Tax Breaks for Porn Staches

Leave it to Congresscriminals to spend their valuable time during these days of recession and massive unemployment uncovering groundbreaking ways to bring us, the little people, some relief:

The Stache Act (Stimulus to Allow for Critical Hair Expenses) aims to earn a well-deserved $250 annual tax deduction for every Mustached American for expenditures on mustache grooming supplies.

Maryland Rep. Roscoe (P. Coltrane) Bartlett (R) has referred the bill to the House Ways and Means Committee because, you know, having enough money to trim your porn stache properly is far more important than having a job to pay next year's tax bill. It's not as if Bartlett (who claims to be unaware that he referred the bill to committee) has other important matters to bring to the House floor, except maybe a bill that would make him piss in a cup so we can find out just what he's smoking.

But what the hell, a tax break is a tax break, right?

So as your attorney I advise you to cultivate that peach fuzz above your lip into the most glorious porn stache you've ever grown. Who knows: perhaps the better the mustache you grow the bigger the tax break you'll receive.

Here are some fine examples to emulate.

1. To choose between Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds is like trying to decide whether to spike your coffee with arsenic or shoot up with heroin; each had arguably the worst porn stache of the late 70s and early 80s. But Reynolds wins this example, for his distinguished look as dirty old man Jack Horner in Boogie Nights.

2. Next up is Frank Zappa. This Catholic girl loving paragon of the weird actually gets points for being a Conservative, although if you can grow a stache like that, as your attorney I'd advise you to be on the lookout for the First Wookie to throw her panties at you.

3. If you can rip off anyone's stache, you may as well go for the Sam Elliot look. The hair flowing off your cheek bones alone is deserving of a $250 tax break, plus you'll immediately develop the ability to kick anyone's ass.

4. Since we're on the subject of porn staches, I'd be remiss if I didn't advise some of you to look like Ron Jeremy, who would have given himself a mustache ride if he could but should receive credit for being unsignificunt enough to be cast in this role in Boondock Saints.

5. In the interest of being fair, I have to include my recommendations for Liberals: Johnny Depp, who's ability to grow facial hair is about as bad as his grasp of politics, therefore making him the perfect model for any Liberal porn stache.

Finally, it's important to point out that not every male can grown a mustache. The president is a fine example. It's just not in his DNA (what with the First Wookie probably having more between her legs than he does). Sorry, Mr. President, the bill won't be giving anyone tax breaks for guys who like to rub their mustaches together.

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Tax Breaks for Porn Staches

Batboy Named Algae Czar

DISTRICT OF CRIMINALS -- Fresh off blowing hot air at the press about the dire need to move U.S. energy dependence from oil to algae, President Barack Downgrade Obama today took daring steps, naming Batboy as the nation’s first Algae Czar.

In his first official decree, Batboy, who has lived openly in public for 27 years as Congresscriminal Henry Waxman from California, announced the president will issue an executive order later today to create the Dental Algae Reclamation Project, to be funded by confiscated tax returns of the 1%.

“Never before in our history has it been more important to explore alternative energy, what with vast deposits of natural gas that must remain in the earth in order to hasten the prophecy of Atlas Shrugged and the successful blocking of the Keystone XL pipeline to appease environmentalist voters in time for the 2012 election," said WaxmanBatboy, who will continue to serve in Congress, since he doesn’t do anything there in the first place except try to take over the Internet so he can increase his bandwidth for viewing YouPorn videos of himself with The Wicked Witch of Congress.

The Dental Algae Reclamation Project will mandate that a lottery choose annual dental visits for all Americans, for the scraping of algae from their teeth. WaxmanBatboy said he and the 99% of Occupy Wall Street will be the first in line because they’ve “been storing enough algae in our mouths to fuel the nation for centuries."

In other news, the Downgrade administration will also empanel a commission to study the efficacy of renewing the horse and buggy as the dominant mode of American transportation, how well fat liposuctioned from Michael Moore could provide fuel for gas lamps in 100 million American homes, and whether Obama darling and failed solar energy company Solyndra can use a new $535 million loan guarantee to convert the dead into food to offset the rising cost of grocery bills.

Solyndra Green is people!

Cross-posted at Conservative Daily News.

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Batboy Named Algae Czar

The First President To ...

First President to apply for college aid as a foreign student, then deny he was a foreigner.

First President to have a social security number from a state he has never lived in.

First President to preside over a cut to the credit-rating of the United States.

First President to violate the War Powers Act.

First President to be held in contempt of court for illegally obstructing oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.

First President to defy a Federal Judge’s court order to cease implementing the Health Care Reform Law.

First President to require all Americans to purchase a product from a third party.

First President to spend a trillion dollars on ‘shovel-ready’ jobs when there was no such thing as ‘shovel-ready’ jobs.

First President to abrogate bankruptcy law to turn over control of companies to his union supporters.

First President to by-pass Congress and implement the Dream Act through executive fiat.

First President to order a secret amnesty program that stopped the deportation of illegal immigrants across the U.S. , including those with criminal convictions.

First President to demand a company hand-over $20 billion to one of his political appointees.

First President to terminate America ’s ability to put a man in space-defunded NASA.

First President to have a law signed by an auto-pen without being present.

First President to arbitrarily declare an existing law unconstitutional and refuse to enforce it.

First President to threaten insurance companies if they publicly spoke-out on the reasons for their rate increases.

First President to tell a major manufacturing company (Boeing) in which State they are allowed to locate a factory.

First President to file lawsuits against the states he swore an oath to protect (AZ, WI, OH, IN).

First President to withdraw an existing coal permit that had been properly issued years ago.

First President to fire an inspector general of Ameri-corps for catching one of his friends in a corruption case.

First President to appoint 45 czars to replace elected officials in his office.

First President to golf 73 separate times in his first two and a half years in office, 90 to date & counting.

First President to hide his medical, educational and travel records.

First President to win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing NOTHING to earn it.

First President to not know how to properly pronounce Navy 'corpsman'.

First President to go on multiple global ‘apology tours’-including bowing to foreign rulers.

First President to go on 17 lavish vacations, including date nights and Wednesday evening White House parties for his friends; paid for by the taxpayer.

First President to say that America was not a Christian nation.

First President to have 22 personal servants (taxpayer funded) just for his wife.

First President to keep a dog trainer on retainer for $102,000 a year at taxpayer expense.

First President to marry a wookie.

First President to go down on Larry Sinclair.

Source: Internet meme

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The First President To ...

5,170,000,000,000.00

That's what Barack Obama will cost you by the time Mittens, Santorum, Gingrich someone kicks him out of office this fall -- provided 1.8 million dead voters don't help re-elect him Dictator and King Forever.

FIVE TRILLION

ONE HUNDRED SEVENTY BILLION

For another way to look at it, here's a table that shows the Trojan in Chief's deficit spending as a percentage of the GDP. Give him this: The table shows that Zero the Zero Accomplish-er will finally accomplish one thing; at the end of his 4 years he'll double -- in a quarter of the time -- the previous deficit records of Reagan and Bush, who served a combined 16 years in the White House.

Meanwhile, the Liar in Chief today renewed his Twitter march to pressure Congress to extend the $40 payroll tax cut, which means, if it passes despite significant opposition the first time he offered us this rotten olive branch, we'll all get to fill our gas tank halfway a little more often ... that is until the price of gas marches toward $5 a gallon later this year -- principally because The One let refineries close and blocked construction of the Keystone pipeline in favor of powering America with unicorn farts, or something.

I'd rather put the $40 in a pot with everyone else's "tax cut" and buy Barack "I dream of a day when little black lies and little white lies will walk hand in hand together and make me king" Obama a one-way ticket back to that little Asian country called Hawaii or Kenya or Indonesia or wherever the hell it really is that Barry Soetoro comes from.

Because, in the end, all the Loser in Chief is trying to do is what he said he'd do the night he was elected: "fundamentally change America."

And you need to look no further than his new African-Americans for Obama ad, or frankly look at anything he's ever said, to know that the Marxist in Chief inherently believes in redistribution of wealth (so that's why my socks keep disappearing in the dryer!), "from each according to his ability to each according to his needs" ...

Cross-posted at Conservative Daily News

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5,170,000,000,000.00

Marc Lamont Hill: A Black Taskmaster for the Democratic Party

I think this country needs to relish the days when a black man recognized the significance of the Republican Party, when real black men like Martin Luther King and Jackie Robinson recognized that the party of Lyndon Baines Johnson intended to enslave them for the next 100 years.

Because the black man of the 21st Century who identifies himself as a Democrat is nothing more than a sycophant, a willing shill for the Master, the Democratic Machine, provided he gets, in the common parlance of the ghetto -- no matter what color you are -- "paid."

Nowhere else is this more evidenced than by Fox News black poster child, aka Columbia University associate professor Marc Lamont Hill, who dishonestly asks, "Why do white Republican candidates hate poor people?"

Yet put him to the task to back up his sweeping generalities -- his, dare I be racist and say, "stereotyping" of "white people" (since Republicans are all, you know, white people) -- Marc Lamont Hill is as silent as every black woman who ever rode in the back of a bus before Rosa Parks. But not because he's scared; it's because he's a liberal professor with a cushy job who doesn't have the time of day to talk to people who don't share his skin color, unlike Mitt Romney.

I'll be the first to say that Mittens is not my candidate; I'll be the first to say there isn't ONE Republican in the 2012 field who is my candidate. I'm growing to be a grumpy old man before my time, middle-aged, stagnant in his profession, and tired of seeing the lesser of two evils as the path to prosperity for America. But I'm a realist, and anybody but Obama put to the grindstone by a Republican Senate and House in 2013 looks better than King I'll-Do-It-With-Or-Without-Congress, be it Mittens or Newt or the ghost of Ronald Reagan.

But when you ask a man to own up to his statements, when you tell a man who questions the integrity of Republican candidates -- and therefore Republican voters -- to own up to what he says, and he hasn't the time of day to respond, you start to wonder.

I mean it's not too unreasonable to respond to this: "Hey Doc, I don't have enough human digits to count the poor conservatives I know. How's your thesis now?" It does, after all, put him on the spot: I'm not black, I'm poor, and I'm conservative. Just how in the world could I be so damned wrong?

Moreover, if Mr. Hill is going to call into question the credibility of Republican candidates, he's more than open game for someone calling his credibility into question: "Don't you think that grand, sweeping, untruthful statements about 'cons hating the poor' are disingenuous?'"

But that's the point. He doesn't have to respond to questions about what he says. He's a black man; there's a black man in the White House. How on earth could he go wrong? Nevermind that the "black man" in the White House just shut down a major opportunity for Americans to have jobs (which has his precious labor unions so pissed they want to storm the White House) in an economic climate where the "unemployment rate" is dropping simply because people -- black, brown, green, orange, white, yellow -- have given up looking for jobs. It's Hill's stump, and he's a swashbuckling liberal New York professor with a fast-talking mouth ... and a brain the size of a peanut.

And I dont' fault him. It's a Brave New World. Why the Democrats have just proposed to establish a Reasonable Profits Board. Wesley Mouch would be proud. (If you're uninitiated, the Mouch reference is from Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged -- and you're living it.) But if Marc Lamont Hill were honest -- really honest -- he'd tell you that the next time you see a black liberal castigating Republicans of any sort on TV, it's only because his media fame pays him better in the long run than his day job. In other words, Marc Lamont Hill hates you, Whitey. In fact, just read his Twitter feed to see how racist he really is. He is, after all, cop-killer Mumia Abu-Jamal's publisher.

Cross-posted at PatDollard.com.

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Marc Lamont Hill: A Black Taskmaster for the Democratic Party

Ron Paul Is a Fucking Hypocrite

The 2012 GOP field is about as appealing as a bloated corpse.

You have the Massachusetts Moderate, who's really a liberal; the Philandering Head, who's really a liberal; the Sanctimonious Arlen Sphincter Protege, who has about as much chance to win the nomination as Barney Frank has at picking up a girl; the Texan, who couldn't remember what federal department he'd eliminate and isn't fit to sit behind the red button that could obliterate us all, probably because he'd forget where he left it; and you have the Great Libertarian Hope.

Let's take a goooooooddddd look at that last one, Ron Paul, the fucking hypocrite, the favorite of crackpots, the KKK's David Duke and other anti-Semites, Occupy Wall Street, and general chemtrail-fearing tinfoil-hat lunatics.

Still want to vote for Ron Paul? Consider his litany of hypocrisy...

His donors are Big Insurance, Big Banking, Big Medicine, Big Financial Services, and Big Beer, though he rails against them every chance he gets.

He has about as much fiscal sense as a retard trying to hump a doorknob, which lumps him among the fiscal conservatism of 99% of CongressCriminals.

The great, white, "let's cut this department and that department and spend tax money the way the Constitution intended" hope, is one of only four House Republicans to request earmarks in the 2001 budget (good thing there never actually was a 2011 budget). In fact, he is the earmark king; he can do anything.

Mr. Anti-Wall Street made over a whopping $1 million off Wall Street between 2008 and 2009, when everyone else's 401K and Stock Market portfolio came crashing back to the ground, showing us all that our life savings was merely hopeless change.

The candidate who never changes his position is about as big a flip-flopper as Mittens.

He can't control the racist, homophobic, and blatant hypocritical crap that comes out of his own camp; how do you think he'll be able to control what comes out of his White House?

Go ahead and scream from the rooftops about Ron Paul being the closest thing to the Founders since Thomas Jefferson said the minute people like Ron Paul get elected, we might as well slit our wrists. The fact is, in a field of hypocritical candidates, Ron Paul turns out to be just another colossal liar -- and far more dangerous -- than anyone else not named Barack Obama.

Cross-posted at PatDollard.com

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Ron Paul Is a Fucking Hypocrite

The Paulbot Creed

#1. Be Arrogant
#2. Be Condescending
#3. Be self-important
#4. Be self-righteous
#5. Tout your superior intellect to help overcome your lack of self-confidence (see numbers 1, 2, 3 and 4 then go straight to #15).
#6. Give slippery rhetorical answers to straight questions
#7. Hide/Ignore or spin Ron Paul’s congressional record of 23 Years in Congress, creating 620 bills of which 4 made it to the floor and only one became law.
#8. When cornered and have no truthful or direct response, spout angry, non-topic rhetoric as an answer, then see #19.
#9. Hide your democrat voting status from the public & pretend you're a republican.
#10. Blame everyone else, never take credit for a problems like Barrack Obama because we are closet Ultra-Liberals
#11. Berate and/or belittle your opponent whenever losing an argument, then see #19
#12. Blame America for the world hating the US and act like an Arab Psychiatrist/Pathologist when promoting the 9/11 Jihad conspiracy.
#13. Be courteous and direct others to their local cable or satellite channel that carries reruns of Conspiracy theory with Jesse “You deserve to lose a few” Ventura.
#14. Copy and paste data from whatever unreliable source you can find to try and validate your argument.
#15. Avoid/ignore any or all valid retort or facts that invalidate your agenda at all costs or whenever possible. (Go back to #6)
#16. Create a fictitious Facebook persona to hide your true identity like our Anarchist/OWS cousins.
#17. Make cowardly drive-by hit and run comment and/or “like” a fellow Paulbot’s hit and run comment.
#18. Bait adversaries by commenting/posting irrelevant points and/or points you were making during your last debate with someone totally different on another topic all together without looking like you are arguing with yourself. Try to avoid looking foolish at all costs.
#19. Scurry over to your nearest Ron Paul thread and alert other bots to join you and that you require assistance because you’re losing your delusional Liberal arguments. Then medicate, repeat, put on your drool bib and go back to marching in the paper slipper brigade.
#20. Follow #18 and 19 to the letter, then surround your opponent and take cheap pot-shots from your behind your fictitious Facebook persona (See #9 and #16).
#21. Before debating, avoid getting fecal matter in or behind your ears when removing your head from your rectum. This will be particularly useful when listening to CD’s of “Dr” Paul in your Toyota Prius.
#22. When casting your ballot for “Dr” Paul during online polls, remember to clear your cookies then repeat. Do this as many times as your fingers will allow or until the next episode of Colbert Reports, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, or your Mother calls down to the basement stairs to tell you that “dinner is ready”.

Revised; January 5, 2012
By Scott Sawyer

Cross-posted at PatDollard.com

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The Paulbot Creed

I Don't Think He Liked My "Fatwa You" Comment

Ah, Twitter.

The virtual land of anonymity, fruitcakes, and just plain hateful people who can't take a joke. Granted, I was an insensitive basterd, as I usually am, when I tweeted "Fatwa You" to Moose-limbs in response to this merry Christmas story. But, hey, my comment was probably worse than a guy dressing up as Santa and killing his family, right?

I'm such a criminal.

Alas, I guess he just didn't get it. Maybe he got it when I tweeted back. I hope so.

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I Don't Think He Liked My "Fatwa You" Comment

A Threat From an Occupy Wall Street Goon

If you had any doubt what we're up against with #OccupyWallStreet, this image, tweeted to me on Twitter (@snarky_basterd), should not only give you pause, it should send you to your local gun dealer to stock up.

This is a fight for freedom, my friends. It's a fight for your way of life, your property, your loved ones. If one of the "99 percent" thinks this way, you can bet your ass many more do.

Prepare yourself.

UPDATE: Thanks for spreading the word, Weasel Zippers, Conservative Hideout, Sondrakistan, Hookers and Booze, and Doug Ross, that the Flea Party is such a "peaceful" movement.

UPDATE 2: Lovely. The Occubagger, under a new name, carries on:

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A Threat From an Occupy Wall Street Goon

The List of Demands for the Unwashed Goons of Occupy Wall Street

Why yes, yes it is. But what's fucked up and bullshit is that what you smelly, unwashed, crazies really want to do is bang on the Merrill Lynch bull all day and get free stuff. And. Like. Shit.

Or, more to the point .....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Is this satire or what? I'm dying of laughter. Some one call 911....

Demand one: Restoration of the living wage. This demand can only be met by ending "Freetrade" by re-imposing trade tariffs on all imported goods entering the American market to level the playing field for domestic family farming and domestic manufacturing as most nations that are dumping cheap products onto the American market have radical wage and environmental regulation advantages. Another policy that must be instituted is raise the minimum wage to twenty dollars an hr.

Demand two: Institute a universal single payer healthcare system. To do this all private insurers must be banned from the healthcare market as their only effect on the health of patients is to take money away from doctors, nurses and hospitals preventing them from doing their jobs and hand that money to wall st. investors.

Demand three: Guaranteed living wage income regardless of employment.

Demand four: Free college education.

Demand five: Begin a fast track process to bring the fossil fuel economy to an end while at the same bringing the alternative energy economy up to energy demand.

Demand six: One trillion dollars in infrastructure (Water, Sewer, Rail, Roads and Bridges and Electrical Grid) spending now.

Demand seven: One trillion dollars in ecological restoration planting forests, reestablishing wetlands and the natural flow of river systems and decommissioning of all of America's nuclear power plants.

Demand eight: Racial and gender equal rights amendment.

Demand nine: Open borders migration. anyone can travel anywhere to work and live.

Demand ten: Bring American elections up to international standards of a paper ballot precinct counted and recounted in front of an independent and party observers system.

Demand eleven: Immediate across the board debt forgiveness for all. Debt forgiveness of sovereign debt, commercial loans, home mortgages, home equity loans, credit card debt, student loans and personal loans now! All debt must be stricken from the "Books." World Bank Loans to all Nations, Bank to Bank Debt and all Bonds and Margin Call Debt in the stock market including all Derivatives or Credit Default Swaps, all 65 trillion dollars of them must also be stricken from the "Books." And I don't mean debt that is in default, I mean all debt on the entire planet period.

Demand twelve: Outlaw all credit reporting agencies.

Demand thirteen: Allow all workers to sign a ballot at any time during a union organizing campaign or at any time that represents their yeah or nay to having a union represent them in collective bargaining or to form a union.

These demands will create so many jobs it will be completely impossible to fill them without an open borders policy.

Lloyd J Hart 508-687-9153

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The List of Demands for the Unwashed Goons of Occupy Wall Street

Sneak Preview of Obama’s Thousand Points of Darkness “Jobs” Plan

“Here comes the orator! with his flood of words, and his drop of reason.” -- Benjamin Franklin

WASHINGTON, D.C – In a major campaign (jobs) speech before Congress tomorrow night, President Barack Obama will say that jobs are priority #1, just as soon as he gets re-elected in 2012.

In the meantime, the “Great Orator” will spell out a 5-point plan that will continue to spread a matrix of a Thousand Points of Darkness throughout the land until he can once again claim in January 2013 that “we are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”

“I have spoken of a thousand points of darkness, of all of my community organizations that are spread like black holes throughout the Nation, doing my bidding. We will work hand in hand, encouraging, sometimes leading, sometimes being led, rewarding, as long as they bring me votes. We will work on this in the White House, in the Cabinet agencies, and in the Czar fiefdoms. I will go to the people and the programs that are the darker points of darkness, and I will ask every member of my government to become more like me. The old ideas are new again because they are not old, they are timeless: corruption, blaming, vacationing, and a socialism that finds its expression in taking apart and eradicating freedom,” he will tell the nation during his 7 p.m. televised address, while the rest of America ignores him, eats dinner, and gets ready for the opening game of the 2011 National Football League season.

Obama’s $300 billion lackluster plan proposes:

1. Naming Teamsters President Jimmy Hoffa as Unicorn Czar. Hoffa will head a new agency, the Department of Unicorn Re-education and Training. Hoffa will be in charge of taking out Tea Party members and about half of the nation’s 20 million-plus unemployed in a new Unicorn Factory System, to be established at various federal property holdings throughout the country, and re-educating and training them to become unicorns.

2. Establishing a new back-to-work stimulus plan called Rainbows Across America. Each new unicorn will be put to work building rainbows that will span every acre of the country. The rainbows will bring every parcel of land under federal government control, effectively abolishing private property, thereby eliminating the need for American citizens to work to make their mortgage or rent payments, while corporations will cede control of the physical location of their business to the Teamsters. Unicorns will not receive pay, but for sustenance they’ll be given ample amounts of cake.

3. Creating the Barack Obama Caddy and Bus Driver Fund. Immediately following his speech, the president will go on permanent vacation until his presumed second inauguration in January 2013. Instead of running the country, Obama will embark on the I Take No Responsibility Bus Tour across America, stopping every day at a golf course to, of course, play golf. Obama expects a sizeable amount of sycophants to accompany him both on the road and at the golf course. Cabinet members and CongressCriminals will be invited, providing unemployed people at each stop with the opportunity to caddy for Obama et al for a day. Various people in each of the 57 states on the tour route -- handpicked from a list of those who’ve filed unemployment claims, received welfare or food stamps, or previously worked for ACORN during the past three years -- will be selected to drive the buses in Obama’s entourage.

4. Engineering the Restore Obama Stickers to America’s Cars program. The president will have the Treasury print Obama 2012 bumper stickers instead of money. Anyone not included in either the Rainbows Across America or Barack Obama Caddy and Bus Driver Fund programs will be ordered to place the bumper stickers on all cars in every Costco parking lot in America. Instead of a paycheck, participants will receive coupons for 7 free Costco Polish dog combo meals each week.

5. Enacting a Re-Elect Barack Obama Draft. All participants in the Thousand Points of Darkness plan will be conscripted into the Democratic Party and required to pre-cast 2012 ballots for Obama upon entering the program. Members of the Teamsters, SEIU, ACORN, and various other union and community organizations will stuff ballots, punch chads, and fill in electronic voting records in place of program participants in November 2012, thereby ensuring Obama’s re-election.

Otherwise, there’s no chance in hell he would win, even if he were running against the fly he publically murdered during a 2009 interview.

Cross-posted at PatDollard.com

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Sneak Preview of Obama’s Thousand Points of Darkness “Jobs” Plan

I Promise Never to K@@@ the President in Print Again

I Promise Never to K@@@ the President in Print Again.

I Promise Never to K@@@ the President in Print Again.

I Promise Never to K@@@ the President in Print Again.

I Promise Never to K@@@ the President in Print Again.

I Promise Never to K@@@ the President in Print Again.

I Promise Never to K@@@ the President in Print Again.

I Promise Never to K@@@ the President in Print Again.

I Promise Never to K@@@ the President in Print Again

Whatever.

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I Promise Never to K@@@ the President in Print Again

Happy New Year, You Basterds

May 2011 see more routing of Democrats. May your resolutions become realities. May you send Barack Obama wicked thoughts that cause him to go terminally insane. Our future depends on it.

Happy New Year

Image via Moonbattery

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Happy New Year, You Basterds