Sun May 24 2009 8:32:18 ETOh…damn…I’ve been sleep posting again. For a minute there I thought it was 2012, and b. Hussein had bankrupt the country, taken over too many private businesses, and stolen so much wealth that he was worried the voters were going to kick him out of office in a few months. Alas, half-lucid from insomnia, I was only twisting Drudge’s report from yesterday.
In a stunning holiday interview with G-SPAN, President b. Hussein dejectedly told Americans: "We are out of socialists."
G-SPAN host Steve Scully broke from a meager Washington press corps (only 4 reporters showed up, what with all media but Fox News and the Government-Satellite Public Affairs Network having gone out of business) with less than probing questions for the tired president.
SCULLY: You know the state of affairs: the automakers have stopped production in the U.S., all banking concerns have moved to Ireland to take advantage of the lack of corporate tax there, the Depression is going into its third year now. At what point do you run out of socialists, so it can get better?
OBAMA: Well, we are out of socialists now. We’ve been beating down doors in even the most elite neighborhoods, but all of our former supporters seem to have turned their backs on us, even George Soros. Of course this was not caused by any decisions we've made. This is a consequence of the crisis that we inherited and in fact the Bush administration’s failure to make some good decisions on everything from health care to who cleans the White House toilets.
Well, maybe it really is our fault. See we've had a short-term problem, which is we used up all of our allotted socialists to completely rewrite our governing system, we had to deal with the auto companies (and they said, screw this, we’re moving to another country) and a huge recession that turned into a Depression because of incredible deficits we were never able to get our arms around (‘cause we spent like a college freshman with his first 50 credit cards) and cap and trade taxes and bailouts for the banking and media and minority radio station and taxi cab and trucking and railroad and airline and shipping and cable and satellite TV and department and grocery store industries. Not to mention half of the country unemployed and massive inflation (Did you see the price of bread today? $100,000 a loaf…wow!) and interest rates creeping up around 40 percent.
So we have a short-term problem and we also have a long-term problem. The short-term problem is dwarfed by the long-term problem. And the long-term problem is we’ve got an election around the corner and no one to vote for us. If we don't start drugging the homeless with mind-numbing Kool-Aid to substantially vote for us, we can't stay in power to complete the remaking of America.
So, one option is just to do nothing, which is what we should have done when we came into power and just let the market and the economy correct itself. But at this point, we’ve intervened so badly and created so many unintended consequences (such as the unemployed taking their government cheese and selling it in Canada in exchange for health care…how does that happen?), that it's too expensive for us to make some short-term investments in anything, well except for maybe bread. Bread, these days, appears to be a great short-term investment. We can't afford it. We've got this incredible deficit and a subpar bond rating and not even Cuba wants to loan us money anymore.
Along that trajectory, I just don’t see us scaring up any more socialists unless we start cloning members of the administration, but even that’s a long-term goal since our science policies were way off the mark, particularly after we discovered that using embryonic stem cells to treat disease leads to incredible cascades of cancer-cell generation, wiping out 100 percent of the human beings who were volunteered for clinical trials. But at least we put a dent in the rightwing extremist population…well, for a while, anyway.
SCULLY: When you see GM though as “Government Motors,” your reaction?
OBAMA: Well, you know -- it was a great idea on paper, but now that the puppet CEO came to his senses and moved the entire company to Taiwan overnight (kinda like when Robert Irsay moved the Colts to Indianapolis without telling anyone), it’s really only a shell company now. We do make great motors for electric toy cars. Too bad the kids can’t afford to buy them. Did you see what it costs to buy a 2.5-pound tricked-out remote control Meeko Nissan Lessthanimpressiva at Government Toys ‘B Us? $50,000, what it used to cost me to buy a slightly pre-owned Escalade before I was elected. On the positive side, just think of the kind of revenue stream we can tap into if it ever takes off with the consumer!
SCULLY: States like California are now so bad off, they’re trying to secede and form mini republics with neighboring states, will you be forced to send in the military to keep those states in line?
OBAMA: No. Unfortunately, most of the members of the military have gone AWOL and we’ve only got about 1,000 troops left (especially since we sacrificed most of them who were stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan in order to partner with Iran to destroy Israel), although we do have confidence that the vice president’s son, General Joseph Robinette “Beau” Biden III, can put a retention plan together by the year 2050.
SCULLY: William Howard Taft served on the court after his presidency, would you have any interest in being on the Supreme Court?
OBAMA: You know, I am not even sure there’s going to be a Supreme Court left once I get through, so there’s that problem too....
Well…at least there's still time…for real change we can believe in.