17 Suspicious Similarities Between Obama Club Shanghai and the Regime

Next week entrepreneurs in China will launch a new gentlemen’s club, Obama Club Shanghai. Officials say pResident Barack Obama has no involvement in the club’s operations, but some uncanny similarities to the Obama Regime should give rise to healthy suspicion.

Sources indicate that:

George Soros is a major investor.

Andy Stern is retiring as president of SEIU so he can run the club’s VIP area, The Boardroom. Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein, meanwhile, will be a frequent visitor and has donated a million dollars for the club’s grand opening.

The Boardroom will feature a putting green. Obama's look alike will give special performances, hitting Titelist balls into the cup while a slide show of the world descending into chaos streams in HD on a 10-foot screen behind him as Nero's Fiddle by Clutch blares from the club's sound system.

Joe Biden has been hired as the club’s first featured entertainer. He’ll dress in drag and sing such classic hits as "This Is a Big F$^kin' Deal" and "He’s an Articulate and Bright and Clean and Nice-looking Guy."

Dancers will be required to wear sleeveless dresses and boob belts and have hips so large they can catch hula hoops. Oprah, who is retiring from television, will be the first featured dancer.

To enter the club, patrons will need to submit their income tax return. Middle class people will immediately get taxed a mandatory 40 percent tip. Businessmen will have to surrender their salary and bonus and the reigns to their company. Low-rent customers who declare themselves present and demonstrate community organizing experience will get a Nobel Peace prize based on their grossly exaggerated potential.

Bowing to the doorman exempts anyone from needing to prove their level of income.

The club will serve a nightly list of salt-free special entrees called Obama’s Picks, including dishes like Rahm's Finger Surprise and Michelle's Lead Salad and Barry's Bitter Pill Delight. Servers will dress up like Obama Regime czars. Every Friday will be date night; management will pick up the tab of anyone who orders from the Obama’s Picks menu.

Sundays will feature giveaway night. Patrons will receive free gas, mortgage payments, and healthcare for life.

Anyone who refuses to visit the club will be branded a racist, extremist TEA Party sympathizer, to be rounded up and sent to Gitmo and never heard from again.

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17 Suspicious Similarities Between Obama Club Shanghai and the Regime

The Short List of Candidates to Replace Justice Stevens

Image by iOwnTheWorld.com

Justice John Paul Stevens, the longest-serving member of SCOTUS, is retiring to the old-old folks home. It's probably about time he hangs up his robe anyway, if he can still remember where to find it. George Burns said sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope; I would imagine that interpreting the Constitution at age 90 is like trying to throw a baseball when you're the wrong president.

It's a tough age. My grandma's 90, and her biggest obsession is worrying about how much nothing works as well as it used to. (Hell, I'm in my 40s and I know that already.) Then again, my Dad's dad was still delivering the mail at 90 -- driving down the road at 15 mph and pissing off every person in upstate New York, all of them getting stuck behind his stationwagon, the line of cars sometimes seeming to back all the way up to the Tapanzee.

It's probably good timing for Justice Stevens to step down, anyway. It will give the ADHD-addled Liar in Chief something else to do, since he seems to hop from issue to issue to issue like a rabbit with a harem. It'll also give the talking heads something to talk about, who pResident Barack Obama will probably nominate. Allow me to jump the gun, and give you the likely short list of candidates.

1. Oprah. She doesn't have a law license, but in the Obama Regime, why let qualifications get in the way? The Puffer in Chief owes her. She coined the term "The One." She's probably half the reason he's in office right now, well maybe only 10 percent if you remember the MSM inserted their heads so firmly inside Obama's colon they extracted enough Obamalove to smear on the voters. Still, Oprah could be Zero's one. She's retiring from TV, needs something to do, and has a marker to call in. Besides, I hear Obama needs to find a place for her since her tryst with him and Mobama isn't working out.

2. Janet Napolitano may be among the list of candidates, but then again I hear Obama wants to nominate a woman.

3. Joe Biden. If Zero doesn't go the route of nominating a woman to the bench, where else could Joey Mumbles do more harm? Also, Joey's twice been under the knife for brain aneurysms, and the last time the doctor accidentally cut the nerve leading to Joey's manhood, effectively rendering him a woman. Furthermore, the Obama Regime won't be complete until a Supreme Court justice mentions the words "This is a big fuckin' deal" on camera. And finally, after Zero's healthcare "victory," Obama certainly has been throwing his weight around like someone who doesn't need an insurance policy.

4. Michelle Obama. Sources say RuPaul would top this list, because Obama really wants to appoint a transgender justice, but shehe doesn't have a law license. Then again, neither does Mobama since she "voluntarily" surrendered her law license in 1993. But she does have experience denying people healthcare, a big bonus since Obama may have to fight an eventual challenge to Obamacare in the Supreme Court. She may also fit the transgender prerequisite.

5. Barack Obama. Is it any surprise? Last time I looked, Barack Obama was an expert on everything. Already the CEO of GM, the nation's chief nuclear expert, our Physician in Chief, top insurance expert, head apologist, and top economist (no doubt I'm leaving out many of his other areas of expertise), the pResident has to occupy his time with something other than ... being president.

A PhotoChop by Jamie

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The Short List of Candidates to Replace Justice Stevens

Meatloaf’s Surprise: Gas To Run Out; Singer Bursts In Response

Outdated rock ‘n roll singer Meatloaf exploded Tuesday after learning he could get better gas mileage by losing weight.

“You’re kidding me!” he said when learning of a University of Illinois study that concluded America will be out of fuel by the end of 2020 if fat people don’t exercise, lose weight, and become generally miserable because they’re no longer fat and content. [Full disclosure: Your stupid narrator is fat and content.]

“Hell, if I had known I could burn more fossil fuels by eating another hamburger a day, I would have done it earlier. But it’s never too late to get fatter!” Meatloaf said, plodding across the street to a McDonald’s.

The singer, famous for albums he didn’t write, such as Bat out of Hell, Bat out of Hell II, and Bat out of Hell III (not that his handlers were obsessed with small rabid nocturnal cave-dwelling creatures, or anything), was later taken to a nearby hospital shortly after hearing the news, because his stomach burst. A TV crew captured this video of the incident:



Meanwhile, the new study by University of Illinois computer science professor Sheldon H. Jacobson and doctoral student Douglas King estimates weight-based fuel consumption will cause the average American vehicle to get less than 10 mpg by the end of the decade. As a result, Americans will buy more and more fuel, as they get fatter and fatter, until the world’s oil reserves run dry by the end of 2020.

It’s a bold prediction, but Jacobson wasn’t backing down from his findings.

“Growing overweight and obesity rates in the United States continue to increase fuel consumption by adding extra passenger weight to vehicles,” said Jacobson, who also is the director of the university’s simulation and optimization laboratory. “More than 1 billion gallons of fuel consumed each year can be attributed to this excess weight. Fat Americans will strip this planet bare of its essential elements, and in another 12 years we’ll be so fat we won’t even be able to walk the billions of miles of empty highways, empty because all of the oil will be gone.”

Oprah Winfrey, celebrity yo-yo dieter now said to be well over 200 pounds (yet again), condemned the study. “I’m fat, and I’m happy. What’s wrong with that?..Oh! and can I say another reason why I’m happy? Barack Obama Won! America, I’M SO HAPPPPPYYYYY!!!!! Oh, yeah, and fat!”

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Meatloaf’s Surprise: Gas To Run Out; Singer Bursts In Response