Obama Threatens to Quit Over NBC-Boyle Incident

WASHINGTON -- President Barack Obama threatened to resign today if he can’t have Susan Boyle’s 9 p.m. timeslot on NBC Wednesday to try to drum up support for his sagging plan for health care “reform.”

“Yesterday, I said it wasn’t about me. I friggin’ lied. IT IS!” he said this morning during an impromptu press conference at the White House, visibly angry and, strangely, not reading from a teleprompter. “This health care bill WILL pass. And you WILL give me that 9 p.m. timeslot, NBC. If I don’t get it…I’m gonna…I’m gonna….I’m gonna quit! You’ll be stuck with Slapstick for president. Live with it. You’ll be sorry!”

The president made the announcement to reporters at a time when his poll numbers and support for his policies have never been lower. In fact, his plan for national health care is receiving serious criticism from both Republicans and Democrats, who both know that raising taxes to pay for health care and effectively killing private industry guarantees they’ll be jobless and first in line on Obama’s coming breadlines, beginning with the fall of 2010, cascading into elections in 2012 and beyond.

Obama refused to take questions afterward, instead throwing one shoe at long-time White House correspondent Helen Thomas and the other at ABC’s Jake Tapper, before storming out of the room and punching a door. He could be heard sobbing and heaving and raging in a fit of his infamous temper until the doors swung shut behind him.

“I’ve covered all 44 presidents, and this is the first time I can honestly say we have one whose narcissism and maturity is equal to that of a three-year-old,” Thomas said following the incident.

Yesterday, the major networks balked at giving Obama their lucrative TV timeslot of 9 p.m. on Wednesday, a night when they all air semi-popular reality programming. ABC, CBS, and NBC agreed to show the president’s news conference at 8 p.m., when far fewer people watch TV. Fox refused to give the president any air at all, instead choosing to rerun the final, two-hour episode of the canceled reality TV show “Who Can Knit the Fastest!?!"

One NBC executive, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being made an example and in retribution having his body dumped in the Hudson River, said it was highly unlikely the network would acquiesce to Obama’s demands.

“Let’s face it: Susan Boyle looks a lot better than the president right now, considering. Plus, why would we air a failing plan for outright socialism in primetime when Boyle’s appearance on ‘America’s Got Talent’ is going to net us about $1 million in ad revenue. Really, does he have to pick everyone’s pockets?”

Vice President Joe Biden said he’s prepared for the job if Obama vacates his office.

“I’ve learned a lot from him,” Biden said. “We’re more than prepared to spend more than we have to keep from going broke, and that’s with or without Barack Obama in the Oval Office. The only difference I can think of is that with me in charge, I’d ask Congress to suspend the alcohol tax on my inauguration day, so everyone can drink cheap Budweiser...Budweiser...Budweiser to celebrate!”

Biden refused to comment on allegations he gets a tenth of a cent from Anheuser-Busch each time he mentions their best-selling beer.