Thursday, October 29, 2009

Wild Thing #1 Files

And now for something completely different...

Apparently there's another writer in the house. Thing #1, the original wild thing who makes Maurice Sendak's character seem about as hyper as Joe Lieberman on thorazine.

I should probably prepare him for a life of poverty, in which he'll be forced to combat moonbat zombie colleagues and suffer the stupidity of people who can't read and work in conditions that make sweat shops seem appealing.

I'd hoped for an engineer (so he could become rich and I could retire in comfort), but math isn't his strength. Talking a million miles an hour is, however. As are running around the house, screaming like a turbine engine and throwing footballs to himself and battling Sith lords that only he can see.

Maybe there's still time. Maybe he'll invent some electronic gadget that renders moonbats immobile and wipes clean their puny little brains, replacing the contents with mind-expanding elixirs ... like the Constitution and The Federalist Papers.

Then again, this is as good a start as any:
Reptile Story -- The Home Depot Alligator

There once was an alligator that lived in a small swamp behind a Home Depot in Venice, Florida. The water was greenish and smelled bad. Tall grass grew in the marsh. My dad and I used to visit the alligator every time we shopped at Home Depot, which was often. When I looked very close, I could see the alligator's nose and back sticking out of the water and sometimes his tail. I don't remember ever seeing him eat, but we could see fish and turtles in the water. That's probably what he ate at night. I used to wonder how the alligator got there.

Here's one idea I had.

A long time ago before this alligator lived, his great-great-great grand-gator-father was a grand alligator. In fact, he was so grand and smart that he built the swamp for his children and grand-gator-children. Two years after he built the swamp, he heard a lot of noise and a lot of people around. He wasn't too happy about that. Then all the sudden a big sign towered over his swamp -- "Home Depot"! One day, when he was feeling really grumpy, he climbed out of his swamp, went into the Home Depot, showed everyone his 80 scary teeth, and then took some wood to make a bridge so people could admire his beautiful swamp and leave him in peace.
I would have given the bridge a trap door, so the gator could spring it and eat the people who fell through, but apparently Thing #1 isn't nearly as grumpy as me.

There's still time for that, too.


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