A guest post by Az Zaqqum, Islamic scholar to the Kafurs
It was the night before Christmas and Muhammad was confused.
Should Muslims have fun holidays like the Christians and Jews?
8 days of Hanukkah or a fat Jinn in a red suit,
Who used reindeers not camels to carry his loot?
And what kind of presents would Muhammad think best?
Barbies in burkas and suicide vests?
It had to be something the kafurs would envy
Teddy bears named Muhammad or something trendy.
But that’s too much work for a man who had fits
With angels who’d scare him out of his wits.
It would have to be simple and easy to do
And try not to get sick with that kafur swine flu
So he laid on his bed, the left side of course,
Couldn’t lay on his back considering the source
Of Sharia and Hadith and all those rules
Can’t have kafurs thinking we’re fools.
As he laid on his left side, trying hard not to sleep,
When in crept a dog without making a peep.
He said to Muhammad, such an idea I have
I’d tell you now, but we’re forbidden to laugh
Muhammad was startled by the sight of the dog
They’re considered impure if you read all the blogs
But with the crescent moon setting he had to decide
Listen to the dog or forget the yuletide.
So the dog said to Muhammad this has to be done right
Or the Sunni and Shia will start a big fight
And that damned winged horse that flew to the sky
That screwed up the prayers, is it 3 or is it 5?
But Muhammad disagreed; the dog be can’t be right
I’ve given them holidays for at least a few nights
Like Ramadan to starve them from sun up to sun down
A billion hungry Muslims all running around
A month of No sex, food, or water, from dawn until dusk
And then the celebration of Eid, where they can pig out and lust
They can eat lots of dates and wear all their best clothes
And visit a gravesite … before they’re blown up by their foes.
The can ask forgiveness and even pray for more wives
It’s all about sex, haven’t I given them good lives?
Plus, the angel Gabe descends with white clothes
For Muhammad’s grandsons, all dead, but who knows
We eat lots of food on all 3 days
And pay zakat to the poor but not if they’re gay
I have already given them this holiday you see,
But only when the moon is sighted by three
And it’s never the same time, so they have to remember
Like this year it fell on the 21 of September
And the dog said to Muhammad, 30 days of fasting, 3 days to over eat
If that’s the best you can do, they’ve got you beat.
The kafurs give presents, charity and good cheer
And it’s always the same month year after year
Besides, said Muhammad, for 1400 years it’s been a tradition
To make fun of the holidays of the Jews and the Christian.
We can’t change it now, it’s gone on far too long
Plus Sharia forbids us from singing a song
But what of the treaty of Hudaibiyya, argued the dog with skill
Where you denied you were a prophet so you wouldn’t be killed
If you could fake it then you could fake it now
Say Happy Holidays to the kafurs and don’t have a cow
Tell Muslims to be tolerant or go back where they’re from
Or they’ll be eating the fruit of the Az Zaqqum
To celebrate life’s mysteries should be each human’s right
It shouldn’t be a reason for Muslims to hate or to fight.
Forget it said Muhammad, as they’ve ignored much that I’ve said
They follow their scholars and the Hadith they’ve read.
And they made up the Quran long after I was dead.
Good luck to you all, I’m going back to bed.
And that’s your Muslim winter holiday. And to all a good night
And of course we all know the dog was right.
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