Postal Chief Says Post Office Awash in Cash

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The post office has so much extra cash, it wants to give it to b. Hussein, so he can spend it on more social programs, Postmaster General John Potter told Congress on Wednesday.

"We are swimming in money at historic proportions. We weren’t paying much attention to our receipts, and voila! found an accounting error that, when corrected, added an extra $2.8 billion to our coffers last year. We were thinking it might be useful to the president, or Speaker Pelosi, since we know they had to pull funding for birth control from Porkulus," Potter told a House panel.

The timing couldn’t be better, following b. Hussein’s nationally televised (and painfully boring) press conference last night, in which he used the word “investment” a stunning 4,782 times.

“We’re absolutely giddy,” the president said, through his interpreter, TOTUS. “A windfall of $2.8 billion in this economy that we’ve made worse each and every day -- coming to us when we least expected it -- is nothing short of miraculous. And you KNOW we like to spend! I think we’ll use it as collateral to borrow more from the Chinese to expand the 2010 budget plan another $2 trillion!”

Potter told Congress it was, indeed, a miracle and attributed it directly to the election of President b. Hussein Messiah last fall.

Potter first raised the possibility of a huge windfall of found cash in January, when b. Hussein was still trying to find someone without a tax problem to nominate to his cabinet, but the idea had not been warmly received in Congress (members, instead, privately wanted Potter to invest the money in AIG stock on their behalf).

Now, with the stock market having crashed following b. Hussein’s inauguration, and the Treasury Department printing more worthless money than every buxom Vegas Madame can stuff in their braziers in a lifetime, Congress is singing a different tune.

"With the Postal Service awash in cash, the subcommittee will consider a number of options to siphon the excess into more government programs. I mean, why cut Postal Service costs, or, dare I say, give it to patrons as some kind of tax break? Those fools! They should have used email or social media to communicate instead!" said subcommittee chairman Stephen F. Lynch, Dumbass from Mass.

The agency does not receive a taxpayer subsidy for its operations, although Congress does subsidize overseas voting and free mail for the blind. Anything extra in the agency’s accounts, however, is subject to re-appropriation to anything our elected officials see fit, as they’ve done with Social Security taxes, payroll taxes, real estate taxes, sales taxes, and, soon-to-be, flushing taxes and light-turning-on taxes.

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Postal Chief Says Post Office Awash in Cash

Best Political Smackdown - Take 2

Michelle Bachmann, Republican congresswoman from Minnesota, grills tax-cheat Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner yesterday over the constitutionality of his (and b. Hussein's) economic polices:

Question: "Secretary Geithner, which clause of the constitution authorizes your actions?"

Answer: "Blah blah blah blah blah blah."

Although completely different in tone, Bachmann's patient insertion of nails into Geithner's eyes is equally as incredible as this smackdown yesterday of British buffoon Gordon "Cyclops" Brown.

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Best Political Smackdown - Take 2

Regulations Concerning b. Hussein's Teleprompter -- Tenet #2

An installment in a recurring series governing TOTUS, the president's teleprompter....

Pay the Messiah compliments.

His live love-ins with America are really getting boring, TOTUS. Last night's reality TV was so mundane I could almost hear the paint peeling on the walls behind him.

You simply must liven things up for b. Hussein a bit. Intermittently flash little messages on your screen, such as:

You sound great tonight, sir, even when you're not reading from my screen.

Here's another:

I heard only two "ahs" in that last response, sir. Your speech therapy is really paying off!

It's particularly important to stoke his ego, now that the luster is wearing off for the American people.

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Regulations Concerning b. Hussein's Teleprompter -- Tenet #2

Best Political Smackdown - Take 1

Gordon Brown, "you are pathologically unable to accept responsibility" for spending your country into oblivion...

What a savage denouncement of the British prime minister...that sounds a lot like what we've already been saying about b. Hussein and his economic policies:

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Best Political Smackdown - Take 1

“Overseas Contingency Operation?” b. Hussein Could Have Done Better

Why stop at something so pedestrian as “Overseas Contingency Operation” in lieu of the term “Global War on Terror”?

b. Hussein and his pals could have been much, MUCH more creative, and, in particular, reflective of themselves and their beliefs. I mean, let’s face it: As an acronym, OCO doesn’t have quite the rhythm of GWOT, although the Bush administration apparently also considered dumping their term in favor of GSAVE, or Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism. But W stuck with the term and, unfortunately, left the dirty task of renaming 8 years of familiar rhetoric to the ChangeChangeChange! mojo of the b. Hussein administration. And thus GWOT, and any similarity to the refreshing term “G-spot,” is forever gone.

[Editor’s note: I have it on good authority that b. Hussein’s teleprompter refused to participate in the decision to go with OCO, thus solidifying his banishment to the White House basement during b. Hussein’s “Get Yo Ass Behind My $4 Trillion Budget” West Coast tour last week, which completely explains the “Special Olympics” and “are you punch drunk” incidents, further illuminating why we should observe complete forgiveness of his highness, our worshipful president, for he knows not what the hell he is doing.]

It’s disconcerting they didn’t give it a better shot, though. Honestly, OCO sounds like something borne of a professional society committee of doctors, like those responsible for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual and such hip terms as OCD, ODD, and, my favorite…oh…hey…look over there…it’s a flag, flying upside down on my porch!...is that UPS delivering more 7.62 ammunition?!!??!!...umm…where was I?...oh yeah!…ADHD.

I know it’s a sticky issue for b. Hussein and all, what with him having sent letters to Hamas and videos to Iran, expressing allegiance and hoping to hypnotize them both with hope and change…alas, to no avail.

I suppose the new acronym could, perhaps, lull “overseas contingent” forces into submission over boredom. I mean, just what the hell does “Overseas Contingency Operation” mean, anyway? Is our presence among major sources of terrorism and terrorist training “contingent” upon b. Hussein playing dead in front of his Islamic friends?

[Dear Secret Service…'cause I know you watch: IN NO WAY can the previous statement be construed as a threat to anyone’s well-being. That would be COMPLETELY wrong and unjust.]

Do we no longer consider the maiming and killing of our American soldiers, sailors, marines, and airmen (and women) “war”? I guess it’s now an “operation,” as in the board game. (Or maybe b. Hussein and “Guns” Hussein, aka “Michelle,” had a particularly fun night in the White House and decided to rename the war effort after their kinky affairs. How SICK of them!)

All I know is, when I served for President Reagan, and then President George Bush I, facts were facts. The Soviet/Communist was the enemy, and the Islamo-Fascist was his cousin.

But…it’s a new day, and a new outlook, and I should rightfully show solidarity with b. Hussein and his tax cheats. As a result, I’ve decided to give them all a few alternative ideas for renaming the “Global War on Terror,” may the name rest in peace. I offer free non-exclusive rights to any of these fitting name choices to the good Ole U.S.A. I consider it my duty to Uncle Sam and his steward, b. Hussein (although I already gave 4 years of blood, sweat, and more blood, when most of b. Hussein’s administration was sucking on their mom’s teat, and accepting a free ride through college, graduate school, and law school):

• BARACK: Be A Revolutionary And Communism Kompletes
  
• ISLAMROCKS: I Salute Losers who Absolve Muhammad of Ridiculously Outrageous Crimes that Kill Society
• HUSSEIN: Hurry Up and Sell out the States, Even Indiana

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“Overseas Contingency Operation?” b. Hussein Could Have Done Better

Regulations Concerning b. Hussein’s Teleprompter – Tenet #1

The president’s teleprompter is alive. It has a blog, two Facebook pages (here's one), a Twitter account, and countless friends and followers. His carbon footprint alone obviously qualifies teleprompter (TOTUS) as a citizen/comrade of this fine nation. Therefore, it is necessary to regulate the hell out of him.

I hereby declare the establishment of a series of laws, to be unveiled here in occasional installments, governing TOTUS’ every thought, action, pleasure, and usage. These rules will govern what TOTUS can and cannot do at all hours of the day or night. These rules will govern when the president should assign blame to TOTUS for not being insistent enough to come along on “campaign stops” that sell whatever baffling legislation is pending. And, following POTUS’ lead, these rules will govern whatever general estrangement, disenfranchisement, and amusement I damn well see fit.

Yes, even b. Hussein’s teleprompter should share in the joy of this presidency’s unfolding experiment in socialism. On that note, I give you Tenet#1:

TOTUS should ALWAYS be within arm’s reach of POTUS, particularly when he’s cackling on national TV like a friggin’ loon about causing millions of people to lose their retirement, prompting such appropriate questions as "are you punch drunk?" This way POTUS can always blame TOTUS for displaying a joke that is completely incongruous with the situation.

Oh…and in the effort for objectivity, I think it’s only fair to point out that TOTUS has a list of rules (demands, really) of his own. We'll pick that subject up in more detail another time.

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Regulations Concerning b. Hussein’s Teleprompter – Tenet #1

b. Hussein Filming Cameo for 24

Apparently, b. Hussein doesn't have enough to do, what with the economy in shambles, a banking system on the verge of collapse, and a socialist agenda the likes Americans have never before seen -- unless they emigrated from Russia, Cuba, South America, Korea, China, or Vietnam.

Fresh off his "successful," appearance with Jay Leno, in which he compared his bowling skills to the Special Olympics...



...now he's going to make a cameo on 24, reading the eulogy at the memorial service for Bill Buchanan.

Let's hope he brings his teleprompter. We really wouldn't want him making bad jokes about dead people.

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b. Hussein Filming Cameo for 24

b. Hussein...Perhaps Your Head's Too Big for Your Shoulders?

I'm tempted to think of a door hitting b. Hussein in the ass, but, in this case, it's more like him hitting the bulkhead in a submarine. (Would it actually knock some sense into him?)

Or maybe he's still just too giddy over having his Rolls Royce helicopter.

No doubt it has something to do with his Super Arrogance.... Is your head too big for your shoulders, sir?

Barack Obama hits his head on helicopter door
by ITN

h/t: The lovely Moxie

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b. Hussein...Perhaps Your Head's Too Big for Your Shoulders?

Barack Obama's Teleprompter's Blog

This blog is a friggin' RIOT!

From the first post:

Well, last night didn't go well. What can I say? I was tired. By the time Barack and the Irish PM stood up, the President and I had already done two major policy speeches, three nomination announcements, and light dinner banter for a table of twelve. And by the way, that "ad lib" last night about Guinness? Mine.

So why am I going public now, when for the past two years I've let others do the talking? Well, this is a thankless job, and I sure don't want to take the fall for communications missteps. But more important, I expect you'll be seeing a lot more of me over the next few months and years. Barack and I don't go anywhere without each other; we even complete each other's sentences ... well, more mine than his, but let's not split hairs.

I sense new text being loaded now, so I'll have to be going.

Great friggin' stuff!

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Barack Obama's Teleprompter's Blog

Obama's GoFrigyourself Could Have Stopped AIG Bonuses

Well...it's just a matter of semantics. The dude had a provision in the stimulus, but the b. Hussein administration said, "make it better," and...poof...AIG bigwigs get to keep their bonuses.

This, according to Senate Banking Committee chair Christopher Dodd, the DEMOCRAT, senator from Connecticut. It's as "simple" as this:



To make sense of that garbled nonsense, allow me to explain: b. Hussein and Tim Geithner, tax-cheat secretary of the treasury, had Dodd rewrite his amendment to Porkulus...allowing AIG execs to keep their friggin' bonuses.

ButAsForMe puts it succinctly, along with coming repercussions, here.

And we have the Democrats crying most foul, exploring ways to recoup the $165 million in bonuses, via a special tax.

This is all so Clintonesque, so doublespeak, so lawyerly-like.

The question is: Will the American people get as outraged at their government for allowing this to happen as they are right now at AIG for accepting what the government clearly said they could do?

Aside from conservatives and libertarians who "get it":

Is that the sound of crickets I hear?

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Obama's GoFrigyourself Could Have Stopped AIG Bonuses

Mexico Sanctions U.S. Exports; b. Hussein Runs up White Flag, Gives Back Southwest

Mexico got tough with the U.S. today, raising tariffs on $2.4 billion in U.S. exports to retaliate for the ending of a pilot program that allowed illegal Mexican day laborers to wait on U.S. curbs for work.

President b. Hussein, in his first big trade policy test, immediately wimped out, issuing an executive order that gives a tax break to any American employer who pulls their pickup into the parking lot of a Mexican grocery and flashes five fingers on one hand, then all 10 fingers twice. (Translation: “Five laborers needed, at $20 an hour.”) Tax breaks will be calculated by GPS through chips implanted in the dashboards of all employers of Mexican day laborers and distributed electronically through The National Bank of Obama. The funds will come from taxes levied on AIG executive bonuses.

Then he went a step further. In a completely unexpected wrinkle, the president gave a speech in the Rose Garden…without his Golden Teleprompter.

“We’re…umm…going to throw…ah…open…umm…the border along…umm…Arizona and…ah… New Mexico,” the president said, painfully (for listeners), before aides quickly came to his rescue with his magic teleprompter. “In fact,” he said, visibly relieved as he flawlessly read the words on the screen, “the time has come for the Mexican people to have hope and change, too. I have no desire to start a border dispute with our long-standing and valuable friends. As a result, I hereby declare the 56th and 57th American states, Arizona and New Mexico, are now under the sovereign governance of the federation of Mexico.”

Rush Limbaugh, the leader of the Republican Party, dropped dead on the set of his radio program in New York when informed of the news. Paramedics later revived him, upon which Limbaugh issued a statement, declaring: “I hope he fails.”

TV pundit (ahem...so-called) Bill Maher immediately denounced Limbaugh, calling him a racist: “I don’t care if he is risen from the dead. The only racism in America is coming from Rush Limbaugh. Now Oklahomans are going to be out of ammo for even longer because they’re afraid that Obama is going to let the wetbacks come up through Texas and get them, just so he doesn’t have to waste his Negro army.”

The day’s events were stunning, considering Mexico had threatened to increase tariffs on 90 industrial and agricultural goods, including running water and toilet paper, after Congress last week killed the pilot program allowing an unlimited number of Mexicans to loiter around the parking lots of shopping malls, Mexican groceries, and federal buildings, in the hopes of catching work for the day. Mexico obtained a judicial ruling in 2001 under the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) allowing it to impose such sanctions, but has held off since the US introduced the guest worker program.

The sanctions, which Mexican officials said were to be imposed later this week, would have been one of the largest acts of retaliation against U.S. exports. U.S. exports to Mexico totaled $151.5 billion last year.

Mexican exports to the U.S. last year, by contrast, totaled $6 trillion in illegal drugs, $400 billion from prostitution, 62 and a half border murders (one dead dude was a half-Mexican midget), and 25 million illegal aliens.

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Mexico Sanctions U.S. Exports; b. Hussein Runs up White Flag, Gives Back Southwest

Your Federal Government Wants You...to GIVE!

NY Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy shows off the standard issue weapon for members of America’s National Civilian Community Corps, also known as the Obama Youth.

January 2, 2014, in a Party school -- mandatory conscription into the National Civilian Community Corps (NCCP) as accorded by law, the Generations Invigorating Volunteerism and Education (GIVE) Act of 2009:

YOU!!!! No, don’t turn around and look behind you and pretend like I’m not talking. There’s no Wii to distract your attention, here. No books (except those issued). No whiney little girlfriends (except those ex-Catholic girls we will provide you with upon graduation).

Only me. Eyes front! Yes…perfect. You’re just what I had in mind. Young, impressionable, confused about the world and your place in it, ready to break away from all those silly things about religion and morals and values your seditious parents taught you. RIPE for education. Oh, yes! You’ll do just fine.

Don’t question….don’t question. There’s no time. We need you. We need you very, very badly. You’re the future! Just come along and get in line here with the other boys and girls. That’s right. It’s safe. I’m Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy from New York.

I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.

Just fall in line there, behind the others. No…no…no! Not THAT line. That’s for the older people. You don’t want to get in THAT line, comrade. HAHAHAHA! No! No! No! Let the retired Baby Boomer line go on its creaky little way. There’s a bit of an unpleasant end you don’t want to see. You come over here and get in this more moldable line. There’s a future for you, now! Here…I’ll give you just a little push!…and, there we are…right over to where they’re handing out the brown shirts.

Excellent!

Now. Listen up. Listen up! You’re all here for some volunteerism. Three years, as a matter of fact. In the service of His Majesty’s Federal Government. Now, now. I don’t want to hear anything about “you didn’t volunteer” this, “you’re being forced” to do that. Hell, your parents certainly have raised a bunch of pansies, haven’t they? Of course you volunteered! You’re here, no? You’re in line, no? When you were told to be here, on pain of incarceration in a cell with a lifelong Republican injected with AIDS, yes, but...here …nonetheless!

And, you’re getting the standard issue! You ARE volunteers! A splendid, American thing to do. Why, you’re heroes…like the brave men who went off to fight some war some such generations ago that I can’t quite remember because, well, before we took charge, history didn’t exist (and we just don’t acknowledge wars started by Republicans when our brothers of Islam are in harm’s way)….

Now.

You’ve volunteered to learn about conservation, about alternative energies, about living without electricity and motor vehicles and toilet paper and safe food so that we can protect Mother Earth and stop filling her air and ground with noxious poisons. You’ve volunteered to destroy every radio you see, so that obnoxious filth coming from the minds of evil dissenters like Rush Limbaugh, exiled in, of all friggin’ places, Canada, doesn’t GET THROUGH to anyone.

You’ve volunteered to learn about stopping evil corporations from spewing their filthy waste into OUR beautiful streams and frozen tundras, so that they cease to produce marketable goods that propel the national economy upward and provide opportunities for everyone of every background and color and creed to succeed because, well, we wouldn’t want anyone getting by if the government didn’t say they could. You’ve volunteered to pay homage to the Supreme Beatific Religion, GLOBAL WARMING, even as we freeze our asses off for another winter! Now…repeat after me. Al Gore is God. A little louder now. AL…GORE…IS…GOD! That’s more like it!

You’ve volunteered to learn about how badly evil banks and corporations have raped this nation of our wealth, spending foolishly and lavishly on executive bonuses and corporate junkets to SIN CITY (while the federal government mandated they make too many risky loans to people they knew were never going to pay)! You’ve volunteered to help uplift the downtrodden poor, underprivileged children, women, and men (if they’re not in prison because Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton told them they’d never be as good as the white man and made them sell drugs, steal, rape, plunder, and be generally rotten…just to remain their enablers).

You’ve volunteered to learn how you, too, can become a Congresswoman or Congressman or Senator or, maybe, even president of the United States, so that you can manipulate the press and public opinion and, ultimately, everyone’s friggin’ sanity so that you, too, can do just about whatever the hell you please. And when you’ve got that power, my young, impressionable, my MOLDABLE, minds, if you’ve got the right teaching, the CORRECT teachings, I should say (wouldn’t want to confuse anyone into thinking I said go “right” when I meant “left”)…when you’ve the CORRECT teachings as your foundation…you too can rule the world. Like we are, and shall continue to do.

Now…repeat after me:

“I will leverage Federal investments to increase State, local, business, and philanthropic resources to address national and local challenges.” (You little bastards don’t even know I’m telling you to disregard the principles of decentralization of power in favor of STRONG central government, do you!)

And…repeat after me:

“I will encourage national service efforts to address pressing national challenges, such as improving education for low-income students, increasing energy conservation, and improving the health, well-being, and economic opportunities of the neediest individuals in the Nation”…at the ever-friggin’ expense of the those losers who work and create wealth and generally represent the backbone of this country.

And…repeat after me:

“I will expand and strengthen service-learning programs through year-round opportunities, including during the summer months, to improve the education of children and youth and to maximize the benefits of national and community service, in order to renew the ethic of civic responsibility and the spirit of community to children and youth throughout the United States”…and put the kibosh on them ever becoming like those capitalist sons of bitches who dare…I say, DARE …profit from their own sweat, blood, and government issued tears.

And…repeat after me:

“I will increase service opportunities for our Nation's retiring professionals”…to become canned food and bio-disposable landfill experiments.

And…repeat after me:

“I will encourage members of the Baby Boom generation to partake in service opportunities”…like to prepare themselves for becoming the next generation of organic food supply.

Oh…that’s good. VERY, VERY good.

Now…since we’ve confiscated the peoples’ weapons, we have a fine and encouraging stable of…shall we say, convincement, to add to your standard issue. Please get in line, for the rest of your reward, then proceed to the ammo line.

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Your Federal Government Wants You...to GIVE!

Amazing Transformer "Flashlight" Machine Gun

Here's something completely different, something you don't get to see...or do...every day.

Let's say you're taking your dog for a walk. It's late. You've got your "flashlight."

"Things get nasty. You can get down to business" ... with the FMG 9 (for 9mm) "security flashlight" folding machine gun.

It folds up and fits right in your back pocket. Sadly, it's just a prototype, says Drake Clark, MagPul's PR dude...for now.

But I still want one!

Check out Clark's demo:

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Amazing Transformer "Flashlight" Machine Gun