and another 427 for Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson.

“Clearly those voters intended to vote for me,” Franken said. “None of those guys is a Republican, anyway. You know everybody loves me here. Just look at me: I have an electable face!”

Franken has fallen on hard times since the progressive Air America radio network failed to win advertisers and had to go underground (like your humble narrator) to the Internet. Most recently he was selling shoes at a discount store in Minneapolis at the Mall of America under the name of Al Bundy.

Baldwin could not be reached for comment. He and Penn were attending a charity event at a terrorist training camp in Pakistan.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Oil Plummets; OPEC Leaders Off Themselves

All voting members of the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) committed suicide today amid plummeting oil prices.

Oil dropped below $51 a barrel due to falling demand, the backlash of most Americans parking their SUVs and, en mass, hitching up horse and buggy in protest four months ago when oil peaked at $147 a barrel.

Most notable among the deceased were chief United States enemies Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, president (not so much anymore) of Iran, and Venezuelan Dictator for (His Shortened) Life Hugo Chavez. Chavez reportedly sold all shares of the Venezuelan-owned gasoline company Citgo prior to snorting himself to death, leaving all earnings to his cabana boy, known only as Fidel.

“The world is mine!” Chavez reportedly said, before burying his head in a pile of cocaine on his desk and expiring.

Prior to his own demise, Ahmadinejad is said to have wanted to kill himself because the sharp drop in profits his country previously reaped, by raping oil-guzzling nations like the U.S., left Iran with no money to buy plutonium from Russia, thereby ending Ahmadinejad’s nuclear dream of turning Israel into a landing strip for his private fleet of G-5 airplanes.

Sources say Ahmadinejad chopped his own head off.

To fill the power vacuum left by the demise of OPEC, analysts say Halliburton, Vice President Dick Cheney’s former company, will likely muscle in for control of oil reserves in all OPEC nations. Cheney, meanwhile, is still fighting his own battles, having been indicted for misdemeanor assaults.

President George W. Bush proclaimed the situation a victory for the U.S. “I, uh, well, I’m happy for the U.S. It’s a great day when you get to pay $1.68 for a gallon of gas and Dick’s buddies get to own the world. Oh…dang. Did I say that on camera? Hey, now….move along. Nothing to see here. How long until we’re done with this job?”


Monday, November 24, 2008

Monica to SerVICE the Country

In the spirit of change and a new beginning for Washington, D.C., the Office of the President Elect today announced that former White House intern Monica Lewinsky has accepted the nomination to a new cabinet position in the Obama administration.

Barring Senate confirmation, Lewinsky will be nominated to the post of Secretary of Internal and External Affairs. An official news conference has been scheduled for Tuesday morning at the Washington Press Office. It’s said Lewinsky will be wearing a new fashion from Mugato: Stained Blue Dress.

Lewinksy was made famous during Interngate, the scandal that nearly brought down former president Bill Clinton. Clinton’s famous public remark, “No, I did not have sex with that woman…Miss Lewinsky,” transformed over the months and years and decades of the Richard Mellon Scaife-funded investigation by special prosecutor Kenneth Starr into, “Yeah, I had her, right there in the Oval Office with Arafat waiting in the Rose Garden. She liked cigars too…but she didn’t smoke ‘em.”

The scandal prompted the incoming Bush administration to fumigate the Oval Office in 2001. A similar undertaking has been scheduled for January 2009, prior to the arrival of the new administration, to rid the entire building of cockroaches.

Reactions to Lewinsky’s appointment were mixed.

“It is downright disgusting,” conservative mogul Rush Limbaugh said today on his galactically broadcast radio program to 57 million listeners who voted for John McCain. “The American people have been bamboozled, I tell you. They just don’t listen anymore to the Rushie, the Mahatma, the Soothsayer of Conservatism, the…oh, hell…SOMEBODY get me a painkiller! This is going to send me spiraling back down into drug addiction!”

John Podesta, former chief of staff under Clinton and head of Obama’s transition team, meanwhile, called it a bold move for the incoming president. “Change was served today with this appointment. And hope. We think Miss Lewinsky is just the woman to handle all affairs, both internal and external, as she has vast experience in this area, even beyond her time as an intern. Besides, I never had a chance with that hound dog Bill around to…you know…see what she can do in a federal office.”

Lewinsky’s appoint follows a long convoy of former Clinton staffers, friends, business partners, family members, lost neighbors, pets, and other carrion back from exile into Washington. In recent days, the Obama administration has staffed about 90 percent of its cabinet posts with former Clinton people, including the former first lady.

Senator Hillary Clinton, who accepted the post of Secretary of State on Friday, was said to be “very interested” in working with Lewinsky. A Clinton insider, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said Mrs. Clinton is very excited at the chance to work with Lewinsky. The two have “a lot in common,” the official said, adding that “the senator believes she can learn a lot from someone like Miss Lewinsky.”

[Cue Frank Zappa: “With a tongue like a cow she could make you go, WOW!”]

He said that former Clinton officials Vincent Foster and Ron Brown were also being considered for positions in the new administration, although President-elect Barrack Obama has specifically told Brown he needs to do something about the suspicious hole in his head.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Luca Brasi Sleeps with the “Sea Kittens”

If you’re going to start a movement to change the name of what’s for dinner, you might want to pick something with a bit more ambiance than “sea kittens.”

“Luca Brasi sleeps with the sea kittens” just doesn’t…ahem…hold as much water as does the classic line from my all-time favorite movie, The Godfather.

I mean, I understand why PETA wants us to stop eating fish and all. They believe an international “movement” to change the name of fish to sea kittens will endear us so much to the little slippery creatures that we’ll eat something, oh, more vegetarian. (Um, PETA freaks, do you realize that fresh water fish don’t live in the friggin’ sea?)

But…hey, now…plants have rights, too!

I think PETA’s movement to save the sea kittens has about as much chance of succeeding as Osama Bin Laden’s quest to have a bowel movement in any place other than a cave. (Well, I may be wrong about that, since he probably figures to get invited to the White House for a rap and a crap with King-elect Showbama to discuss an amenable end to worldwide terrorism and American imperialism).

Think about it. Not only would it be pretty dumb to call a fresh-water trout a sea kitten, but, hey, you’re giving fluffy little kittens a bad name. Why, if we call fish sea kittens, surely we have to start calling kittens “cattens,” or something similarly stupid – if for nothing else to avoid confusing our poor kids.

It’s just a corny idea by a corny group whose only good contribution to mankind has been public displays of naked hotties in cages and showers. I always enjoy a free show that doesn’t download malware to my computer, anyway.

I have an idea. When King-elect Showbama sits down with Bin Laden, he should use his serpentine tongue to convince Bin Laden to redirect his creative efforts toward ridding the world of PETA members.

Now that's a movement I could get behind.
Eat a Vegetarian

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Palin Talks Turkey

I swear Sarah Palin gets more face time with the media these days than does King-elect Showbama.

Call it her post-election tour to keep herself in the minds of would-be 2012 voters.

My only suggestion to Palin is that she pick more voter friendly settings for her chats. While being interviewed in your home state in a rural setting is classic Americana, it's a pretty queer thing to watch a former candidate for vice president talk turkey while someone cuts the heads off turkeys behind her.

She was there to pardon a turkey for Thanksgiving, but still...what the hell?


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Milk Industry Moos for Bailout

The head of the milk industry today petitioned Congress to include the failing milk industry in the sweeping $700 billion financial industry bailout.

Testifying before the House Financial Services Committee, Rick Smith, president and chief executive officer of the Dairy Farmers of America, the largest dairy marketing cooperative, said: “Americans depend on good milk, and we just can’t give it to them in today’s marketplace. We need this bailout as a stopgap to tide us over until the economy strengthens next year or in 2010.”

Dairy farmers have long complained that high costs of pasteurization and shipping have stymied their market. In addition, Chinese milk producers have recently flooded the U.S. with cheap milk, and people are buying it despite recent reports of contamination by leftover tiger and toy parts.

Japanese milk conglomerates have also gotten in on the free market. Taking a page from Toyota and Nissan in the auto industry, they have produced quality milk with more luxury amenities Americans want, like candy-cane-striped coloring, mini-TV screens on containers, and free mp3s downloadable from their websites – all for less than the cost of a gallon of U.S.-produced milk.

On top of it all, the cost of pasteurization is outracing deflation when just a few months ago the average consumer was battling rising inflation, and labor is now entrenched because of corporate givebacks, Smith testified.

“Union cows are afforded the protections of more lavish benefits than ever before. They work 20-hour work weeks, laze around the rest of the time in sun-drenched fields chewing on their own puke, and the union will no longer let us shove our arms up their behinds to artificially inseminate them to increase output by mass-producing a workforce. And let’s not even talk about retirement earnings, like grazing privileges on failed golf courses. We’re absolutely castrated!”

Smith also told committee members that federal regulations to curb greenhouse gas emissions, enacted during the Clinton administration, have put the DFA’s more then 18,000 dairy farmer-owners in 48 states on the brink of bankruptcy.

“We know that methane gas is a serious contributor to global warming, but just how are you supposed to feel comfortable producing milk when you have a suction pipe attached to your ass all day long,” Smith asked the committee. The cost, meanwhile, of mandatory conversion of the gas into additives for candy bars, plastics, grain products, and Chinese food is “absolutely gutting us,” he added.

Richard D. Holland, president of the United Milk Workers of America, scoffed at the DFA’s claims of imminent bankruptcy.

“They’re crying over spilled milk! Their cows are the best in the world, and that’s solely because they are union members of the brotherhood of the UMWA. We will give back nothing. NOTHING! Our workers deserve our steadfastness.

“Why, if the DFA had their way, they’d be siphoning slop from the udders of any old field cow, dumping it into unwashed used containers, and selling it on the shelves of American Wal-Marts just to make a profit. Those greedy bastards!”


Cheney's "Misdemeanor Assaults"

Vice President Dick Cheney has been indicted on state charges involving federal prisons.

Cheney is charged with engaging in organized criminal activity related to investments in the Vanguard Group, which holds financial interests in the private prison companies running the federal detention centers. He is accused of a conflict of interest and "at least misdemeanor assaults" on detainees because of his link to the prison companies.

Reliable sources say Cheney has used the prisons to hide during the September 11 crisis and, most recently, the weeks preceding this past general election. His code name during these mock incarcerations was “Big Chief No. 2.” I’m told Cheney gravitated toward the basements, where he dressed in women’s clothing and tried to hang out with the queens.

The “assaults” in the indictment are linked to unwanted advances on a heterosexual gang leader named Paco. It is believed his conflict of interest is related to repeated offers to pay Paco for relations. When Paco refused, Cheney had him reassigned to Gitmo as a political detainee.

No word on whether President George W. Bush attended these sessions. Larry Craig, however, is said to have been lurking in at least one prison bathroom during the time of Cheney’s most recent visit.

Monday, November 17, 2008

“Office of the President Elect”

King-elect Showbama won’t even wait until he gets his jewel-encrusted crown in January to start spinning lies. He’s now set the record for the earliest administrative yarns in history. And he doesn’t even have an administration to order around yet.

Let me count the ways. Already, he’s falsely calling himself “president-elect.” While elected to be the next president, true, he isn’t really “president-elect” until the Electoral College meets December 15 and formally votes to honor the voters' intent back on November 4. It says so right here in the Constitution. You know, that little document that seems to have about as much value these days as used bathroom tissue.

(Now on the matter of my already calling him “King-elect,” I shall invoke my right of literary privilege. After all, Showbama earned the title outright the night he accepted the voters’ will and declared himself Kwisatz Haderach of our desert planet.)

Yes, in true presidential form, he’s already making it up as he goes along. Also in true presidential form, he’s already breaking the law, using a fake presidential seal to spin to his followers and illegally registering a government website. have to wonder when he’ll break out the swastikas and jack boots….

BUT…the bigger faux pas, and a more telling glimpse of King Showbama's character, was his standing at a podium for his first transitional press conference and then broadcasting the first weekly “president-elect” address…on YouTube…under the fictitious title of “Office of the President-elect.” (It says so right there in the upper left corner of Showbama’s website.)

Yes, I know: We need to give his royal highness a chance to take a seat behind the desk in the Oval Office before we start comparing his mistakes with the colossal screw ups of The Decider and his predecessors.

But the fact is a man who was just elected President of the United States should be smart enough to know such an office does not exist, and smarter yet not to go around on the Internet portraying himself as head of said fake office to millions. Unless he intends to be outright false.

Could this be yet another example of his “high IQ”?

A man’s words, and actions, give insight to his intent.

For instance:
  • His statements about creating a gestapo, I mean, civilian police force: “We cannot continue to rely only on our military in order to achieve the national security objectives that we’ve set. We’ve got to have a civilian national security force that’s just as powerful, just as strong, just as well funded.”
  • His statements about playing Robin Hood and stealing from the rich and giving to the poor: “Obama will ask the wealthiest 2% of families to give back a portion of the tax cuts they have received over the past eight years to ensure we are restoring fairness and returning to fiscal responsibility.”
  • His statements about bankrupting the coal industry (which happens to power many of the plants that deliver you that minor little importance called electricity). “So if somebody wants to build a coal-powered plant, they can; it's just that it will bankrupt them because they're going to be charged a huge sum for all that greenhouse gas that's being emitted.”
  • His statements about pulling our troops out of Iraq so fast they won’t have a chance to hear the Evil Doers firing their AK-47s in the air in celebration of gross American cowardice. "Let me be clear: There is no military solution in Iraq. There never was. The best way to protect our security and to pressure Iraq's leaders to resolve their civil war is to immediately begin to remove our combat troops. Not in six months or one year – now."
Yes, “today we begin in earnest the work of making damned sure this country falls down, hard, never to recover, so that the world we leave our children is just a little bit scarier than the one we inhabit today.”

Hell, I shouldn’t even be making up quotes for King Showbama. He’s already done such a good job of making outrageous statements and actions on his own.

Really, you can’t make crap like this up.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Supreme Court Upholds Bill of Rights!

Without freedom, there can be no liberty. And without the Supreme Court, there can be no law. Now the pursuit of happiness is another story.


Thursday, November 13, 2008

Holy Shiite! Where’s Mahmoud?

Mahmoud Ahneedarealjob, now my favorite terrorist president (alas, I’m on the outs with Dubya, since he has only 10 weeks left in power), has been remarkably quiet since sending King-elect Showbama a congratulatory letter following last week’s historic election.

(I’ve obtained a copy and, in honor of national security, have decided not to publish the letter in its entirety. I will, however, share this tender moment, since I very much want Ahneedarealjob to overcome his public perception of being a third world maniacal idiot:
“Secretly, I want to have your love child and bring our two houses together, as I know in my very oh so huge heart that you do not believe in the Holocaust, either. Praise Allah, comrade!”)
It is true that Ahneedarealjob did come out (dressed as a dominatrix) in public this week to criticize America for being the beast that she is (you dirty, dirty beast, you…WHACK!):
“The Iranian nation defends its sand…and…well…its sand. Should any power stand against the Iranian nation, the Iranian people will crush it with its stinking breath and will further kiss it on the mouth…and I’ll be the first in line. Iran is the most powerful nation in the world, and when we obtain nuclear power…um…the people will settle down amid our air conditioned homes and enjoy the fine aroma of scented camel farts, because, as you know, our goal is to cool our homes through nuclear power, not build weapons. We leave that to the Infidel Invaders. Those dirty pig eaters.”
But I have it on good authority that a double was really speaking in Ahneedarealjob’s stead (in honor of his hero, Adolf Hitler, who had an appetite for body doubles…and smelly shoes). In fact, I’m told that the actual Ahneedarealjob was seen as recently as yesterday at a bar in Moscow with Russian dictator for life (in secret!) Vladimir Putin, along with a male dancer. A reliable source has informed me the tryst’s topic of discussion was manly missiles. (It’s a popular subject, in fact, on Ahneedarealjob’s own blog.)

Which is really quite appropriate. On Wednesday (while Ahneedarealjob was enjoying his Moscow tryst), Iran tested a long-range missile capable of reaching southern Europe. The missile reportedly contained enough goat dung to wipe out an entire cup of authentic Italian cappuccino. Marone!

This test, of course, has nothing to do with Iran’s alleged pursuit of nuclear weapons. As many of you know, Iran does not need to build a nuclear arsenal. If he wanted to, Ahneedarealjob can already reach Israel and knock out a cell phone tower, or maybe a Zionist news stand.

When told of the missile test, King-elect Showbama grinned madly, like he’d just won an election in which he had no prayer a year ago.

“The time for change in America has come. I have brought great hope to the air. I am the light, the Son of Man, the giver of life, the rock of Gibraltar, the Kwisatz Haderach. I will make it a top priority to sit down, face-to-face, and talk with President Ahneedarealjob. We will come to a great understanding about the human condition and our role together in new beginnings and have tea, lamb, and humus in the White House, for the future of both of our countries,” he said, still grinning madly.

“Thank you, Sarah Palin. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!” he added, grinning still. (In fact, Washington insiders tell me he no longer has any other facial expression.)

Analysts, of course, warn that Obama risks falling under Ahneedarealjob’s love spell if he writes “XOXOXO” back to him. I still don’t have a pulse on how the notoriously homophobic Iranian citizenry feel about Ahneedarealjob’s wanting to have Showbama’s love child.

But I do wonder where’s the fun in the Obamas having the Ahneedarealjobs over to the White House for tea, lamb, and humus to discuss the advance of radical Islam and middle class welfare in America. That sounds pretty damned-well boring. I’ll have to go watch NASCAR, or golf, on DirecTV when that happening occurs.

Admit it, hate him or hate him more, it’s been interesting listening to Dubya speak (well, try to) of preemptive strikes up the anus of the Axis of Evil whenever one of Ahneedarealjob’s relatives passed gas and set off our strategic missile defense system. Oh, how we’ll all miss the neocon doctrine, however misunderstood.

These are extraordinary times. And extraordinary times call for flamboyantly hoodwhinking men. And we’ve got ‘em.

I shudder to think we’re actually going to be friends with the dictator Dubya really should have gone after and chased into a rat hole in the desert.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Talk Is Cheap

Keep on talking, Showbama. Keep on talking.

State of the Nation


Help This Virgin Now!

Even crotchety old me has to feel a pang of pity for this poor sap:
"Well guys, here's the deal: I'm 25 years old and still a virgin. Yes, I know, it's pretty weird... I've always been a shy guy, and as time passed I just got too old. To be honest, I'm not quite happy about this, as one would figure.

Actually, I almost lost it once. I had a girlfriend when I was 23. But in the end pretty much nothing happened - she left me for a guy that had more money than I did. I don't think I'm ugly looking, I'm just not good with this kind of stuff. And since then I also have a trauma of sorts."
Give him a few hits so he can get it over with. Help a virgin.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Showbama's Tax "Cut" Exposed

Why call it a tax “cut,” when your plan is to just dial back the tax law 9 years?

Why, spin, of course. Truth is negligible to a presidential candidate, and downright blasphemy to a president (slash president-elect).

Are you getting a tax cut, or are you having your taxable levels restored to the year 2000? Question of logic: If your tax level was higher in 2000 and you make more money now (or the same amount, as is probably common these days), will you see a tax “cut” or a tax “raise”?

(Hint, the answer isn’t going to make the average “middle class” family very happy.)

That’s progress for you (and that’s why a Democrat telling the average American he’s going to get a “tax cut” is like a Republican telling a poor family their vote is equivalent to winning the lottery). How much “hope and change” comes with going back to something that was screwed up back when you were still not good enough to win state elections (and the sitting Democrat president thought you were a punk)?

Gee…I wonder how much debate we’ll have about the great King Showbama’s IQ now?

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Your Friendly Neighborhood Gov’t ShakeDOWN

If Death and Taxes are avoidable in this life, then I’m a Democrat who voted for King Showbama. I think my record on this subject is pretty clear.

Oh, I’m gonna die, of that I have no doubt…unless my wife wants to pay for cryogenic freezing, but first I’d have to move to Freakifornia. And I refuse even to step foot in Freakifornia.

When I go, it’s the dirt nap for me, or the fishes, depending on who gets to me first.

So that leaves taxes. Do I have to pay? The 16th Amendment says so…or does it? This is an old argument, but it’s always worth bringing up when a tax hike is looming for any American, even those making more money than a porn star impersonating Sarah Palin [NOTE: The link is NOT adult content.]

A few years back Brian Doherty, of Reason magazine, wrote Five Reasons You Don't Owe Income Tax, Dammit! My summary of his gloss on the tax-honesty movement boils down to this:
  1. Our tax system is voluntary, as defined by several documents by the IRS itself and backed up by the Supreme Court of Florida.
  2. The U.S. Supreme Court (in 1916) declared the 16th Amendment does not provide the power to tax income. It does, however, provide the power to tax gains (as in corporate gains).
  3. Income is wages earned…that is, your agreement to trade your labor and your time in exchange for cash…again…defined by the U.S. Supreme Court. Labor in exchange for money is not corporate gain.
  4. Nowhere in the IRS tax code are the following terms clearly defined: “state, United States, employee, and person.” Now…we all know the government is absolutely clear about all things, especially those pertaining to freedom (or the illusion thereof).
  5. “According to the tax-honesty reading of U.S. Code 26, Section 861, only income from foreigners or from overseas activity appears to actually be subject to the income tax.” Hmm. How many illegal wage earners in this country don’t pay income taxes?
So… is it possible (just possible, mind you) that your government has been lying to you for 95 years? That’s absurd! They would never lie to us. About anything. I mean, our elected leaders and their political appointees don’t go around scaring people into doing things they don’t want to do, such as…oh…I don’t know…embroil the nation in war in the defense of tyranny a few oceans from your home…more than once?

Why, then, do we pay our taxes anyway? It can’t be out of civic duty or Oliver Wendell Holmes’ desire for paved roads leading to his favorite Lincoln dealer (were he alive today): "I like to pay taxes. With them I buy civilization."

We pay them out of fear, fear of the IRS, or, more appropriately, their Criminal Investigation Division. They can seize your assets, make wild accusations that destroy your personal and professional life, and give you an enema the size of Florida (with spikes!).

And you don’t even get a kiss.

What was it that Kissinger said? Oh…now I remember: “He who controls the money controls the world.”

You can admit it: If you suddenly understood that you didn’t have to pay taxes, unless you wanted to -- and that the IRS has never provided anyone with a clear, concise document, in English, explaining why it is that you have to give up your earnings (to pay off the national debt to the Federal Reserve, btw, not buy more war planes) -- you’d tell the IRS to take a nice leap into shark infested waters. And, if for some reason, out of the goodness of your heart, you’d pay taxes anyway, I have some valuable stock in Chernobyl nuclear reactors I’d like to sell you.

In these next few months King Showbama will have the Legislative and Executive branches of government under his thumb and a vast mandate from the American sheeple to maneuver to shore up the economy quickly…and create his tax storm, conveniently giving the middle class a cut in taxes the IRS can't really prove (without the use of force) you have to pay in the first place.

He’ll also have Dubya’s government stock in the nation’s banks and the vast powers of the Patriot Act to do whatever he damn well pleases.

Before he does anything, maybe he should watch this film by Aaron Russo (rest in peace), best known for making Trading Places:


Saturday, November 8, 2008

Blogging in the ADHD Era

Honoring my intent, I’m open to discussing all things stupid.

So I’m going to get away from prattling on about King Showbama and (to a lesser extent) his evil counterpart, the eunuch, McLame, at least for the next 5 minutes.

I’m told by a fellow blogger (a PAID blogger, I will admit) that my posts are far too long for this medium. My “wit” (I thought it was bile!) is buried in my bullshit. My use of repetition, hyperbole, and overly dramatic writing (techniques that date back to the earliest form of story…um…The Bible) are too-old school for this new, frantic medium.

My use of naming conventions (loud, overblown, capitalization of common words such as, oh, I don’t know, King ShowBAMA!) is…distracting. (My, how I’m going to enjoy gushing forth that name for the next 4 years.)

My windiness overwhelms you.

You, the reader, don’t have enough patience to wait for the point. You’re distracted. You have ADHD. You’re dumb. Or so this line of thinking follows to its logical conclusion.

This whole short and sweet rule prevailing despite the relative breeziness of some popular blogs (maybe they’ve earned the right to blather on and on?):

But, you know, I’m too long. (And I thought the point of a blog was having something to say…even if you have too MUCH to say!)

So, I would like to announce to my followers (all three of you…it says so right there in the right-nav beside us) that I will from this day forth write only one-word posts.

Here are the first three:

Really, though, I'm just kidding....I don't think readers are dumb. Come back for more bile and mockery soon.

Thanks for reading!

Short Post #3


Short Post #2


Short Post #1


Thursday, November 6, 2008

The Eunuch and Tina Fey

I want to know how you run a presidential campaign with “factions” and “divisions” between nominee and running mate. Do you feign simpatico relations with the other, only to bitch and moan behind closed doors about one another and spread whatever message you feel, instead of one consistent, powerful voice?

Is the race for the presidency now a friggin’ playground?

The disconnect between John McLame and Sarah Palin running up through Tuesday’s election calls to mind something that might occur in high school. The quarterback is the captain of the football team, but the running back is the star everyone comes to cheer. (I can’t help but distract you: I LOVE this show….) They speak but only to say a sarcastic “hello” as they pass in the training room, or on the practice field, or as one leaves the prettiest cheerleader’s bedroom while the other walks in.

(Speaking of popular women, is it just me, or is a fashion trend at hand? Are women starting to look like Sarah Palin? Same cut of power suit, same wire-rimmed glasses, same bird's nest hair style? I saw one tonight in a bar and turned to a nearby acquaintance and asked, “Does she look like…?” Before I could finish, he said, “Sarah Palin?” I, of course, had to do one better, and, recovering, shook my head. “No, no….I was thinking of Tina Fey.” (Alas, those skits are over.) But…you've noticed this sort of thing, too, right?)

To think that Palin and McCain were “in only infrequent contact” right up to the moment they walked into the night desert air in Phoenix on Tuesday to tell the world what we already knew – “Fuck it, we lost” – is like saying that Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston only pretended to kick each other’s ass on occasion. The reality of it is dumbfounding.

How can a man, supposedly the CEO of his own campaign, be only slightly aware of such infighting, powerless to do anything about it? How could McCain expect to run a country when he couldn’t even control his running mate? Did Palin and her folksy manner and initial popularity cause him angst because he was about as folksy and charming as Dr. Evil? Did he feel that if he put her in her place when her popularity started to wane that he’d be exposed as sexist? Does a presidential candidate who can’t control his employees deserve to win?

I think back on McCain’s concession speech the other night, how he held up his hands when his supporters booed the very mention of the name “Barrack Obama” or the subject of concession, the way he shushed the crowd like some grandmother, the way (admittedly, defeated and probably wanting to finish the speech so he could lock himself in a room somewhere and cry himself to sleep) he was overly impatient with people who, not yet ready to admit defeat, had gathered for him -- the last hope against a triumvirate of Democratic power in Washington -- and think: “This man is a eunuch.”

I’ve been of voting age in this country for 20 years. I’ve seen the Shrimp, the Wimp, Slick Willie, Bob “Bob Dole” Dole (the man has NO nickname), Al Whore, The Idiot President, John “Swiftboat” Kerry, McLame, and now King Showbama. I have to be honest: Not one of them deserved my vote.

If we’ve learned anything during the past 16 years, suffering through two presidents who were first immensely popular then terribly unpopular, these last 2 years leaving us to choose from candidates who few people in this country truly felt “good” about, it should be this:

In 2012, when you’re starting to form your choice for president, ask yourself, “Am I my brother’s keeper? Or am I willing to pursue real hope and change?”

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

All Hail King Showbama

So it is done. He spoke eloquently and emphatically about hope and change for 21 months, and people listened. They do that, you know, particularly when a good shepherd leads the way.

Yes, the American sheeple have spoken, and quite clearly. Prince Showbama is now King-elect Showbama. I mean it. This has really happened. The promise of America has been fulfilled.

As we started rolling out the red carpet Tuesday on ALL the TV stations that could tune in (the anchors licking their chops as Electoral College numbers for The Star Candidate crept higher and higher), there was Jesse Jackson (who ran for and lost the 1988 Democratic nomination for president), crying in the audience in Chicago’s Grant Park. Were they tears for Martin Luther King, Jr., the teacher Jesse claims died in his arms? Were they for how far we’ve come since Jackie Robinson and Selma, Alabama, and Brown v. Board of Education and the 1964 Civil Rights Act? Were they for Jesse himself, who very much wanted to be the first black president (so long as he could keep accusing white people of inherently being racist)? There was John McLame, the kind, timid, clueless old man who, in the end, proved to be far less than the Fearless Leader he tried to evoke on the campaign trail, gracious in defeat before his supporters in Phoenix, his eyes bleary, tired, and red. Had he been crying, too? For lost opportunity? For a contest in which he never had a chance? (He had no convincing “hope and change” pitch, you see.) There were the interviews with Showbama supporters in Grant Park, awaiting an appearance of the King-elect, talking about “just wanting to be here to witness change.” Because, you know, hope and change, hope and change, hope and change (I’m sorry, did I lose my train of thought?) is what this election was all about. There was the diminutive George Stephanopoulous blathering on like the idiot he is (I mean, c’mon, he was X-42’s water boy!) about “seeing” in Showbama’s eyes “what he is about to accept”…when any self-respecting psychologist, psychiatrist, or writer worth their salt knows the eyes tell you NOTHING about what goes on in the human psyche or soul.

Yes, King Showbama will be the 44th president (despite U.S. Rep. John Murtha’s “racist’ constituency in Southwestern Pennsylvania, one of the early states to swing for the Democratic nominee -- an early telling sign that this election was heading King Showbama’s way).

In fact, if you weren’t a Democrat, you knew the election had to go Showbama’s way. After all, we had witnessed incredible failures in 2000 and 2004 to wrest the country from an illiterate (and now, obviously, irrelevant) Republican who thought the board game Risk had unilateral, and clear and present, implications in foreign desert nations. The timing was right (I have mentioned this before) for a pied piper to come along.

And so now we come to it. My, how King Showbama has his work cut out for him. The economy has tanked. We are at war in two nations (and perhaps soon others). We have racial divides as evident as they were in 1964, despite the “hope and change” of this election, in communities that are white or black or Mexican or Cuban or Muslim or Asian (just be white, and spend a little time in them alone). America is down. America is troubled. America is disturbed, confused, and tired. (Even illegal Mexicans are fleeing; there’s no work, you see.) We’re faced with increased taxes. (Showbama still isn't sure he likes the middle class, and don’t believe that his proposed tax hike applies ONLY to those making “$250,000 or more.”) Health insurance is failing, and you’ll be paying more for it (with less money to put clothes on your back and big-screen TVs in your living room and gas in your SUV) if national healthcare sees the light of day. Heck, you might not even have electricity anymore, if Showbama has his way and regulates coal-powered power plants out of business (now, there’s a stroke of brilliance). All the while, America is still confronted with an aging population (who, thanks to modern medicine, will live longer, with more chronic and expensive diseases, and forget more than any of us will ever know). And don’t forget that your youth is confused. (Should we play Wii, Xbox 360, PS3? Should we light our farts on fire and record it for youtube? There are just too many choices! It's, like, so confusing!)

Did I mention that our enemies are strong, maybe as strong as they were 8 years ago? And our allies are disgusted with us. Battles will continue; reparations will need to be made.

But hope and change is on the way. It comes in the guise of the first black president (forgive me if I don’t use Jesse’s made-up term of “African-American,” but I have friends from the islands who say it does not represent them).

“A government of the people, by the people, and for the people have not perished from the earth,” King Showbama said last night (bad grammar and all) during his acceptance speech at Grant Park, invoking the inevitable, John F. Kennedy. I wonder if he’ll rival JFK (or Slick Willie, for that matter) in his number of mistresses. (Yes, I know, what does screwing around in the Oval Office have to do with the ability to lead a country? Well...if your mind is elsewhere...Feed Your ADHD!)

Yes, King Showbama will ride in on his white unicorn and, qualified or not, experienced or not, with solid and coherent and convincing and achievable ideas or not, be challenged. It is up to him to prove he belongs. (As we know, the list of presidents who have not belonged is long, Republican and Democrat.)

Let’s hope King Showbama is up for the challenge, that he is, as Oprah called him, "The One."

And let’s pretend I’m from Missouri. Show me, King Showbama. Because I’ll be on your ass for the next four years.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Can I Tally With My Tallywhacker?

Oh, my. I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

A group of nudists in Florida (just a couple hours north of where I used to raise my children) would like to vote naked. They’ve actually petitioned the county supervisor of elections to set up a polling place within their colony, the largest nudie joint in the country.

The petition apparently didn’t specify if the poll watchers have to be naked…and from what I know of Pasco County, Florida, you’re looking at some seriously old poll watchers.

The earliest the colony would be allowed to vote in the buff would be 2010. That’s a relief. I’d like to get some serious data on how voting while staring at your friend’s fat behind affects your political judgement.

It also gives me enough time to research purposes.
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