Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Coincidence? -- Vol. 1

An occasional series on people of the political zeitgeist who curiously look like someone, or something, else...







I really think not...

h/t: IMAO
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White House Announces New Pencil-pushing Standards

WASHINGTON -- Aiming to keep the focus on creating out-of-control bureaucracy, President Barack Obama put a plug in for administration efforts to make pencil-pushing more overwhelming while using less energy.

"I know pencil-pushing may not seem sexy, but this simple action holds enormous promise because 97 percent of our future economy in America depends on having the most efficient bureaucratic tools as we take over more businesses and create more government offices," the president said, standing alongside Energy Secretary Steven Chu at the White House.

Obama said the new efficiency standards he was announcing for pencil- pushing would result in substantial savings between 2012 and 2042, saving taxpayers up to $22.17 annually, conserving enough energy to power every U.S. agency for 10 seconds, reducing emissions equal to the amount produced by 166 cows a year, and putting every single coal-fired power plant out of business.

The president also said he was speeding the delivery of $346 million in economic stimulus money to help hire more bureaucrats to run the Wicked Witch of Congress’ cap and trade energy bureau and to help write new and even more confusing amendments that can be dropped into any House legislation at 3:09 a.m. on any given morning before a crucial vote.

Republicans took issue with Obama's pitch.

"This guy’s a friggin’ menace. Clearly his goal is to keep the public’s mind on ‘energy’ while he creates the biggest government this country’s ever known," said Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky. "We have to admit there's a gap between this guy’s big floppy ears, government spending that can sustain itself, and the amount of bureaucrats we need."

The White House added the event to the president's schedule at the last minute, just three days after the House narrowly approved the first “pile of shit” energy legislation billed as curbing global warming that actually taxes future consumer energy consumption by as much as a gazillion percent, following furious lobbying by White House advisers and the usual personal extortion by the president himself.

White House spokesman Robert “Ahhhhh” Gibbs said Monday that in phone calls to reluctant Democrats in endangered districts, Obama "threatened to cut them off at the knee caps and drop them into Lake Michigan if they didn’t explain to their constituents and to the American public any load of crap necessary to get this bill through the House."

The measure's fate is less certain in the Senate, where Democrats lack the 60 votes needed to block a certain filibuster and will likely face a public duel at 40 paces on the Senate floor with Global Warming denier (and one of the few sane people in Washington at this moment, if those words strung together even make sense) James Inhofe (R-Okla).

Still, in an interview with a small group of reporters, Obama energy adviser Carol Browner said: "I am confident that this unreadable (and….HAHAHAHAHA…unread by the House, I might add!) legislation will pass the Senate." But she repeatedly refused to say exactly when the White House expected the Senate to pass the measure (when the polar caps melt, perhaps?), and she wouldn't speculate on whether Obama would have legislation sent to his desk by year's end.

The White House is working to keep energy in the spotlight even as Congress takes a break this week for some little holiday that, to them, is all about barbequing and blowing your hand off with M-80s and getting a free day off every year for nothing. Obama has spent the past few days pressuring the Senate to follow the House or he’ll kidnap them and set them free unarmed in his Chicago neighborhood to see if they can survive.
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Monday, June 29, 2009

Court Rules for White Firefighters over Promotions

Well...it can't be very good for a judge to go before a hearing to be confirmed to the U.S. Supreme Court knowing your peers think your work friggin' sucks:

WASHINGTON -- The Supreme Court ruled Monday that white firefighters in New Haven, Conn., were unfairly denied promotions because of their race, reversing a decision that high court nominee Sonia Sotomayor endorsed as an appeals court judge.

New Haven was wrong to scrap a promotion exam because no African-Americans and only two Hispanic firefighters were likely to be made lieutenants or captains based on the results, the court said Monday in a 5-4 decision. The city said that it had acted to avoid a lawsuit from minorities.

The ruling could alter employment practices nationwide and make it harder to prove discrimination when there is no evidence it was intentional.

"Fear of litigation alone cannot justify an employer's reliance on race to the detriment of individuals who passed the examinations and qualified for promotions," Justice Anthony Kennedy said in his opinion for the court. He was joined by Chief Justice John Roberts and Justices Samuel Alito, Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas.

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Dumbass Shoots Friend Wearing Bulletproof Vest

I can't decide which one is the bigger dumbass...the one doing the shooting, the one wearing the vest, or the one filming this.

Is there any wonder legitimate gun owners get a bad rap?

Be smart. Don't EVER friggin' do this. (And don't open this at work without headphones).


EMBED-Bulletproof Vest Test Goes Wrong - Watch more free videos

h/t: Notoriously Conservative
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Sunday, June 28, 2009

Jimmy Obama

They think alike, they act alike, their policies create similar malaise, hell, they even look alike...

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"Obama Man" parody

More morning coffee funniness...



h/t: Patriot Room
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Friday, June 26, 2009

8 Republican Assholes Who Helped Cap and Trade Pass the House


Once there were 8 RINOs in the House of Representatives who wanted to tax you even more than you already are in the name of some fictional assholery called "Global Warming," a scheme that was hatched (by snakes) for nothing more than to transfer enormous parts of your freedom and wealth to that great frontier of trustworthiness and piety and "your best interest" -- good ole Washington, D.C.

They wanted to force your electric bill to go up.

They wanted to force you to pay more for your vehicles and the fuels you put in them.

They wanted you to pay more for your jacuzzi and your microwave and your hairdryer and Grandma Jane's trusty air conditioner for the enclosed patio.

Today they were the difference between cap and tax getting stuck in the wax between Henry "The Thing" Waxman's ample ears and you getting to pay more for the crap you buy...not to mention more of it that will be made overseas....because who the hell wants to do business in a country that taxes them to death?

FINAL VOTE: 219 - 212 PASSES (click for source)

Their names were:
And even though this bill still has to go through the Senate, I think you should help me give all of these fine 8 traitors a friendly "Fuck You," don't you?

UPDATE: Direct link to who voted what.

UPDATE II: Though a fake, this photo is very instructive, no?


UPDATE III: THANKS ANN!

UPDATE IV: You can find a great roundup of what others have said at the bottom of this post over at Michelle Malkin's place.

UPDATE V: James Inhofe says that foul stench you're about to smell wafting from D.C. is cap and tax dying in the Senate.

UPDATE VI: I find it VERY interesting that on Monday, June 29, 2009, between 9:10 - 10:15 a.m. EST I had the following hits from:
  • pentagon.mil, 4 page views, 3:04 duration
  • house.gov,1 page view, 1:44 duration
  • treas.gov, 5 page views, 6:26 duration
  • senate.gov, 2 page views, 4:21
  • usdoj.gov, 1 page view, 0:00 duration (sitemeter didn't track the hit)
  • sandia.gov (Sandia National Laboratories), 4 page views, 6:38 duration
Unfortunately I'm having a few technical difficulties getting a screen grab from my sitemeter, but: Hey gubmint...if you're watching me, I'm watching you back!

(Slipping on my tinfoil hat now....)
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Banking Queen

Obviously I have nothing better to do than watch silly videos with my morning coffee. Now you can too:

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Big Gay Ice Cream Truck


This is the one Obugger sneaks off to all by himself, leaving the girls at home with Mobama. He tells them he's going golfing...along the Appalachian Trial.

The Big Gay Ice Cream Truck's location?

Argentina.

Bill Clinton and Mark Sanford are meeting Obugger there for a cone and a threesome (golfing, you dirty-minded bastard!) on Saturday, to celebrate cap-and-tax getting through the House on Friday.

Joy!

h/t: Bits & Pieces
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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Flies Revolt, Swarm White House


WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Billions of flies descended on the nation’s capital this morning, torching entire neighborhoods, looting businesses, and swarming the White House in a revolt against President Barack Hussein Obama’s brutal public execution of a fly last week.

The riots began early during rush hour. Hordes of flies could be seen flying low to avoid detection by radar in squadrons from all directions, carrying either excrement bombs or signs declaring “Exoskeletal Beings Have Rights, Too.” Sorties pummeled everything along The Mall and from Pennsylvania Avenue south to the Tidal Basin and the Jefferson Memorial.

Before the Pentagon could realize what was occurring and muster a swift defense, flies had secured a perimeter 10 square blocks around the White House and began their assault on the president’s quarters. Local flies quickly joined the fracas, setting fire to their own homes and looting businesses, particularly grocery stores and sushi restaurants.

“It was an incredible nightmare,” said a homeless man, leaning against one of the few cherry trees that weren’t set ablaze in Lafayette Square, just across Pennsylvania Avenue from the White House. Identifying himself as former General Motors Corp. Chief Executive Rick Wagoner, who claimed he hid under a space blanket during the riot, the man was appalled something like this could happen in Washington. “It’s despicable those flies would do so much damage to their own neighborhoods. Do they think this is Los Angeles or Detroit?”

One Secret Serviceman, who refused to be indentified, said the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, where Vice President Joe Biden lives, was gutted by fire and feared destroyed.

“We were really scared the White House was next, once we got the vice president out of his underground bunker and managed to hide him in an abandoned subway station nearby,” he said. “He actually had a good time playing cards with the homeless guys down there. I think he felt right at home.”

The Secret Service tried using their Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catchers to trap as many flies as possible, but the flies kept resuming their assault once they were let free. “Now I know what the Gitmo detainees must be thinking of doing once we let them go,” the unidentified Secret Serviceman said.

The Pentagon finally called in crop dusters and strafed the entire city with secret stashes of illegal DDT, just in case there were outlying cells of flies ready to continue the fight.

“I know we’re not supposed to use that stuff, but the situation demanded appropriate action, and the president acted decisively in the best interests of the nation’s capital…and himself,” a Pentagon spokesman said. “We’ll deal with the fallout, and the possible increase in future cancer rates from Washington residents and government employees, when we have to. Besides, if we get national health care, anyone who gets sick from this stuff won’t be treated anyway. So, really, it’s a win-win.”

By mid-afternoon, the entire National Mall, the South Lawn, The Ellipse, the Washington Monument grounds, and Constitution Gardens were a sea of black, with dead flies piled a foot deep as if a blizzard from hell had engulfed the city.

The exterior of the White House was in disrepair, with most of the windows facing Lafayette Square shattered and the paint on the statuesque columns chewed away. On the south side of the building, the following words appeared to be scrawled in excrement on the fascia of the balcony: “You May Be the Messiah But You’re No Lord of the Flies.”

Sources say the president, who was in the building at the time of the attack, remains shaken but unharmed.

The entire city was also still in lockdown, with the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the National Guard, and officers of the Air Force Office of Special Investigations, Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, Capitol Police, Central Intelligence Agency, Defense Criminal Investigative Service, Department of State Diplomatic Security, Drug Enforcement Administration, Environmental Protection Agency, Federal Protective Service, Fish & Wildlife Service, Immigration and Customs Enforcement, Internal Revenue Service, Marshals Service, Naval Criminal Investigative Service, Postal Service, Secret Service, and Transportation Security Administration going door to door armed with cans of Raid to kill any remaining flies that might be in hiding.

Several government sources said they feared federal employees are now so afraid of something like this happening again that they’re going to quit their jobs and flee the area, ruining the city’s claim to the only dwindling unemployment rate in the nation.

Unsubstantiated rumors implicate People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) as organizers of the revolt. A spokesman for PETA refused to comment on the allegations or that fact that 10 members of PETA were arrested on Pennsylvania Avenue, including buxom blonde TV star Pamela Anderson, who was detained for trying to smuggle flies to safety inside her mouth.

The PETA spokesman did indicate his group would take action. “We have knowledge that so many flies from the Eastern seaboard were offended by the president’s murder of one of their innocent brothers that they joined in the revolt and were summarily executed themselves. We fear the damage to the ecosystem may be irreversible. We demand that Congress immediately take up legislation to add these exoskeletal beings to the endangered species list.”

The president himself issued this written statement through the White House Press Office:

“The history of our treatment of flies in this country is abhorrent. We are bad…very bad. I myself am even more bad:

Because I’m bad, I’m bad -- come on
(bad, bad -- really, really bad)
You know I’m bad, I’m bad -- you know it
(bad, bad -- really, really bad)
You know I’m bad, I’m bad -- come on, you know
(bad, bad -- really, really bad)
And the whole world has to answer right now
Just to tell you once again,
Who’s bad . . .

“I apologize for committing murder last week. I was tired. Gibbsy was over there, off camera, egging me on. We all thought it was a big joke. I see now how wrong I was. I look forward to dialoging with the flies, PETA, and anyone else concerned about this terrible incident in our history.”

This satire is also posted at Smart Girl Nation.
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Monday, June 22, 2009

Despite the Nitwits in D.C., Our Men and Women Overseas Always Show Their Brilliance



Hi! I’m Cpt. Obvious. Oh…that’s right. You can probably tell that by reading my name tag!



Anyway. I wanted to introduce you to some of my fellow service members. We’re sort of a ragtag bunch, what with the president and Congress cutting back our funding (I guess so they could come up with legislation that will give Americans $4,500 for going to the junkyard to buy a $100 clunker and drive it to the car dealer to trade it in on a brand new vehicle that gets 2 more mpg).



But we’re not worried.



You see, while our politicians make such “brilliant” decisions back home, out here on the front lines, well, we’ve got a special kind of genius going for us.



Like when we run out of bullets, we revert to the ways of the American frontier.







And when they stop sending us Hum-Vs, we’ll be prepared.







When it comes to weaponry, in fact, your best weapon is sometimes your best friend...and best wing man (particularly when your stockpile of missiles runs low).







For those times when secrecy is imperative, we’ve also developed a cloaking device to conceal our aircraft (4 parts WD-40, 3 Chicken Ala King MREs, and a splash of Tabasco).







Naturally, sometimes flight needs to be a little lighter, a little less expensive, and a lot more personal and immediate, especially when you’re under heavy enemy fire. So we’ve developed this handy escape device.







Meanwhile, PFC Jones and Spc. Adams learned this personal flight trick from the Speaker of the House.





You know, I hear a lot about the need for change in the American auto industry. I suspect Cpl. Ames is going to do really well for himself once he ETSs back home.







But Washington won’t let him take his land speeder when he heads stateside, so he’ll have to catch a ride.







Now… when you’re in the field away from base, it’s always best to make as much use of government property as possible, and that’s how sniper O'Reilly found the perfect spotter.







It’s also very important to learn how to cross any body of water as quickly and stealthily as possible, again, using government resources to their fullest potential.







That’s learning to make the best of the situation. Like Sgt. Anderson did, when he found out I’d lost our last beer opener on our recent desert patrol.







Yes, we’re an ingenious bunch of men and women, but it’s our strength that makes us true American fighters. And, well, the enemy would never mess with Pvt. Lovely if they knew she could do this.







So…just a word of warning…if you’re the enemy, you need to know you’ve never met anyone with the strength and character and sheer intelligence of the American military, even if you’re a personal friend of the president’s and like to shoot unarmed people protesting your rigged election.







BTW: If you live in Hawaii, don’t worry too much on Independence Day. Secretary Gates assures us we’re in a reasonably good position to knock this one down, if it comes. (Though I have to say, Kim, that’s a pretty ingenious way to travel…but it’s the landing, I’m thinking, that you’re not going to like.)







(To the brave men and women who serve this great country and keep all of us back here in relative comfort safe, you always have my thoughts and best wishes because, in my book, every day is Veteran's Day.)



Inspired, btw, by this.



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Sunday, June 21, 2009

ABC Strokes the Mighty One’s Ego


I have a confession to make…i always wanted to be a journalist. I actually went to school to learn the profession, sitting through hours of riveting classes like Bias 101 and 202 and 303; Republicans Bad, Democrats Good; and Fundamentals for the Party Mouthpiece. It was a swell time.

As a working journalist, I immediately recognized that for some of my peers it didn’t matter who was right or wrong, just as long as they managed to make one side look pitiful. To accomplish this it was particularly important to develop the innate sense of finding absolutely the worst person possible to represent the standard bearer of an argument, and in the case of the “conservative” argument, well, one could never find anyone even remotely worse than Sen. Arlen Specter (D, then R, now D -- Pennsylvania).

Needless to say I enjoyed journalism so much that after 5 years I scurried off to hide in the equally odious profession of public relations for a short spell before landing in an even more exciting and controversial career, health care (as a Doctor of Editorialness).

Given my experience, you can naturally conclude that I’m looking forward to June 24, when ABC spends the day examining health care from the bowels of the Obama administration’s point of view, about as much as I’m looking forward to a cell in Gitmo for my low-level domestic terrorism activities, like blogging and hanging out at Tea Parties.

This all coming when the president’s poll numbers have come down to earth and support for Obamacare seems to be coming unglued.

Should we really expect anything less from the Fourth (Branch of Government) Estate?

We (that is, those of us with at least half a brain…meaning those of us who aren’t liberals) know the litany. The media’s allure for Democrats, not withstanding this Democrat, has always been overwhelmingly obvious. Over the past 44 years, journalists have voted Democratic in national elections by vast margins that go far beyond the relative plurality of the general vote in most national elections (even the great Barack Hussein Obama, for instance, captured only 52.7% of the popular vote). The history of reportage itself is fraught with incredible bias against conservative candidates, perhaps none more recently infamous than admitted liberal Dan Rather’s “myopic zeal” to have CBS become the first news organization to make a false and derogatory report about former President George W. Bush’s National Guard service…on the eve of the 2004 election.

And media love for Obama (captured by Bernard Goldberg’s excellent book, “A Slobbering Love Affair,” really can’t be demonstrated any better than the recent bow of NBC’s Brian Williams. (Um, Brian…here’s a little secret: He’s not royalty; it’s hyperbolic to bow to an elected official, and at best such stupidity reveals the moronic sycophant you truly are.)

Of course, this isn’t the first time a network became the mouthpiece for an administration pushing national health care. NBC aired a two-hour commercial-free special in 1994, after accepting $3.5 million from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, which had five fellows serving on then-First Lady Hillary Clinton’s secret health care task force. As NewsBusters’ Tim Graham points out, “this year, the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation can he heard in the underwriting announcements on [the partially federal-funded] National Public Radio -- still plugging the need for health ‘reform.’”

ABC’s breech of trust with the American people is equally as disturbing. You need not look much further than three curious facts:
  • A former ABC staffer runs Obama’s health communications department.
  • ABC employees gave $160,000 to then-candidate Obama during the election, with additional money going into the coffers of now-White House Chief of Staff Rham Emanuel and his PAC.
  • ABC refuses to accept any paid spots during its health care presentation, “Prescription for America,” from outside interests with viewpoints alternative to the national health care platform the president and the Democrats in Congress are trying to muzzle us with.
ABC, naturally, defends its plan Wednesday to interview both Obamas on “Good Morning America” and have lethargic anchor Charles Gibson broadcast the weakly-rated “World News” from the White House and then air a prime-time, hour-long townhall special from the Blue Room, with the president fielding questions from Gibson, Diane Sawyer, a panel of guests, and audience members chosen by ABC:
ABC News prides itself on covering all sides of important issues and asking direct questions of all newsmakers -- of all political persuasions -- even when others have taken a more partisan approach and even in the face of criticism from extremes on both ends of the political spectrum. ABC News is looking for the most thoughtful and diverse voices on this issue.
You can trust us, ABC says. We’ll be fair, ABC says. We wouldn’t let you down, would we? ABC says.

Besides, like Obama says himself, with the Fox News Channel around, he needs allies: “I've got one television station entirely devoted to attacking my administration….That's a pretty big megaphone. You'd be hard pressed if you watched the entire day to find a positive story about me on that front.”

Awwwwww. It always comes down to who’s stroking the Turtle Tunnel President’s ego, and who’s not...doesn’t it?

What will ABC do next, change its name to OBAMATV and start airing a full line-up of programming to massage the president’s fragile psyche? Imagine the possibilities! Why, wouldn’t we all enjoy such great reality shows as “The Next Big Takeover” and “Obama Eye for the Conservative” and “Gardening Tips from the First Lady”?

I can hardly wait.

In the meantime, we have Wednesday’s GLORIOUS OFFERING, ALLAH AKHBAR! to the president and his plans for borrowing more than a trillion (despite what he may be saying about “found” money in the budget) for a train-wreck national health care program that will send the average American household’s share of the national debt careening from a staggering $547,000 toward an inevitable outcome. If it happens, no matter what form national health care takes, the end result will be health rationing, a lower standard of care, and the destruction of the American economy as we know it…with ABC profusely groveling at the feet of The One, lovingly helping the federal government make the biggest power grab of individual liberty in our history.

This snark is also posted at Smart Girl Nation.
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Friday, June 19, 2009

A Letter to Barbara Boxer

A friend from Pittsburgh wrote this letter today and sent it to the ma'am (I won't even give the conniving little weasel the pleasure of me calling her "senator"), while also emailing me with permission to print it here:
Dear Barbara,

You have no right to criticize a distinguished member of our military, a man who has put his life on the line for you and for me (which, I dare say, you haven't), simply because he used one honorific instead of another for you. Furthermore, you have not *earned* the title senator; simply because you have enough money to buy an election does not mean that you've earned anything. You have very little respect outside of your incredibly liberal constituency; please do not assume otherwise.

You would do well to remember that you work for us, not the other way around. It is you who should be showing the utmost respect to your employers, especially those in uniform.

I look forward to the day when someone worthy of representing the people of California is elected in your place.
This is, of course, in response to Boxer's putdown of U.S. Army Brigadier General Michael Walsh for calling her the most awful name in the book...ma'am...during testimony before a Senate committee Wednesday:

Sen. BARBARA BOXER: Do me a favor. Could you say, "Senator," instead of "Ma'am"? It's just a thing. I worked so hard to get that title. So I'd appreciate it. Yes, thank you.

Brig. Gen. WALSH: Yes, Senator.

MSNBC's Chris Matthews, as only Matthews can, interpreted the salvo as the general "learning his lesson the hard way" not to cross the Wicked Witch of the Congress' step-cousin (once removed, fathered, my sources tell me, by the Witch's uncle-brother and cousin-sister), but then the head goon for the last-place cable network at least didn't get a thrill up his leg over the affair.

Thankfully, conservative talk show guru Mark Levin balanced Matthews' stupidity by calling Boxer "an ass."

Along those lines, Babs, here's another fitting little honorific to go before your first name: Obnoxious Feminazi Pompous Ass...

Ma'am.


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Thursday, June 18, 2009

Future Leader of America

If this is our future, maybe we should just give it all to Obugger and kill ourselves now (be sure to watch it all the way through)....




h/t: Boortz
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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Money You Could Be Saving...

...if Obugger weren't president.

Really, it should read:

The money you won't be saving 20 years after Obugger leaves the White House...

"...and his chickens come home to roost," to quote the Rev. "God-Damn America!" Wright.

But for now, even the little things like my $13 a week "tax cut" that will go away next year when the (real) Bush tax cuts aren't renewed...and cap and trade...and sin taxes on the contents of my liquor cabinet...and Obuggercare...and higher gas prices for no reason...and impending stagflation...and credit card companies jacking their APR up to 27% (yeah, I found that one in a bill today)...well...they matter.

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Monday, June 15, 2009

Politicians Share Personality Traits With Serial Killers

Name 6 things your favorite (or least favorite) politician has in common with serial killers:
  • Superficial charm
  • Grandiose sense of self-worth
  • Glibness
  • Pathological lying
  • Lack of remorse
  • Manipulation of others
And the work of Jim Kouri, veep of the National Association of Chiefs of Police, gets even better. Politicians are also guilty of this:
The affective traits include a lack of remorse and/or guilt, shallow affect, a lack of empathy, and failure to accept responsibility. The lifestyle behaviors include stimulation-seeking behavior, impassivity, irresponsibility, parasitic orientation, and a lock of realistic life goals.
I think this calls for giving my least favorite politicians some choice nicknames:
  • Nancy "Mary Ann Cotton" Pelosi
  • Ted "Wayne Gacy Jr." Kennedy
  • Harry "Ted Bundy" Reid
  • Joe "The Ripper" Biden
  • Barack "Zodiac" Obama
Feel free to add your own least favorites below!
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Sunday, June 14, 2009

FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!


Reportage and commentary by Gonzo First Dog Bo

The situation’s become pretty hairy. I think they may be coming unglued. The president’s always talking about wearing one of Phil Spector’s old shock wigs and seeing if anyone recognizes him. Geithner’s been running around marveling about how cool it is that America now has the historical distinction of employing more czars than the Russian Empire. TOTUS, meanwhile, stands over in the corner blasting FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! across his screen every 5 minutes.

I’ve been thinking of tucking a tube of mace under my collar. I may have to start dumping PatrĂ³n in my water bowl soon. I’m convinced they have no idea how deeply they’re digging themselves.

This afternoon’s economic “summit” was no different. We were in the usual place, the Oval Office, with the usual gang, Hussein (it’s cool to say his middle name now) and Rhambo and Geithner and Biden and even Gibbsy (whose constant drooling is really starting to get on my nerves).

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Gibbsy,” Hussein says, his feet propped on his desk, the soles of his shoes pointing toward Israel. (He’s been doing this all day since he found out it stirred up the Israelis, almost habitually, like he’s wondering if they can really see him.) “I heard that right about the time I was on the phone disrespecting Bibi the other day Rush was making this joke: ‘What do Obama and God have in common? Neither has a birth certificate. How do they differ? God does not think he's Obama.’

“I don’t get it. Why would he say a thing like that?”

“He thinks he’s Letterman, sir,” Gibbsy says, wiping a thin trail of drool dangling from his mouth.

“Well, that’s just awful,” Hussein said. “Letterman’s such a funny guy. Him and Jon Stewart…they’re such great supporters these days.” He suddenly blurts out: “You know I wanted to be a comedian back in Indonesia, but they told me Muslim goat humor wouldn’t get me to the White House. Yuck Yuck Yuck.”

“Mr. President,” Rhambo says, his snake eyes narrowing to slits: “It didn’t. I really think we should probably stick to the economy.”

“Right, right,” the president says, taking his feet down from the desk and straightening his tie and intertwining his fingers before him, the serious man now. “We have a lot of work to do, gentlemen. What’s the story,” he asks, hunched forward, slowly panning the room with his beatific gaze.

“Well, sir….SLURRRRRRPPP…we have some problems. Unemployment numbers are ….SLURRRRRRPPP…out and, well, it’s up to 9.4%,” Gibbsy says, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

The president shakes his head violently back and forth and leans back in his chair and purses his lips. “I thought we said it would never get that high; why that’s doomsday scenario for us, isn’t it Tim?”

“Yes, Mr. President,” Geithner says through his teeth as he gnaws on a hangnail with the rhythm of a jackhammer….dthdthdthdthdthdthdthdthdthdthdthdthdthdthdth. He stops and looks right at the president. “And some folks out there are pretty sure that Stimulus is a failure, precisely because we’re beyond the doomsday unemployment figures and the money just doesn’t seem to be helping (not that we’ve really released that much). Since that bill passed, 1.6 million people have joined the unemployment rolls, sir.”

“If things get any worse, you’re looking at double-digit unemployment, a presidency killer,” Rhambo says, his forked tongue darting out to sample the scent of the mood in the room.

In the corner, TOTUS shivers and flashes FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! across his screen. No one pays him any mind.

“Well, haven’t we ‘saved or created’ 150,000 jobs?” the president fires back at Rhambo, the same look Michelle gave Bruni the other day crossing his face.

(I start to think I should have brought that mace. I mean, really, just how many times in history has a president been maced? I’m betting not many. Probably none by his dog. It could get interesting around here one of these days. I make a note to definitely check with my dealer later.)

“We’ve just got to spend that Stimulus money faster,” the president says, waving a hand at Rhambo. “And have Congress spend less. And get Kenneth Feinberg, our new pay czar, to get the corporations to spend less on their executives. Oh, and maybe we’ll just have to borrow a little more than a few billion for health care. Really, sometimes I think I’m the only one standing here between the country’s survival and the pitchforks. Without me, I swear we’ll be bulldozing all of the cities.”

He looks around the room again for approval.

(I’ve spent enough time around him since I came here during Easter to know he’s very insecure. He needs love and attention, someone to take him for a walk now and then and scratch behind his ears and tell him he’s a good boy and give him a treat, even when he’s completely off his rocker.)


“That’s right, Mr. President, you are The One,” Gibbsy says… SLURRRRRRPPP.

“Indeed,” Rhambo says, his tongue smelling the air again.

“You’re the man!” Biden says, ogling the cover of the most recent issue of Family Circle in his hands.

Hussein continues: “Joe…haven’t we been saying that Stimulus is a complete success, that it’s going to be a long, hard road to recovery, yes, but we’re gaining ground? Isn’t that what we’ve been saying?”

“Hey, man, don’t ask me, this is all above my pay grade,” Biden says, flipping his magazine open and turning it sideways and frowning. “Hey…where’s the centerfold?”

“Yeah…um…right. Sorry, Joe.” Hussein looks up at the ceiling, as if he were trying to call on Allah, then lowers his gaze to the room and starts his favorite monologue, the whine in his voice creeping higher and higher with every word: “Look, people keep saying I want the government to run everything. I DON’T! I don't want to run auto companies, and I don't want to run banks. I've got two wars I've got to run already. I’ve got North Korea. I've got more than enough to do. But with all this trouble, government’s the only resource with the power to fix things.”

He finishes and looks around the room for approval, and, on cue, everyone bursts into laughter.

“I LOVE IT when you tell the press that joke, sir,” Biden says, laughing and laughing and laughing.

In the corner, TOTUS still flashes FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! across his screen, and everyone still ignores him.

“Yeah, sometimes I can hardly contain myself,” the president says, beaming.

“Alright…alright…hold on now. Let’s get serious: It’s time to ask: WWJCD?”

“What would Jesus Christ do?” Gibbsy says, his mouth suddenly closed, the drool gone, his eyes wide, as if he’s just heard the craziest thing ever.

“NO!” The president shouts. “Gibbsy, how many times do I have to tell you? We don’t say that name anymore. WWJCD stands for: What Would Jimmy Carter Do?”

“He’d run off to monitor fixed elections in Iran,” Rhambo says.

“He’d lead us into stagflation,” Biden says, looking up from his magazine and flashing his goofy smile.

“I think we’re already heading there,” Geithner says in agreement.

“Yeah, maybe. But here’s the thing.” The president lowers his voice, almost to a whisper, as if people who voted for him were nearby and wouldn’t like what he was about to say. “You know, I read the other day the economy in Washington is booming, that unemployment has shrunk to 5.6%, that college grads are shunning Wall Street and coming here instead.”

“Well, sir. That’s because about half of the jobs you’ve ‘saved or created’ are government jobs,” Rhambo says, hissing.

“I know,” the president says, smiling. He’s so pleased his ears seem to wiggle. Not for the first time since I’ve been here, I resist the urge to bite one. “That’s my point. Why don’t we just take a stake in everything?”

Life starts to color Rhambo’s cold-blooded, dead-fish face. He smiles, his forked tongue curling with delight.

“Why don’t we just go out and force the public and private business that are on the brink of collapse -- which is pretty much everyone, at this point -- into government protection. Let’s forget about small numbers, like a few million. Let’s save and create 150 million jobs through government takeover.” The president, so pleased with his plan, stands and smacks his hands together, the loud POP! jolting Biden awake, who’d fallen into a bit of a nap, his Family Circle apparently too deep for afternoon reading.

“The only thing that’s still not clear to me is how are we going to pay for it all.” The president looks way in thought.

PAY?” Geithner and Rhambo and Biden and even Gibbsy (normally a little slow on the uptake) all say, in unison before starting a chorus of laughter (real, this time).

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

“We don’t PAY, sir,” Rhambo says. “The TAXPAYER pays! Remember? Crisis is…”

“Opportunity,” the president finishes and smiles like a loon.

I shake my head, pretending I have an itch in one of my ears. You simpleton megalomaniac, I think. You’re digging your own political grave, and taking the country down with you. Out of the side of one eye, I see TOTUS in the corner, wobbling back and forth, so violently, now, I don’t even have to turn my head all the way around to see his screen:

FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!

This satire is cross-posted at Smart Girl Nation and The American TEA Party.
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Saturday, June 13, 2009

Obugger's Wealth Share...um...Health Care

Click to enlarge. And find the rest over here.

Got my ration book? Check.

Got my cash? Check.

Got health care? "We regret to inform you, Mr. ADHD, that your rations are no longer in good standing, do to your failure to check box 7,942 on Form HSO, part 713, section 600,401, paragraph 97, subparagraph 842, bullet X47d12, question 345,211: "Your shoe size." Your inadequacy has been reported to the Board of Rations for your subsequent termination from the program. Please see your health commissar immediately, or we will be forced to dispatch the healthbots to drain your government-issued lifeforce and recycle it in a more useful program participant. That is all."

h/t: Soylent Green

For even more fun health care satire, go here.
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Friday, June 12, 2009

PENS WIN! PENS WIN! PENS WIN!


Too bad the Pirates won't win...but TWO championships in one year is DEFINITELY a BURGH thing.
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Ahmadinejad Doesn't Need a New Job

At least his state media claims he doesn't.

That's too bad.

I was very much looking forward to saying goodbye to his anti-Semitism, fear-mongering, and thumbing his nose at America.

I guess, I can, however, appreciate that he will continue to stick it to Obugger (though he really should leave that to us, since he's ours...unfortunately).

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Mr. Disaster-Enabler, Sir: Meet the Lovely Miranda

We'd like you to meet the lovely Miranda.

While you're together, you don't have to talk about this.

Or this.

Or even when you did things like this.

While you're together, if you want, you CAN talk about things like this.

And how much you disliked this guy.

And how much you really, REALLY don't like this.

Because...it's really all relative what you know and what you don't and how much you want to hurt us. That's all water under the bridge. We're your friends now.

And if you really, really hit it off with Miranda, we'll even give you this, since we're really, really sorry.

And, since we think you'd make a great couple, we'll even throw in some of this.

And...well...if you want...you can just go ahead and turn us all into this.
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The Incredible Hulk Mobama in a Houston Astros Jersey


First Lady of Fashion? That thing's about as fashionable as a Houston Astros jersey from 1980. In fact, I'll take the jersey.

On the bright side, at least this time we didn't have to see her Incredible Hulk gunz....

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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

National Health Care, De-Satirized

Having been accused of "fear-mongering" with yesterday's satire (CLEARLY satire; CLEARLY fiction; CLEARLY for entertainment), I'm going to avoid the flamewar stupidity that took up most of my day and most of my energy and present you with THE FACTS, as they are today (KeithHennessey.com) with the Democrats in Congress.

And they ain't good:
The Kennedy-Dodd health care bill, and the Tri-Committee Health Reform Draft Proposal in the House, together would have severe effects on the more than 100 million Americans who have private health insurance today:
  • The government would mandate not only that you must buy health insurance, but what health insurance counts as “qualifying.”
  • Health insurance premiums would rise as a result of the law, meaning lower wages.
  • A government-appointed board would determine what items and services are “essential benefits” that your qualifying plan must cover.
  • You would find a tremendous new disincentive to switch jobs, because your new health insurance may be subject to the new rules and would therefore be significantly more expensive.
  • Those who keep themselves healthy would be subsidizing premiums for those with risky or unhealthy behaviors.
  • Far more than half of all Americans would be eligible for subsidies, but we have not yet been told who would pay the bill.
  • The Secretaries of Treasury and HHS would have unlimited discretion to impose new taxes on individuals and employers who do not comply with the new mandates. (The House bill outline is not specific on this point.)
  • The Secretary of HHS could mandate that you provide him or her with “any such other information as [he/she] may prescribe.” (The House bill outline is not specific on this point.)
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Monday, June 8, 2009

Ten Reasons Why Medicare for All Will Be AWESOME!

From medicareforall.net: “MEDICARE FOR ALL would be like sunshine and a beautiful sky, a grassy field, people relaxing and children playing…like a sunny breezy day.”

Oh, you silly, silly conservatives, pouting and moaning and shouting from your pulpits about the dangers of socialized medicine. You just need to come back down and wallow with the people for a change in the mythology of the horrors of today’s American medical care. My recommendation? When in a Social Democracy. (It’s kinda like the “when in Rome” thing, but since we liberals say just about anything with the intent of bringing about something completely opposite, let me go ahead and spell it out for you: Smoke more dope to get in touch with your inner mellow, then pop a few Vicodin when the paranoia sets in.)

It’s a right good prescription for a new progressive vibe, the consciousness to get on board with the sweeping health care reform heading your way, Medicare for All (and the only kind of medicine you’ll really be able to find by then, anyway). This idea for health care reform is so fresh it’s like that block of Philadelphia Cream Cheese I’ve kept in the back of the fridge for special occasions, for 10 years now. What the heck, they say a little hair on the cheese is good for your insides now and then. Plus, it’s the kind of special treat you’ll reserve for yourself once you become accustomed to the exciting promise of life under Medicare.

In fact, here are 10 really cool reasons why Medicare for All will be just, like, soooooo awesome:

10. Everything will be decided for you. You won’t even have to think about it. Oh, sure, at first, your employer will dangle a few “options” under your chin, offering the choice of private insurance plans A and B or government cheese. Little by little, as more and more people opt for the easy life on government street and private insurance companies try to recoup spiraling losses with higher premiums, your employer will ask you to pay more and, then, like a sunny breezy day, suddenly blow your options back to Antarctica and shove you into the single-payer plan. From then on, you won’t even need to think about it. You’ll be under the loving arm of the Motherland, nuzzling against her for comfort and care, in health (we’ll get to “in sickness” in good time). And you won’t even have to search for your own doctor! Government health czars will find one for you. You don’t want to think too hard about choices anyway, do you? Why waste brain cells figuring out what’s best for you and your family when you could be watching Season 42 of American Idol?

9. It’ll be FREE! Free, I say. It’ll be so free you won’t even have to bother checking your pay stubs to make sure the accounting department didn’t accidentally deduct the entire company’s insurance premiums from your check. You won’t need to worry about that sort of thing anymore. Why, a simple little tax rate of 900% on your earnings (to include your benefits) will come off the top of your automatic bank deposits each payday (like your bookie’s cut of your college football winnings), nice and tidy, easy squeezy, as simple as any good government program should be. Just tuck the old way of doing things in the back of your hippocampus and forget it. And, while you’re at it, have a lollypop; they’re recycled from the floor scrapings of the Government Candy Factory, formerly known as Tootsie Roll Industries.

8. You will get more reading done. With more and more people entering the system, your chances for grabbing a doctor’s time will shrivel (what those in the biz like to call “rationing”). You’ll become intimate with the wonderful world of waiting lists, as if you’re standing at the back of a line snaking outside your doctor’s waiting room into the hallway and outside the front door and across the street, stretching to the other side of the county. You will spend your waiting time being more productive than ever before. You wanted to read War and Peace in your lifetime, anyway, right? That’s unintended enrichment right there, baby. Quality health care in the time it takes to read Tolstoy, a splendid marketing campaign that’s sure to impress.

7. Retirees and their caretakers love it; you will too! Why, it’s incredibly fun when you’re 70 to find out your doctor suddenly won’t see you because you’re on Medicare. It’s even more fun searching for a new doctor among the dwindling numbers of primary care physicians, many of whom already can’t make enough from equally declining Medicare reimbursements to keep their businesses afloat. Meanwhile, if you’re taking care of dear old mom or dad, think of the hilarious phone calls you have to make when Medicare suspends coverage for their prescriptions and the 10 different people you have to scream at to find the root of the problem and get it fixed. You have a better chance of navigating the bureaucracy of the cable company when you mysteriously get billed 6 months in a row for services you didn’t order. I like a good mystery, don’t you?

6. It’ll be better than going to Disney World. Just like Chrysler and Government Motors and the federal government overall, Medicare is already bankrupt. By 2018, Medicare will be running a deficit of around $100 billion; compared to the overall CBO estimates of the federal deficit by then, I’d say Medicare is incredibly stable, like the Titanic just before it hit the iceberg. Throw the entire population under the Medicare umbrella, and you’ll create the greatest amusement park ride of all time. The terror of experiencing the violent motions of a sinking ship is drastically overrated anyway.

5. We’ll need fewer medical students. Since doctors already earn less, thanks to Medicare and Medicaid, more would-be medical students will go into something else, like garbage collection…or undertaking. Those two businesses are easily the least likely to fall under government control anytime soon. Garbage is money, always has been (ask The Mob); for med students, taking care of the dead would be just a few steps away from operating on the live, without the $300,000 in student loan debt or the hassles of malpractice insurance.

4. We’ll see the invention of doctor trailer parks. Doctors who stay in the biz (due either to their own altruistic reasons or, more likely, to government extortion in exchange for the forgiveness of student loans or practice-related debt) will experience the community joy of public assistance, using food stamps to fill a shelf or two of their refrigerators (if they even have electricity). They’ll sell their homes at a loss and move into federal trailer parks for doctors, seeing patients out of the back room to cut down on practice overhead. The parks will have names like Bones Village and Blue Star Doctors Park and Good Samaritan Estates and take the place of hospitals, saving the federal government billions annually (because, naturally, we’ll have to bail out hospitals by then, too). They’ll become tourist destinations; we’ll plan vacations around our doctor visits and then tour the grounds, letting little Jimmy ride his first x-ray machine in exchange for a $5,000 admission fee. Universities will offer classes about them, with names like Contemporary Medical Trailer Park Economics and Staph Infection in the Trailer Park Hospital. Congress, meanwhile, will continue to conduct annual hearings on the State of the American Healthcare Crisis.

3. If you get cancer, you can see the world (or what’s left of it). The Government Health Decision Board will rule you ineligible for care, saving the taxpayers (by then) billions. You’ll use your retirement savings, or what’s left after you pulled them out of the market just before The Crash of ’12 and hid them under a stone in the hearth, to take a fishing boat to Haiti, the ocean cruise business having gone under and Americans no longer visiting any country east of Bermuda after nuclear ballistic missiles, unable to reach North or South America, wiped out every other continent during Iranian President Ahmed Ahmadinejad’s failed attempts to annihilate Washington. You’ll meet a witch doctor who will make you drink chicken’s blood and mumble incantations while stuffing his face in a bong during a 4-hour ceremony to exorcise your tumor. Amazingly, you’ll recover and come back to America and live a long and healthy life, taking annual vacations (by row boat, since you’re now broke) to Haiti for preventive health care.

2. On a related note, trailer park emergency rooms will have far less congestion than the old hospitals. Take your typical accident victim today. When he’s wheeled in, his arm is nearly severed and he needs a bucket of blood and is comatose, having had half his brain crushed when he was thrown from the vehicle. Medicare for All will simplify the whole problem. Accident victims will be treated only if they still have more than 75% of their blood and all of their limbs and at least 90% cognitive function (no substitutes, please). This will preserve the dwindling blood supply and eliminate the waste of resources required to keep a patient on life support. (Plus, it will help save the planet!) And think of the boon for transplantation! Why, with all of the accident victims unworthy of treatment ending up dead, we’ll have mobile organ harvesting sites outside each doctors’ trailer park. Donor waiting lists will become obsolete…that is, of course, if the recipients are still working and able to pay their share of taxes in support of the Motherland.

1. It’s patriotic to pay taxes. If you have to pay taxes anyway, you might as well fund a good cause, excessive taxation being the greatest form of charity (for those who didn’t earn the money in the first place). Medicare for All is as good a cause as any other, except for maybe freedom. Besides, it’s not every day you get to put best in class American ingenuity into the hands of bureaucrats and completely destroy it, all while finding your government sponsored sunny breezy day.

This satire has been cross-posted at Smart Girl Nation and The American TEA Party.
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