WASHINGTON — pResident Barack Obama made a decision in record time today, appointing Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to the position of Terrorism Czar after learning of the idea just this morning from Attorney General Eric Holder following a recent bow-ful trip through Asia.
Mohammed, detained as an enemy combatant since 2003, was scheduled to undergo a federal trial in Manhattan as the self-proclaimed mastermind of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. Instead, he’ll be in charge of establishing terrorist camps throughout the U.S. to train Daily Kossacks, Democratic Undergroundlings, ACORNuts, public school children, and circus midgets in tactics proven to maim and kill and eradicate tea-bagging racist mobster fly-over-country conservatives.
The program will be called Operation Tea-had.
“The 2010 elections are just around the corner. With what happened recently in New Jersey and Virginia, with Congress approving health care in the dead of the night and the Senate set to vote to proceed with a vote to vote about voting on health care tomorrow, it was imperative that we act quickly,” the pResident said during an impromptu press conference this afternoon, Mohammed standing to Obama’s left, wearing the orange prison jumpsuit he’s grown accustomed to after more than six years in captivity. Sources say the jumpsuit will become the regular uniform for officials of the new Terrorism Department, the backs of the jumpsuits bearing this insignia:
“Uh … fastest time I’ve ever made up my mind on something. It was such an easy decision to make, not like that Afghanistan business,” the pResident said. “I know our troops can hang in there if they don’t get reinforcements until after my next election. After all, they’re such good photo-op material. But back home? We need to act fast before the tea-baggers form a groundswell that lifts Republicans to victory in key elections next year.
“If Mohammed had been convicted, we wouldn’t have let him go, anyway. Why not use his talents in a destructive way?”
The pResident, off teleprompter for the whole press conference, went rambling on about things he missed during his trip to Asia, like Michelle Obama’s boob belts, favorable Gallup polls, and Oprah’s announcement to move her collection of tent dresses to Montecito.
Then, strangely, Obama turned to Mohammed … and bowed.
Rather than accept the gesture as a sign of respect, Mohammed apparently thought Obama was showing weakness and reached inside his jumpsuit and withdrew a sword and, shouting “Allahu Akhbar,” hacked off the pResident’s head.
A shocked White House press corps immediately burst into tears. Mohammed ignored them, turning, instead, to stare, hatred burning in his black-hole eyes, at Vice President Joe Biden, who’d been standing to the president’s right before the mayhem ensued.
Biden didn’t bat an eyelash, saying: “I have three words for you, Mr. Mohammed: My head isn’t worth cutting off, anyway.”