Monday, December 1, 2008

Pentagon Hires Governator to Create Robotic Soldiers

The American military is planning to build robot soldiers that will not be able to commit war crimes like their human comrades, and they’ll do it with the Terminator, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, in charge.

Schwarzenegger, former star of the Terminator movie series, will be chief architect of the company created to make the robots. He was hired today by the Pentagon to build an army of machines to prevent the creation of an amoral Terminator-style killing machine that murders indiscriminately.

The move had nothing to do with Schwarzenegger’s announcement earlier in the day that California was in a fiscal state of emergency, had annexed Hollywood, and would soon begin re-remaking old/new Hollywood pictures like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, King Kong, and Psycho to restock the state’s coffers.

"Without immediate action, our state is headed for a fiscal disaster where everyone will be hurt, including Mickey Mouse and my Terminator franchise. Cauli-fornia Uber Alles!" Schwarzenegger said at a news conference this afternoon in his Los Angeles office before announcing he was resigning to take the new job.

Former Gov. Gray Davis will be sworn in as Schwarzenegger’s replacement at 8 a.m. tomorrow. Rolling brownouts will begin promptly at 8:15 a.m.

“We believe Governor Schwarzenegger’s vast experience in an overproduced movie franchise will give us the leadership to create the ultimate killing machine – a kinder, gentler soldier who identifies his enemy by computer recognition and annihilates him without personal prejudice and spares innocent civilians, leaving them to the evil whims of lawmakers in the Senate,” said Robert Gates, newly appointed defense secretary under President-elect Barrack Obama and current secretary of defense in lame duck President George W. Bush’s administration.

Following his statement, members of the press booed Gates, chanting: “You’re not liberal enough! You’re not liberal enough!”

By 2010, the US will have invested $4 billion in a research program into "autonomous systems," military jargon for robots, on the basis that they would be far too intelligent to mistakenly get pissed off while being fired upon from every direction within a 360 degree-radius and start shooting back at innocent people who just happened to drop their weapons before getting hit.

Schwarzenegger will lead the initiative as CEO of Cyberdine Systems, a new California-only venture formed by the Pentagon to create the mild-mannered robotic force.

Some questioned Schwarzenegger’s qualifications. “He’s a hell of an actor, but I seriously doubt he’s a robotic engineer, and I know for damned sure he’s no governor,” said Christian Scientist actor Tom Cruise.

Schwarzenegger said Cruise is just jealous he was too diminutive to be selected for the lead role in the Schwarzenegger/Sylvester Stallone-financed thriller Juiced. The lead was, instead, given to former Oakland A’s slugger Jose Canseco, who plays a steroid-crazed, foreign-born actor who marries a Kennedy and wants to be president of the United States.


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