Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Lawmakers Repeal Obamacare Over Coverage Gaffe

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a stunning admission of their own incompetence, first the House of Representatives then the Senate voted unanimously today to repeal Obamacare, following revelations the 2,700-page healthcare bill pResident Barack Obama signed into law in March actually revokes the lawmakers’ current personal health insurance.

The repeal bill was surprisingly brief in comparison to the reams and reams of paper 7 competing Congressional and Senate draft health deform bills occupied last year, simply stating: “We can’t possibly be thrown into the health care pool with the peasants. Obamacare is hereby repealed.”

The bill was introduced in the House by The Wicked Witch of Congress, who was so enraged she could barely speak, except to say, “Take our brains; we’re not using them.”

House minority leader John Boehner -- who last time he took the floor of Congress gave a rabble-rousing speech that ended with him screaming “Hell no, you can’t!” -- today stood before his colleagues and laughed for 20 minutes.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!” he said, before collapsing and being removed to his offices so he could recover enough to cast a vote in favor.

After passing the House, the bill was quickly sent to the Senate, where Harry Reid stood dumbfounded before his fellow senators.

“I-I-I can’t explain how this happened; did the Republicans somehow slip this language into the bill during the middle of the night?” Reid said. Hours after the bill also passed the Senate, a new Gallup poll showed him winning only 2 percent of the vote in his bid for reelection in Nevada.

It was a shocking first day back from Easter recess for federal lawmakers. Even more shocking: their bill was historic, the first time that 100 percent of the House and Senate voted unanimously on anything.

“Now that’s what I call bipartisan healthcare reform,” Vice President Joe Biden said, before realizing the vote completely ruined the pResident’s signature achievement to date (other than making the Guinness Book of World Records for completing the most self-demeaning bows to foreign dignitaries).

“Shit, this is an even bigger fuckin’ deal than before,” Biden said, nicely recovering. “Even I wouldn’t have done something that stupid.”

Chief White House Propagandist Robert “Ahh” Gibbs refused to comment on whether or not the pResident will sign the bill, saying only that the pResident had already promised to voluntarily participate in the health insurance exchange, even though he wasn’t required.

But sources say the pResident was so angry the fiasco would now sully his desire to be viewed as a really good one-term pResident, Obama will likely sign the bill then regroup and try to Rahm through another version of healthcare deform before Memorial Day.

After the Senate vote, The Wicked Witch of Congress confronted Reid outside his office and was arrested for threatening to kill him.

“How could you let this happen, you nitwit!?" she screamed. "You told us you would fix any problems in reconciliation. You just screwed the pooch. I hope you die; I’d kill you myself if I weren’t a 70-year-old bag of unpliable Botox! I'll get you, my dingy!”

She was later released on her own recognizance and was seen writing threats against America with her broom into the sky above the Capitol Building.

Reid, meanwhile, sat in a corner, sobbing, his arms wrapped around his knees as he rocked himself back and forth, saying, “there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home,” a place to which he surely will return after November, where he can thank all of his many loyal supporters:

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