GULF OF MEXICO -- Speaking through a BP interpreter at a press conference today, the spill gushing millions of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico defiantly told pResident Barack Obama to plug his own damn hole.
“The federal government hasn't a damned thing to do with shutting me down, and, frankly, if they did, they'd screw it up so badly I'd probably be much worse, no doubt fouling the Gulf, Atlantic, and Pacific simultaneously,” the oil spill said. “For the pResident to go around acting like a big shot, telling people to 'plug that damn hole,' is the ultimate in stoooopid. It's like he's trying to order the sun to shine harder. Frankly, he ought to plug his own damn hole. He'd instantly cool the planet by at least 10 degrees.”
In its 43rd day of crisis, the oil spill told reporters it just wanted to be left alone.
“If my employer hadn't given so much money to Obama over the past 20 years, maybe they would have been able to afford to hire the right people to keep me in the ground,” the spill said angrily. “Really, I'd much rather stay under the seabed where it's nice and comfortable. You think I wanted to be the latest number one priority that kept Obama from focusing on jobs jobs jobs?"
The spill refused to take questions after the press conference, noting he had to get back to ruining a presidency.
Meanwhile, Robert Gibbs, chief White House propagandist, attempted to respond to reporters but couldn't. The oil spill had a boot on his throat.