Duck and Cover: the pResident Really IS a "Constitutional" Scholar

I know, I know. You're probably thinking ... his birth certificate has been an issue (as I've said before, that's only because he once used it to roll a number and smoked it), and now his background as a "Constitutional scholar" is the subject of speculation.

But I have proof, hard, cold, PROOF, I tell you, that pResident Barack Obama is an expert on constitution. It's right here in his latest stroke of brilliance, his nuclear policy:

The Obama administration is warning that the danger of a terrorist attack with nuclear weapons is increasing, but U.S. officials say the claim is not based on new intelligence and questioned whether the threat is being overstated.

President Obama said in a speech before the 47-nation Nuclear Security Summit, which concluded Tuesday, that "the risk of a nuclear confrontation between nations has gone down, but the risk of nuclear attack has gone up."

[...snip...]

But Henry Sokolski, a member of the congressional Commission on the Prevention of Weapons of Mass Destruction Proliferation and Terrorism, said that there is no specific intelligence on ongoing terrorist procurement of nuclear material.

"We were given briefings and when we tried to find specific intelligence on the threat of any known terrorist efforts to get a bomb, the answer was we did not have any."

By issuing dire warnings without specific intelligence (come to think of it, has there ever been any proof of the pResident's intelligence?), the pResident is tipping his hand: his nuclear policy amounts to nothing more than "duck and cover" -- you know, the drill you used to practice under your desk during the Cold War, or as my father used to say, "bend over, put your head between your knees, and kiss your ass goodbye."

And there's the evidence of the pResident's knowledge of constitution. You see, when Zero refers to himself as a former "constitutional scholar" what he really mean is that he's an expert on the constitution of his bowels, since he spends so much time inserting his head into them.

Now that I mention it, isn't that really the entire Democratic Party's only expertise?

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Duck and Cover: the pResident Really IS a "Constitutional" Scholar

Lawmakers Repeal Obamacare Over Coverage Gaffe

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a stunning admission of their own incompetence, first the House of Representatives then the Senate voted unanimously today to repeal Obamacare, following revelations the 2,700-page healthcare bill pResident Barack Obama signed into law in March actually revokes the lawmakers’ current personal health insurance.

The repeal bill was surprisingly brief in comparison to the reams and reams of paper 7 competing Congressional and Senate draft health deform bills occupied last year, simply stating: “We can’t possibly be thrown into the health care pool with the peasants. Obamacare is hereby repealed.”

The bill was introduced in the House by The Wicked Witch of Congress, who was so enraged she could barely speak, except to say, “Take our brains; we’re not using them.”

House minority leader John Boehner -- who last time he took the floor of Congress gave a rabble-rousing speech that ended with him screaming “Hell no, you can’t!” -- today stood before his colleagues and laughed for 20 minutes.

“Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!” he said, before collapsing and being removed to his offices so he could recover enough to cast a vote in favor.

After passing the House, the bill was quickly sent to the Senate, where Harry Reid stood dumbfounded before his fellow senators.

“I-I-I can’t explain how this happened; did the Republicans somehow slip this language into the bill during the middle of the night?” Reid said. Hours after the bill also passed the Senate, a new Gallup poll showed him winning only 2 percent of the vote in his bid for reelection in Nevada.

It was a shocking first day back from Easter recess for federal lawmakers. Even more shocking: their bill was historic, the first time that 100 percent of the House and Senate voted unanimously on anything.

“Now that’s what I call bipartisan healthcare reform,” Vice President Joe Biden said, before realizing the vote completely ruined the pResident’s signature achievement to date (other than making the Guinness Book of World Records for completing the most self-demeaning bows to foreign dignitaries).

“Shit, this is an even bigger fuckin’ deal than before,” Biden said, nicely recovering. “Even I wouldn’t have done something that stupid.”

Chief White House Propagandist Robert “Ahh” Gibbs refused to comment on whether or not the pResident will sign the bill, saying only that the pResident had already promised to voluntarily participate in the health insurance exchange, even though he wasn’t required.

But sources say the pResident was so angry the fiasco would now sully his desire to be viewed as a really good one-term pResident, Obama will likely sign the bill then regroup and try to Rahm through another version of healthcare deform before Memorial Day.

After the Senate vote, The Wicked Witch of Congress confronted Reid outside his office and was arrested for threatening to kill him.

“How could you let this happen, you nitwit!?" she screamed. "You told us you would fix any problems in reconciliation. You just screwed the pooch. I hope you die; I’d kill you myself if I weren’t a 70-year-old bag of unpliable Botox! I'll get you, my dingy!”

She was later released on her own recognizance and was seen writing threats against America with her broom into the sky above the Capitol Building.

Reid, meanwhile, sat in a corner, sobbing, his arms wrapped around his knees as he rocked himself back and forth, saying, “there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home,” a place to which he surely will return after November, where he can thank all of his many loyal supporters:

Image via iOwnTheWorld.com

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Lawmakers Repeal Obamacare Over Coverage Gaffe

Please Buy More of Our Debt

Pretty, please? While I'm at it, I have some Florida swampland to sell you, too.

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Please Buy More of Our Debt

Thank God, Henny Youngman Died Before Obamacare Kicked In

Otherwise, his great doctor jokes wouldn't make any sense in a few generations.

RIP, Mr. Youngman. H/T: POWIP

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

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Thank God, Henny Youngman Died Before Obamacare Kicked In

Drunken President Leads Police on Vehicle Chase

In honor of The One ditching the White House Press Corps yesterday I thought I'd take the opportunity to remind everyone the pResident has a history of going AWOL...

Reposted from July 30, 2009...

WASHINGTON -- President Barack Obama was arrested for DUI this afternoon after taking a Harvard professor and a Cambridge police officer on a harrowing barhopping tour and subsequent high-speed police chase through the city.

What started as a beer picnic outside the Oval Office to clear the air over the president’sembarrassing comments last week after the arrest of Harvard’s Henry Louis Gates turned ugly, when Obama, having quaffed one Bud Light and four plastic bottles of water in 15 minutes, stole a Secret Service SUV and demanded Gates and Sgt. James Crowley continue their party throughout the District of Columbia.

When Crowley refused to enter the SUV and politely threatened to arrest the president for disorderly conduct, Obama clubbed him on the head a half dozen times with a full bottle of water and shoved the unconscious police officer into the back seat. Obama then jumped in the driver’s seat and mashed the accelerator and rammed the massive vehicle through the White House gate at a high rate of speed.

Gate guards and members of the Secret Service were too stunned to react.

“It was like he turned into Kimbo Slice when he beat up that officer,” said one secret serviceman, who asked to remain anonymous. “We just didn’t know what to do. To be honest with you, after seeing him throw that girly pitch at the MLB All-Star game, we were wondering if this guy was
really a poser.”

Vice President Joe Biden, who saw the whole thing from the Oval Office, where he was practicing sitting at the president’s mahogany Resolute desk and saying presidential things like “ahhh” and “ummm,” said Obama has a drinking problem.

“I knew the rumors were swirling among his supporters that the president has been seen drinking from noxious plastic water bottlesfar too often in public, but I didn’t know it was this bad,” Biden said. “I guess the petroleum from all that plastic must have leeched into his brain and triggered something evil that we just couldn’t see coming.”

By the time everyone realized what had happened, the vehicle carrying the three men had sped out of sight.

The president and Gates, however, were soon seen dragging Crowley into Halo, on P Street, where a bartender, who calls himself Max, said the president ordered four more plastic bottles of water, while Gates drank a Perrier.

“They got that nice police officer, who was slumped on the bar, a chocolate-strawberry martini, but he wouldn’t wake up to drink it,” the bartender said. “The president kept poking him with an empty water bottle and telling him he was acting stupidly and asking him to stop faking it. But, I have to tell you, I don’t think that man was faking anything. He was out cold.”

Witnesses said the president and Gates carried Crowley back to the SUV after spending about 15 minutes at the bar, long before police could arrive on the scene. The vehicle was spotted about 10 minutes later at Café’ Saint-Ex & Gate 54 on 14th Street, but only for a short while. One witness said only Obama and Gates went into the bar, then came out after just a few minutes, dripping wet and laughing hysterically and carrying sloshing plastic bottles of water.

“It looked like they had been having a water fight,” another witness said.

By the time the three men were spotted at the Wonderland Ballroom on Kenyon Street, Obama was reportedly hitting the wall. “He kept yelling, ‘SHOTS. Let’s do SHOTS!’” said a male barmaid who identified himself only as Candi. “He must have done about 4 shots of Evian, and then started dumping tequila down that poor police officer’s throat. It was very frightening.”

Obama reportedly got word from one of the bar patrons of the sound of approaching sirens, and the three men stumbled out (this time, Crowley on his own) of the bar and piled into the vehicle and drove off, just as police cruisers came barreling down the street.

Witnesses say the president drove the SUV erratically back toward the White House, weaving in and out of traffic for several blocks, as police closed in. More than once the SUV left the street and lumbered down the sidewalk. Along the way, the vehicle ran over a clown who curiously resembled Minnesota Senator Al Franken, a female prostitute, and two homeless men sleeping on the sidewalk.

The prostitute got up and ran away, while the homeless men crawled back into their cardboard boxes and fell asleep again. Only the clown died, the coroner said. Vehicular manslaughter charges may be pending, police said.

“We have to wait for identification procedures and toxicology tests before we know whether or not it really was Franken,” one officer said. “If it was, I doubt we’ll press charges. But if it really was a working clown, well then, by God, we’ll throw the book at the president.”


Police finally caught up with the vehicle on Pennsylvania Avenue, when Obama took a corner too fast and it slammed into a fence.

Police quickly took the president into custody. Obama was charged with battery, motor vehicle theft, destruction of government property, and driving under the influence, before he was hauled off to the Marion Barry Honorary Cell at the DC Jail, a cigarette dangling from his mouth.

Obama still faces charges of child abuse and human cruelty over feeding children and homeless people lead-laced vegetables from the First Garden.

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Drunken President Leads Police on Vehicle Chase

"You'll See Why 2008 Won't Be Like 1984"

It would have been more realistic if this early Barack Obama campaign ad had ended with the words ... "Something wicked this way comes."

Via Dan Riehl and Instapundit

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"You'll See Why 2008 Won't Be Like 1984"

The Short List of Candidates to Replace Justice Stevens

Image by iOwnTheWorld.com

Justice John Paul Stevens, the longest-serving member of SCOTUS, is retiring to the old-old folks home. It's probably about time he hangs up his robe anyway, if he can still remember where to find it. George Burns said sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope; I would imagine that interpreting the Constitution at age 90 is like trying to throw a baseball when you're the wrong president.

It's a tough age. My grandma's 90, and her biggest obsession is worrying about how much nothing works as well as it used to. (Hell, I'm in my 40s and I know that already.) Then again, my Dad's dad was still delivering the mail at 90 -- driving down the road at 15 mph and pissing off every person in upstate New York, all of them getting stuck behind his stationwagon, the line of cars sometimes seeming to back all the way up to the Tapanzee.

It's probably good timing for Justice Stevens to step down, anyway. It will give the ADHD-addled Liar in Chief something else to do, since he seems to hop from issue to issue to issue like a rabbit with a harem. It'll also give the talking heads something to talk about, who pResident Barack Obama will probably nominate. Allow me to jump the gun, and give you the likely short list of candidates.

1. Oprah. She doesn't have a law license, but in the Obama Regime, why let qualifications get in the way? The Puffer in Chief owes her. She coined the term "The One." She's probably half the reason he's in office right now, well maybe only 10 percent if you remember the MSM inserted their heads so firmly inside Obama's colon they extracted enough Obamalove to smear on the voters. Still, Oprah could be Zero's one. She's retiring from TV, needs something to do, and has a marker to call in. Besides, I hear Obama needs to find a place for her since her tryst with him and Mobama isn't working out.

2. Janet Napolitano may be among the list of candidates, but then again I hear Obama wants to nominate a woman.

3. Joe Biden. If Zero doesn't go the route of nominating a woman to the bench, where else could Joey Mumbles do more harm? Also, Joey's twice been under the knife for brain aneurysms, and the last time the doctor accidentally cut the nerve leading to Joey's manhood, effectively rendering him a woman. Furthermore, the Obama Regime won't be complete until a Supreme Court justice mentions the words "This is a big fuckin' deal" on camera. And finally, after Zero's healthcare "victory," Obama certainly has been throwing his weight around like someone who doesn't need an insurance policy.

4. Michelle Obama. Sources say RuPaul would top this list, because Obama really wants to appoint a transgender justice, but shehe doesn't have a law license. Then again, neither does Mobama since she "voluntarily" surrendered her law license in 1993. But she does have experience denying people healthcare, a big bonus since Obama may have to fight an eventual challenge to Obamacare in the Supreme Court. She may also fit the transgender prerequisite.

5. Barack Obama. Is it any surprise? Last time I looked, Barack Obama was an expert on everything. Already the CEO of GM, the nation's chief nuclear expert, our Physician in Chief, top insurance expert, head apologist, and top economist (no doubt I'm leaving out many of his other areas of expertise), the pResident has to occupy his time with something other than ... being president.

A PhotoChop by Jamie

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The Short List of Candidates to Replace Justice Stevens

Obama Regime Appoints PitchingPrompter

A PhotoChop by Jamie

With props to commenter Judie Collins for saying the pResident had no "throwing prompter."

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Disappointed with pResident Barack Obama’s first-pitch performance on opening day at Nationals Park, the Obama Regime today announced a historic appointment, the nation’s first PitchingPrompter Czar.

The PitchingPrompter will be put to the test this Saturday in Chicago, where it will throw out the first pitch at US Cellular Field, the ballpark formerly known, to Obama, as Comminsky Park. It will be used in place of the traditional presidential first pitch, started in 1910 by William Howard Taft, during all such outings in the future, including limo rides with Larry Sinclair.

The Regime chose the machine after seriously debating an alternative plan, having Obama better explain how a first pitch will help the American people understand the game of baseball, during 17-minute, 2,500-word speeches from the mound.

Described by the always sagacious Washington Post as throwing a ball that “floated, slowly and with great loft, in the general direction of home plate, but -- metaphor alert! -- wild and far to the left,” Obama threw a pitch on Monday that actually looked like it had the trajectory of a ballistic missile, and maybe not by coincidence.

“Some have speculated that the pResident may have thrown that way on purpose, to make fun of girls,” White House Spokesman, Robert “Ahhh” Gibbs, said during a press conference introducing the PitchingPrompter. “The truth is the pResident used the occasion to practice our new national defense initiative, Project Eephus Pitch, which, we don’t mind announcing to our enemies, we’ll institute in response to any chemical or biological weapon attack, as opposed to launching tactical nukes.”

But when CBS’s Jake Tapper countered Gibbs, asking, “Why then, did the pResident tell announcer Rob Dibble up in the booth during the game that he couldn’t understand why the pitch was so terrible, saying, ‘Everything I threw in practice was over the plate, every time’” -- Gibbs just cackled and turned away and pointed at the machine.

“See … ahh … how shiny?” Gibbs said.

Still dangling from the device, swaying like a teabag, a small label contained the following product description: “Like a teleprompter, the ACME PitchingPrompter is designed to make you look far more adequate than you actually are. Guaranteed to turn eephus pitches into 100-mph fastballs, to soften jeers into cheers, and, when asked, to even name your favorite White Sox player for you.”

Speaking of favorite players, after long deliberation -- not the three months it took him to decide to send troops to Afghanistan, but, still, long enough -- Obama released a statement today that finally answers Dibble’s question, “who was one of your favorite white sox players growing up?”

“You know, ahh, I-I thought that …ahh … the truth is I didn’t have my teleprompter with me when he asked, so … ahh … I-I didn’t have the right answer at the time. But now that I do … ahh … I-I … ahh … I can give Rob an answer: Ernie Banks.”

Meanwhile, sources tell Feed Your ADHD that Obama is privately blaming the entire affair on his predecessor.

“If that damned George W. Bush didn’t look so manly when he threw out the first pitch during the 2001 World Series, the American people wouldn’t know any better. Maybe our next move should be to nationalize Major League Baseball and order all the teams to play soccer, you know, the game of my ‘home country, in Kenya,’” the pResident has allegedly told insiders.

Cross-posted at iOwnTheWorld.com

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Obama Regime Appoints PitchingPrompter

If I Were One of These Dudes, I Would Have Destroyed the oPad Instead

Don't get me wrong. I'm a balls out capitalist, with nothing against Apple (except that Steve Jobs is a socialist prick who deserves my money even less than Bill "Totalitarian" Gates). But I think these dudes got it wrong.




I mean, doesn't the stimulus bill dictate we destroy everything by throwing our money at nothing? In that case, I would have paid to destroy the oPad.

After all, to quote the pResident, it's only fair.

oPad vid via Bluegrass Pundit

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If I Were One of These Dudes, I Would Have Destroyed the oPad Instead

UPDATE+ Please Nuke Me

With apologies to Peter Gabriel...

Please nuke me
Help me remake my country
Putting teabagging to an end
I want to be your friend

Please nuke me
We need to be like Mao you see
I only have until two-thousand ten
I want to be your friend

Please nuke me (pretty please?)
I’m pushing for the new malaise
Tearing down the rich again
I want to be your friend

You got the rogue state, that's okay
Who needs security anyway
I got no common sense, bow down to your might
Call me in the White House if it all turns out right (Allright)

Please nuke me (please?)
Otherwise they’ll be coming for me
Stealing back majority again
I want to be your friend

Be-ee my friend, I wanna be your friend... [repeated several times]

You got the rogue state, that's okay
Who needs security anyway
I got no common sense, bow down to your might
Call me in the White House if it all turns out right (Allright)

A PhotoChop by Jamie

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UPDATE+ Please Nuke Me

Eephus in Chief

It was big and bloated and backdoor and embarrassing ... and I'm not even talking about Obama's WealthShare plan.

Like Obama's regime, the eephus pitch in baseball is junk. It's designed to catch you off guard. It's deceptive and wasteful and low rent and un-presidential.

Which is precisely why it fit Zero so well when he threw out the first pitch at today's Washington Nationals game.

I just have one lingering question: Why no mom jeans, girly man?

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Eephus in Chief

It's Official: Obama Can't Possibly Be the Smartest President Evah

Back in November 2008, when Obamamania had reached its apex and swept the most questionable presidential candidate evah into office, we were treated with these statements of epic stupidity in an exchange between Historian Michael Beschloss and the affable but sharp and direct Don Imus:

Historian Michael Beschloss: Yeah. Even aside from the fact of electing the first African American President and whatever one’s partisan views this is a guy whose IQ is off the charts — I mean you cannot say that he is anything but a very serious and capable leader and — you know — You and I have talked about this for years

Imus: Well. What is his IQ?

Historian Michael Beschloss: … our system doesn’t allow those people to become President, those people meaning people THAT smart and THAT capable.

Imus: What is his IQ?

Historian Michael Beschloss: Pardon?

Imus: What is his IQ?

Historian Michael Beschloss: Uh. I would say it’s probably – he’s probably the smartest guy ever to become President.

At the time, most of us in the Conservative blogosphere were struck by the nativity of a so-called "historian" making up "facts" from whole cloth, while those on the left were suffering aftershocks from the election in the form of tingles up their legs. At least we got huge chuckles from those statements, and immediately recognized Beschloss as a hack, his comments being about as big a fuckin' deal as anything Joe Biden would say.

But, now it's official. The Puffer in Chief can't possibly be the smartest president evah:

Smokers have lower IQs than those who abstain, with intelligence decreasing the more one smokes, researchers have found.

A study of 18 to 21-year-old men revealed that the IQs of smokers averaged 94 -- seven points lower than non-smokers on 101.

What's more, the pResident's addiction to tobacco is probably evidence of why he continues to push a DeathCare policy that no one wants, and is no doubt the reason Zero spent 17-minutes and 2,500 words responding the other day to a woman's simple complaint about being over-taxed -- one an example of his addiction to bad policy, the other an example of his addiction to himself:

People with lower IQs are not only prone to addictions such as smoking. These same people are more likely to have obesity, nutrition and narcotics issues.

After all, we already know that the pResident's problems with drug abuse had a profound effect on his relationship with Larry Sinclair.

Now I know that radio talking head Michael Medved continues to say that it's demonstrative for Conservatives to label this pResident as stoooopid, but then Medved occasionally strikes me as being about as Conservative as Alren Sphincter.

So, I'll take the hit for calling Obama stooopid. After all, it's now been proven by science.

I say, smoke up Barry.

In fact, I'd like to suggest that every single American who despises this man's policies should send him a carton of Marlboros, you know, to hasten his decent into retardation.

BTW, as an aside, I would have been bored out of my socks, too -- at any age.

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It's Official: Obama Can't Possibly Be the Smartest President Evah

There Is NO Truth to the Rumor That I Am The FoShizzel Behind the Anti-Obama Billboards Appearing in Atlanta

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

That Snarky f@^&ing Basterd dude, who can't spell the word "bastard," loathes the Zero in Chief.

He also lives in Atlanta.

And there are now anti-obama billboards -- with the audacity to say "Stop Obama's Socialism" -- cropping up like little anti-socialist boners all over metro Atlanta, a city of 5 million and then some (it's also the gayest city in America ... no shit ... but we won't go there, since Kevin Jennings has decided this blog should be standard curriculum for American preschoolers).

Obviously the circumstantial evidence is rich. Too rich. So rich, Obama is already trying to figure out how to tax it.

But let me just say ... on the record ... since we all know that Greta Van Susteren stole everything from me, including her name from meine mutter and her sexy lip curl (which I perfected while stationed near Sachsenhausen, in the Motherland, God's gift to barroom notoriety, back in the late '80s) ... that I am innocent. I do not know these despicable people who would defame this pResident ... any more than I know that these people defamed the last one.

But, now that I've been linked to these trifling matters (self-linked, but who's paying attention?), I find myself unequivocally unable to avoid promoting them, for it is in my nature to be dangerous ... and to associate with known and unknown desirables.

And so it should be yours (or yourn, if you're born and reared in the South ... which ... ahem ... I've observed ... no one is):

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There Is NO Truth to the Rumor That I Am The FoShizzel Behind the Anti-Obama Billboards Appearing in Atlanta