French President Cries Foul Over Obama Voodoo Dolls

French President Nicholas Sarkozy has lost his petition to block the sale of voodoo dolls.“They look too much like U.S. President-elect Barrack Obama,” Thierry Herzog, a lawyer for Sarkozy, told reporters on Saturday. “Nothing against Obama, but we expect a little more from our satire here in France. They can wave a white flag over there in America all they want, but a voodoo doll of President Sarkozy should have a bit...

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French President Cries Foul Over Obama Voodoo Dolls

What's Wrong With Shoppers?

If you opened this and expected to find satire, I apologize. I don’t have the heart for it today.I remember as a kid hearing about a Who concert in Cincinnati, in which 11 people were trampled to death as the doors to the hall were opened. I was appalled: What would compel people to run over top of other people? It was just a concert! Not a fire. Not a shooting in a crowded place. No one was trying to get away. They...

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What's Wrong With Shoppers?

Rosie Puts up Real Stinker; NBC Boots Her to the Curb

In unprecedented swift action, NBC dropped Rosie O’Donnell’s new variety show after only one night.“There are a lot of things to be thankful for today, and one of them is that NBC viewers won’t have to look at Rosie anymore,” Jeff Zucker, president and CEO of NBC Universal, said Thursday while preparing for a Thanksgiving feast of tofu, bean sprouts, and salmon spaghetti carbonara. Zucker hinted he was considering asking...

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Rosie Puts up Real Stinker; NBC Boots Her to the Curb

Franken Vows to Leave the Country

Disgusted with an elections process that won’t allow him to steal enough votes to win, (not so funny) comedian Al Franken (D) vowed today to leave the country as soon as possible.“Damn. I really thought those crackpots on the Board of Canvassers were going to let me win this thing, but they apparently believe in fair elections up here,” Franken said, flapping his ample lips. “This is ridiculous. If a man can’t steal...

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Franken Vows to Leave the Country

Oil Plummets; OPEC Leaders Off Themselves

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Oil Plummets; OPEC Leaders Off Themselves

Monica to SerVICE the Country

In the spirit of change and a new beginning for Washington, D.C., the Office of the President Elect today announced that former White House intern Monica Lewinsky has accepted the nomination to a new cabinet position in the Obama administration.Barring Senate confirmation, Lewinsky will be nominated to the post of Secretary of Internal and External Affairs. An official news conference has been scheduled for Tuesday morning...

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Monica to SerVICE the Country

Luca Brasi Sleeps with the “Sea Kittens”

If you’re going to start a movement to change the name of what’s for dinner, you might want to pick something with a bit more ambiance than “sea kittens.”“Luca Brasi sleeps with the sea kittens” just doesn’t…ahem…hold as much water as does the classic line from my all-time favorite movie, The Godfather.I mean, I understand why PETA wants us to stop eating fish and all. They believe an international “movement” to change...

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Luca Brasi Sleeps with the “Sea Kittens”

Palin Talks Turkey

I swear Sarah Palin gets more face time with the media these days than does King-elect Showbama.Call it her post-election tour to keep herself in the minds of would-be 2012 voters.My only suggestion to Palin is that she pick more voter friendly settings for her chats. While being interviewed in your home state in a rural setting is classic Americana, it's a pretty queer thing to watch a former candidate for vice president talk turkey while someone cuts the heads off turkeys behind her.She was there to pardon a turkey for Thanksgiving,...

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Palin Talks Turkey

Milk Industry Moos for Bailout

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Milk Industry Moos for Bailout

Cheney's "Misdemeanor Assaults"

Vice President Dick Cheney has been indicted on state charges involving federal prisons.Cheney is charged with engaging in organized criminal activity related to investments in the Vanguard Group, which holds financial interests in the private prison companies running the federal detention centers. He is accused of a conflict of interest and "at least misdemeanor assaults" on detainees because of his link to the prison...

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Cheney's "Misdemeanor Assaults"

“Office of the President Elect”

King-elect Showbama won’t even wait until he gets his jewel-encrusted crown in January to start spinning lies. He’s now set the record for the earliest administrative yarns in history. And he doesn’t even have an administration to order around yet.Let me count the ways. Already, he’s falsely calling himself “president-elect.” While elected to be the next president, true, he isn’t really “president-elect” until the Electoral...

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“Office of the President Elect”

Supreme Court Upholds Bill of Rights!

Without freedom, there can be no liberty. And without the Supreme Court, there can be no law. Now the pursuit of happiness is another sto...

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Supreme Court Upholds Bill of Rights!

Holy Shiite! Where’s Mahmoud?

Mahmoud Ahneedarealjob, now my favorite terrorist president (alas, I’m on the outs with Dubya, since he has only 10 weeks left in power), has been remarkably quiet since sending King-elect Showbama a congratulatory letter following last week’s historic election.(I’ve obtained a copy and, in honor of national security, have decided not to publish the letter in its entirety. I will, however, share this tender moment, since...

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Holy Shiite! Where’s Mahmoud?

Talk Is Cheap

Keep on talking, Showbama. Keep on talking.State of the Nat...

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Talk Is Cheap

Help This Virgin Now!

Even crotchety old me has to feel a pang of pity for this poor sap:"Well guys, here's the deal: I'm 25 years old and still a virgin. Yes, I know, it's pretty weird... I've always been a shy guy, and as time passed I just got too old. To be honest, I'm not quite happy about this, as one would figure.Actually, I almost lost it once. I had a girlfriend when I was 23. But in the end pretty much nothing happened - she left...

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Help This Virgin Now!

Showbama's Tax "Cut" Exposed

Why call it a tax “cut,” when your plan is to just dial back the tax law 9 years?Why, spin, of course. Truth is negligible to a presidential candidate, and downright blasphemy to a president (slash president-elect).Are you getting a tax cut, or are you having your taxable levels restored to the year 2000? Question of logic: If your tax level was higher in 2000 and you make more money now (or the same amount, as is probably...

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Showbama's Tax "Cut" Exposed

Your Friendly Neighborhood Gov’t ShakeDOWN

If Death and Taxes are avoidable in this life, then I’m a Democrat who voted for King Showbama. I think my record on this subject is pretty clear.Oh, I’m gonna die, of that I have no doubt…unless my wife wants to pay for cryogenic freezing, but first I’d have to move to Freakifornia. And I refuse even to step foot in Freakifornia.When I go, it’s the dirt nap for me, or the fishes, depending on who gets to me first.So...

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Your Friendly Neighborhood Gov’t ShakeDOWN

Blogging in the ADHD Era

Honoring my intent, I’m open to discussing all things stupid.So I’m going to get away from prattling on about King Showbama and (to a lesser extent) his evil counterpart, the eunuch, McLame, at least for the next 5 minutes.I’m told by a fellow blogger (a PAID blogger, I will admit) that my posts are far too long for this medium. My “wit” (I thought it was bile!) is buried in my bullshit. My use of repetition, hyperbole,...

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Blogging in the ADHD Era

Short Post #3

IT!Short Post#1Short Post...

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Short Post #3

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ON!Short Post...

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Short Post #2

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Short Post #1

The Eunuch and Tina Fey

I want to know how you run a presidential campaign with “factions” and “divisions” between nominee and running mate. Do you feign simpatico relations with the other, only to bitch and moan behind closed doors about one another and spread whatever message you feel, instead of one consistent, powerful voice?Is the race for the presidency now a friggin’ playground?The disconnect between John McLame and Sarah Palin running...

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The Eunuch and Tina Fey

All Hail King Showbama

So it is done. He spoke eloquently and emphatically about hope and change for 21 months, and people listened. They do that, you know, particularly when a good shepherd leads the way.Yes, the American sheeple have spoken, and quite clearly. Prince Showbama is now King-elect Showbama. I mean it. This has really happened. The promise of America has been fulfilled.As we started rolling out the red carpet Tuesday on ALL the...

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All Hail King Showbama

Can I Tally With My Tallywhacker?

Oh, my. I couldn’t make this up if I tried.A group of nudists in Florida (just a couple hours north of where I used to raise my children) would like to vote naked. They’ve actually petitioned the county supervisor of elections to set up a polling place within their colony, the largest nudie joint in the country.The petition apparently didn’t specify if the poll watchers have to be naked…and from what I know of Pasco...

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Can I Tally With My Tallywhacker?