FDA To Regulate Amount of Food in Processed Foods

Citing the growing number of foods that people actually enjoy, the Food and Drug Administration today announced plans to regulate just how much food processed foods can contain.

"It's more than food for thought," said Food Czar Ferdie “Federal” Famiñe. “We certainly think it's appropriate to manage every little morsel the American people eat."

The regulations will require food manufacturers to fill every package of processed food with 95 percent air and only 5 percent food. Fast foods will now be served in portions that would make a French chef jealous.

New Wendy's Biggie Size entree, per federal regulation

The sweeping changes will dovetail with the Obamacare legislation Rahmed down America’s throat earlier this year.

"The idea is to make it that much more unnecessary for you to see a doctor, so now you won't even have to worry about the quality of your diet in the first place,” Foodie said. “Since we already face a doctor shortage, the situation will only get worse as more and more people who once wanted to become doctors go into professions like mortuaries and garbage collection. With these regulations, we not only circumvent the doctor shortage but, with people no longer eating, we’ll also eradicate obesity and urban density. Let’s face it, starvation is a wonderful tool for discipline, health care cost containment, and population control."

The White House was fully supportive of the FDA. “Let them eat air!” said Robert “Ahhh” Gibbs, chief propagandist for the Obama Regime.

Regulatory Czar Cass Sunstein, who promotes forced abortions and mass sterilization as necessary means for human population control, seemed to have an epiphany when told of the plan.

“Doh! And here I was trying to be some pseudo-nazi-intellectual when all we needed was proper guidance from the FDA!” Sunstein said. “Zer vil be no food!”

pResident Barack Obama, meanwhile, knowing the regulations won’t apply to him anyway, took the news with more than a few grains of salt. He had a double cheeseburger, slammed two Yuengling beers, and boarded Air Force One, taking advantage of the air space reopening over Europe for the first time since volcanic ash began spewing from Iceland to fly to Iran and golf with BFF Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.