Mexico Sanctions U.S. Exports; b. Hussein Runs up White Flag, Gives Back Southwest

Mexico got tough with the U.S. today, raising tariffs on $2.4 billion in U.S. exports to retaliate for the ending of a pilot program that allowed illegal Mexican day laborers to wait on U.S. curbs for work.

President b. Hussein, in his first big trade policy test, immediately wimped out, issuing an executive order that gives a tax break to any American employer who pulls their pickup into the parking lot of a Mexican grocery and flashes five fingers on one hand, then all 10 fingers twice. (Translation: “Five laborers needed, at $20 an hour.”) Tax breaks will be calculated by GPS through chips implanted in the dashboards of all employers of Mexican day laborers and distributed electronically through The National Bank of Obama. The funds will come from taxes levied on AIG executive bonuses.

Then he went a step further. In a completely unexpected wrinkle, the president gave a speech in the Rose Garden…without his Golden Teleprompter.

“We’re…umm…going to throw…ah…open…umm…the border along…umm…Arizona and…ah… New Mexico,” the president said, painfully (for listeners), before aides quickly came to his rescue with his magic teleprompter. “In fact,” he said, visibly relieved as he flawlessly read the words on the screen, “the time has come for the Mexican people to have hope and change, too. I have no desire to start a border dispute with our long-standing and valuable friends. As a result, I hereby declare the 56th and 57th American states, Arizona and New Mexico, are now under the sovereign governance of the federation of Mexico.”

Rush Limbaugh, the leader of the Republican Party, dropped dead on the set of his radio program in New York when informed of the news. Paramedics later revived him, upon which Limbaugh issued a statement, declaring: “I hope he fails.”

TV pundit (ahem...so-called) Bill Maher immediately denounced Limbaugh, calling him a racist: “I don’t care if he is risen from the dead. The only racism in America is coming from Rush Limbaugh. Now Oklahomans are going to be out of ammo for even longer because they’re afraid that Obama is going to let the wetbacks come up through Texas and get them, just so he doesn’t have to waste his Negro army.”

The day’s events were stunning, considering Mexico had threatened to increase tariffs on 90 industrial and agricultural goods, including running water and toilet paper, after Congress last week killed the pilot program allowing an unlimited number of Mexicans to loiter around the parking lots of shopping malls, Mexican groceries, and federal buildings, in the hopes of catching work for the day. Mexico obtained a judicial ruling in 2001 under the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) allowing it to impose such sanctions, but has held off since the US introduced the guest worker program.

The sanctions, which Mexican officials said were to be imposed later this week, would have been one of the largest acts of retaliation against U.S. exports. U.S. exports to Mexico totaled $151.5 billion last year.

Mexican exports to the U.S. last year, by contrast, totaled $6 trillion in illegal drugs, $400 billion from prostitution, 62 and a half border murders (one dead dude was a half-Mexican midget), and 25 million illegal aliens.