The 10 Most Wanted Congresscriminals

Excuse me while I move some files from the Word Press site over here so I can delete that thing forever. If you didn't see this before, now's your chance!

Previously published 11/29/2009

Image courtesy of Zardoz

If you think Cap and Slave and WealthShare will become the legacy of the 111th Congress, the wealthiest bunch of elected officials to occupy the District of Criminals in history, you’re overlooking today’s good news: Food stamp use is soaring, and the personal stigma over being on the government dole is waning.

Now, that’s the progress my hard-working parents always dreamed I would discover!

The news is so impressive it demands a listing of the most wanted creatures wandering the halls of the Senate and House of Representatives, critters who curiously blame other rich people for the country’s economic problems while they mask takeovers of huge swaths of the private sector and individual middle class freedoms under the guise of moral indignation against the greedy.

So, here are the 10 Most Wanted Congresscritters that immediately come to my mind.

10. Alan Grayson … wanted for needing a butt plug shoved so far down his throat it ends up in his spleen, for being a complete ass in the face of opposition by getting all Alinsky-like: “If you get sick, America, the Republicans’ health care plan is this: Die quickly.” He rounds out the top 10 for having the visage of Shrek without any of the movie character’s class or humility, and for being far too ugly inside to ever come close to bagging even the cartoon caricature of Cameron Diaz.

9. Christopher Dodd … a liar of extraordinary achievement, Dodd is wanted for protecting AIG bonuses and then hypocritically coming out against them. He should be wanted for the sole fact that Ralph Nader might crawl out of his hole in the ground to run against Dodd next year. More concretely, Dodd is wanted for shady real estate dealings and for getting sweetheart loans the rest of the American people couldn’t possibly receive even if they had a relative in the financial sector. Dodd is so anti-business he could portray James Taggert in theforthcoming cinematic version of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. And last but not least, Dodd deserves to be wanted for being an AGW enabler and champion of carbon taxes, for being the overwhelming Jack Kevorkian of finance reform, and for embarking on a journey to pass “National Health Care Coverage for all Americans” despite most Americans wanting nothing to do with his journey.

8. John Kerry … is a wanted man for making it necessary to enter the following question into our political lexicon: “Why the long face, John?” Certainly, Kerry warrants being on this list for “swift”-ly going where no one has gone before (or should go, without being tried for treason) and for sticking to his lack of morals and continuing his long history of bashing our troops then, and recently. Finally, Kerry makes my list for redefining the definition of flip-flopper (and, in so doing, showing us why he wasn’t worthy of holding a president’s bath water, let alone holding the strings of an entire country).

7. Barney Frank … for being a right round like a record player baby whose had more bounces on pogo sticks than any other Congresscritter who likes national wealth share. I’m also putting him on this list for not being able to say wewielble correctly and for ruining every current adult’s childhood memories of Elmer Fudd. He also belongs for having the audacity to “not recognize” what pot plants look like when they grow in your own home and for letting a gay prostitution ring run in his house. Naturally, being a fat fucking Congressman who supports public health care gets him on this list, as does his sodomizing 300 million Americans ever time he votes. Anyone saddled with a song called The Banking Queen should be on any most wanted list of Congresscritters. He’s been a pretty bad banking queen at that, what with his long-running threesome with Fannie and Freddie(well, he took on Fannie only because she came with Freddie, his most favorite male prostitute of all time aside from his hometown bank. And Frank makes my list for speaking to the people he represents in the following manner: “Trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table,” he said. “I have no interest in doing it.”

6. Charlie Rangel … the face of Democratic corruption. This tax cheat, who confronts inquiring minds with questions like “why don’t you mind your goddamned business,” doesn’t even know how to keep solicitations for his personal foundation from going out on the Congressional letterhead you and I pay for. He’s a TARP whore and an auto bailout whore and is quite fond of Porkulus. Not only that, he’s also racist (as are most Democrats) for once uttering this lovely phrasing: “I forgot to report that I once refused to let white folks rent my Harlem brownstone.” Just kidding on that last one, but you can almost here him saying it, no?

5. Arlen Specter … once a Democrat, always a Democrat. In fact, I covered in depth the reasons Sen. Sphincter is on this list back in February and April. Here’s a little taste: “I support Porkulus because I’m a dope of epic proportions. Not only did I start my political career as a Democrat, but you have me to thank for the invention of the asinine single-bullet theory in the Warren Commission Report. Being only a paper supporter of the 2nd Amendment and not actually owning any weapons (accept for the pen I use to sign big-spending legislation), I don’t have any concept of the trajectory of bullets or what happens if one would enter two human bodies and supposedly skewer 15 layers of clothing, 7 layers of skin, and some 15 inches of tissue, striking a necktie knot, eviscerating 4 inches of rib, and shattering a radius bone along the way. I would think that bullet would appear pretty pristine, don’t you? Yeah. I told you I fell out of someone’s ass.”

4. Barbara Boxer … a climate goon, this California senator deserves such a lofty place on this list precisely for her arrogance. “Call me Senator” Boxer has the class of a sewer rat and the stench of rotting roadkill and the concern for individual American rights of Mao Zedong (unless you’re gay). An avowed abortionist, she also enjoys redistributing wealth, for which she is an enemy of the People’s Republic of Cauli-for-nia. Boxer loves long walks in the park with anyone who supports gay rights and one day hopes to be an illegal immigrant.

3. Henry Waxman … easily the ugliest senator in U.S. history, Waxman just may be the leader of allextraterrestrial life on earth. He’s so high on this list for practicing proctology without a license and for introducing a Trojan horse into the American health care system and for endeavoring for 30 years to saddle middle class families with cap and tax. But that’s not all! He merits high wanted marks for liking cash and unmarked bills and for questioning my patriotism. Somehow we’d all be better off if Waxman had cut off his nose to spite his face.

2. Harry Reid … is nearly at the top of this shit list for being last on Amazon.com’s best seller list and for being stupid enough to say that income taxes are “voluntary.” He also rates high most wanted marks for making “cloture” a household word this past November and introducing 2,074 pages of shit that cost only $409,353,905.50 per page. His mouth particularly merits high marks for such gaffes as calling a U.S. president aliar and a loser and for calling me an “evil monger” and for saying the Iraq War was “lost.” Finally, Reid is deserving of a high place on this list for being a mealy-mouth piece of garbage the voters of Nevada need to send home for good next fall, just like the voters of South Dakota did the last time the senate had a Democrat majority leader.

1. Nancy Pelosi … naturally, the Wicked Witch of Congress takes top billing on any most wanted Congresscritter list, for several reasons. First, for being next to last on Amazon.com’s best seller list and for running the … ahem … “most ethical” Congress in history and for getting me Google hits for the search term “Nancy Pelosi in bathing suit.” She has permanently ruined how I’ll remember One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nestand Botox and makes Christopher Dodd’s lying look amateurish for her knowing but not knowing then remembering that it was all Bush’s fault the CIA waterbaorded Khalid Sheikh Mohammed 183 times and stopped a terrorist attack against American people. I gave her top billing for establishing her own federal travel agencyand for offering us jail for not buying PelosiCare and for being so fond of the $787 billion Porkulus bill that saved or created 30,000 jobs that she wants to stick us with another “jobs” bill, one that assuredly will be created with saving only one job in mind — her own come November 2010.

Honorable mention votes go to Diane Feinstein, Pat Leahy, Fritz Schumer, and Maxine Waters. Finally, these most wannabe Democrats received honorable RINO mentions: Olympia Snowe, Susan Collins, Anh Joseph Cao, and the Republican 8.