President b. Hussein: My dear friends. Today, the United States of America turns a new page in the fight against Anthropogenic Global Warming. We stand on the precipice of either moving forward toward curbing fictional deadly greenhouse gases, the mere mention of which lines the pockets of great patriots such as Al Gore and George Soros and myself with triple-laundered twenties and fifties, or plummeting into great impending planetary doom (which would lead anyone in his right mind who takes 10 minutes to do some research to conclude: Hmm…those AGW freaks are nuts). HOWEVER! Thankfully, few of you doubt the Deity and most embrace The Inconvenient Truth and the taxation of your energy consumption because you don’t have enough common sense to question authority…when the authority represents your beloved, America-loving Democratic Party!
The press expresses its feelings.
As President of Government Motors, it is my duty, neigh, my sacred oath, to proclaim unto you that automobiles in this country shall, by the year 2016, ON AVERAGE, gain more miles for every gallon of gas (which by then, the CBO estimates, should cost about $472.99 per gallon) than ever before.
More press reaction.
[Thinks: This is WAY too easy.]
These are, indeed, difficult times that must be met with the strength of difficult people, as they used to call us before we ate from the forbidden fruit (and became regular, run-of-the-mill Zombiecrats). It is, therefore, with great pleasure, that I say unto you that vehicles made in America will gain an average of 400 mpg by the year 2016 (when I’m raking in a hell of a lot more per speech then Bill Clinton every dreamed of getting). It is time that America leads, instead of letting trees fall on our SUVs during violent, AGW-caused storms that we have never before seen (since we refuse to look up climate fluctuation data any older than, say, 1981).
It is time that American ingenuity and know-how puts us back at the forefront of automotive technology.
It is time that we get back to our roots and create streamlined and fuel-efficient marvels of engineering that benefit Our Lady Mother Earth without sacrificing style.
Yet, all the while, as we seek to cut back on the ability of a vehicle to travel beyond your driveway, as we raise taxes so incredibly high you will think Jimmy Carter should be immortalized on Mt. Rushmore, we will NOT skimp on safety to achieve our goals.
Gibbsy. GIBBSY! (Whispers: next slide….NEXT! AHEM!) As I was saying, we will make the future the present, by creating cars as dependable as Nancy Pelosi’s daily Botox treatments. Therefore, in addition to mandatory fuel mileage requirements, we will also increase maximum payloads that will bring about more carpooling and reduce traffic on our national highways, thereby improving everyone’s rush-hour commute.
We will achieve these goals by taxing each new vehicle by 4,000 percent of the purchase price, the overage directly payable to the U.S. Senate, for the upkeep of Social Security, Medicare, National Health Care, and free access to Meet the Depressed each Sunday and 24-hour broadcasts of NPR while those of us not fortunate enough to be Democrats wait on soup or bread lines (never both!) for daily rations. This foresight, by the government, for the people, dictated to the people, will put the future of the United States in our own glorious hands.
Final response from the press.
The president, reveling in his success, sneaks off to a back room in the White House to end another evening with a precious moment all to himself.