Monday, June 28, 2010

Robert Byrd Dies, Named KKK Grand Dragon of Hell

Senator Robert C. Byrd (D-WV) died early this morning at Inova Hospital in Fairfax, Va. Upon arriving in Hell, he was immediately appointed KKK Grand Dragon.

Byrd was greeted at the gates of Hell by long-time friend Ted Kennedy, who made an unsuccessful bid for president of Hell last year shortly after his own arrival.

“Having … ah … Senata Byrd at my side again can only improve my … ah … chances of … ah … taking this place ova when elections come around again next yeya,” Kennedy said.

Byrd, for his part, cried when he saw Kennedy again. “Ted, Ted, my dear friend, I love you, and I missed you,” he said.

Satan, Kennedy’s rival for control of Hell, welcomed Byrd to his kingdom of filth.

“It is with great honor that I bestow the title of KKK Grand Dragon on Senator Byrd,” Satan said. “Only a true Democrat – and we’re all Democrats down here in Hell – could have uttered the great statements he has made over the years.”

Satan spent the next 40 hours regaling the gathering crowd of demons, radical Islamic suicide bombers, and former elected Democrats, recounting many of Byrd’s earthly statements. Here are the highlights:
  • “They call me 'The Pork King,' they don't know how much I enjoy it.”
  • “There are white niggers. I've seen a lot of white niggers in my time. I'm going to use that word…”
  • “The Klan is needed today as never before and I am anxious to see its rebirth here in West Virginia.”
  • “It is necessary that the order be promoted immediately and in every state in the Union…”
  • “Will you please inform me as to the possibilities of rebuilding the Klan realm of W. Va.”
  • “I will never submit to fight beneath that banner with a Negro by my side…”
  • “Rather I should die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again … than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrel … a throwback to the blackest specimen from the wilds."
*Byrd quotes courtesy of @DearCitizen

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