Don't ask...just read.
And be glad I left out the little nastiness that occurred when the Haitians at the Turnpike rest stop refused to give me ketchup for my Whopper, the business with the mace too vial and terrible to retell, even for my usual recklessness.
GONE TO FLORIDA. MAY NEVER RETURN!
Obama can't produce a birth certificate. He used it to roll a fatty and smoked it.
Road to Florida tweet: the Cracker Barrel in Jimmy Carter's hometown is as crappy as his policies were. #TCOT #SGP
Florida is just as beautiful as when I lived here. That's it. I'm staying.
Fear and loathing in the hotel room...nervous morning. Children bouncing off the ceiling. What's that bird, Daddy? Look at the sailboat! Stop throwing pears at me! Daddy can we go to the beach?...Meanwhile, Daddy just finished his steaming hot beer from last night...and the liquor store doesn't open 'til noon (damned Florida legislature!)...Daddy, if I jump, can I land in the water? Don't know. Let me try first...
My new tradition: Since I'm never coming back, I'll be having a bloody Mary, like now, with breakfast @La Brochetterie...which I'll buy with my stimulus check.
At the beach, fat men with shaved chests look like giant Butterball turkeys, except I'm pretty sure even the sharks would avoid them.
I thank the woman wearing the g-string (but shouldn't), whose husband just put lotion on her cheeks. I didn't need my breakfast anyway.
Worst beach band song of all-time: Hotel California...reggae style...
Beach scene: Man holding a Bible, a camera slung around his neck, marries a couple (snapping a photo after delivering each line), the groom wearing Bermuda shorts and a t-shirt, the bride wearing all white: cotton dress, lacey vail ... and thong.
Beach scene: Homeless dude, asleep sitting upright on a park bench, arms folded across his chest, a mosquito net pulled down snug around his bushy beard.
Why do people who obviously don't exercise suddenly start when they go to the beach?
Next new tradition: Since I'm never coming back, I'll start off every Monday morning watching beach bunnies over two beers.
Beach lite: paying hundreds of dollars for a room on the ocean so you can spend the day...by the pool.
Road from fla tweet: In Valdosta...drive thru girl: have you seen the 09 pennies? Me: no. Do they have Obama's face? Drive thru girl: huh?
Think I'll avoid eating @ any Shoney's with all letters burnt out except for HO.
Overheard in a convenient store: "Habnis habnis habnis habnis. Hahahahaha." Apparently "habnis" is some funny shit in Arabic. #TCOT
Paradise is being kicked in the back @ 80 mph by a 5 year old in a meltdown.
You know it's been a great vacation when your work fat pants are tight.
Amazing how some peace away from the office makes you forget how many dicks you work with, and how quickly you remember once you return.