Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Tax Breaks for Porn Staches

Leave it to Congresscriminals to spend their valuable time during these days of recession and massive unemployment uncovering groundbreaking ways to bring us, the little people, some relief:
The Stache Act (Stimulus to Allow for Critical Hair Expenses) aims to earn a well-deserved $250 annual tax deduction for every Mustached American for expenditures on mustache grooming supplies.
Maryland Rep. Roscoe (P. Coltrane) Bartlett (R) has referred the bill to the House Ways and Means Committee because, you know, having enough money to trim your porn stache properly is far more important than having a job to pay next year's tax bill. It's not as if Bartlett (who claims to be unaware that he referred the bill to committee) has other important matters to bring to the House floor, except maybe a bill that would make him piss in a cup so we can find out just what he's smoking.

But what the hell, a tax break is a tax break, right?

So as your attorney I advise you to cultivate that peach fuzz above your lip into the most glorious porn stache you've ever grown. Who knows: perhaps the better the mustache you grow the bigger the tax break you'll receive.

Here are some fine examples to emulate.

1. To choose between Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds is like trying to decide whether to spike your coffee with arsenic or shoot up with heroin; each had arguably the worst porn stache of the late 70s and early 80s. But Reynolds wins this example, for his distinguished look as dirty old man Jack Horner in Boogie Nights.

2. Next up is Frank Zappa. This Catholic girl loving paragon of the weird actually gets points for being a Conservative, although if you can grow a stache like that, as your attorney I'd advise you to be on the lookout for the First Wookie to throw her panties at you.

3. If you can rip off anyone's stache, you may as well go for the Sam Elliot look. The hair flowing off your cheek bones alone is deserving of a $250 tax break, plus you'll immediately develop the ability to kick anyone's ass.

4. Since we're on the subject of porn staches, I'd be remiss if I didn't advise some of you to look like Ron Jeremy, who would have given himself a mustache ride if he could but should receive credit for being unsignificunt enough to be cast in this role in Boondock Saints.

5. In the interest of being fair, I have to include my recommendations for Liberals: Johnny Depp, who's ability to grow facial hair is about as bad as his grasp of politics, therefore making him the perfect model for any Liberal porn stache.

Finally, it's important to point out that not every male can grown a mustache. The president is a fine example. It's just not in his DNA (what with the First Wookie probably having more between her legs than he does). Sorry, Mr. President, the bill won't be giving anyone tax breaks for guys who like to rub their mustaches together.


Friday, February 24, 2012

Batboy Named Algae Czar

DISTRICT OF CRIMINALS -- Fresh off blowing hot air at the press about the dire need to move U.S. energy dependence from oil to algae, President Barack Downgrade Obama today took daring steps, naming Batboy as the nation’s first Algae Czar.

In his first official decree, Batboy, who has lived openly in public for 27 years as Congresscriminal Henry Waxman from California, announced the president will issue an executive order later today to create the Dental Algae Reclamation Project, to be funded by confiscated tax returns of the 1%.

“Never before in our history has it been more important to explore alternative energy, what with vast deposits of natural gas that must remain in the earth in order to hasten the prophecy of Atlas Shrugged and the successful blocking of the Keystone XL pipeline to appease environmentalist voters in time for the 2012 election," said WaxmanBatboy, who will continue to serve in Congress, since he doesn’t do anything there in the first place except try to take over the Internet so he can increase his bandwidth for viewing YouPorn videos of himself with The Wicked Witch of Congress.

The Dental Algae Reclamation Project will mandate that a lottery choose annual dental visits for all Americans, for the scraping of algae from their teeth. WaxmanBatboy said he and the 99% of Occupy Wall Street will be the first in line because they’ve “been storing enough algae in our mouths to fuel the nation for centuries."

In other news, the Downgrade administration will also empanel a commission to study the efficacy of renewing the horse and buggy as the dominant mode of American transportation, how well fat liposuctioned from Michael Moore could provide fuel for gas lamps in 100 million American homes, and whether Obama darling and failed solar energy company Solyndra can use a new $535 million loan guarantee to convert the dead into food to offset the rising cost of grocery bills.

Solyndra Green is people!

Cross-posted at Conservative Daily News.


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The First President To ...

First President to apply for college aid as a foreign student, then deny he was a foreigner.

First President to have a social security number from a state he has never lived in.

First President to preside over a cut to the credit-rating of the United States.

First President to violate the War Powers Act.

First President to be held in contempt of court for illegally obstructing oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.

First President to defy a Federal Judge’s court order to cease implementing the Health Care Reform Law.

First President to require all Americans to purchase a product from a third party.

First President to spend a trillion dollars on ‘shovel-ready’ jobs when there was no such thing as ‘shovel-ready’ jobs.

First President to abrogate bankruptcy law to turn over control of companies to his union supporters.

First President to by-pass Congress and implement the Dream Act through executive fiat.

First President to order a secret amnesty program that stopped the deportation of illegal immigrants across the U.S. , including those with criminal convictions.

First President to demand a company hand-over $20 billion to one of his political appointees.

First President to terminate America ’s ability to put a man in space-defunded NASA.

First President to have a law signed by an auto-pen without being present.

First President to arbitrarily declare an existing law unconstitutional and refuse to enforce it.

First President to threaten insurance companies if they publicly spoke-out on the reasons for their rate increases.

First President to tell a major manufacturing company (Boeing) in which State they are allowed to locate a factory.

First President to file lawsuits against the states he swore an oath to protect (AZ, WI, OH, IN).

First President to withdraw an existing coal permit that had been properly issued years ago.

First President to fire an inspector general of Ameri-corps for catching one of his friends in a corruption case.

First President to appoint 45 czars to replace elected officials in his office.

First President to golf 73 separate times in his first two and a half years in office, 90 to date & counting.

First President to hide his medical, educational and travel records.

First President to win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing NOTHING to earn it.

First President to not know how to properly pronounce Navy 'corpsman'.

First President to go on multiple global ‘apology tours’-including bowing to foreign rulers.

First President to go on 17 lavish vacations, including date nights and Wednesday evening White House parties for his friends; paid for by the taxpayer.

First President to say that America was not a Christian nation.

First President to have 22 personal servants (taxpayer funded) just for his wife.

First President to keep a dog trainer on retainer for $102,000 a year at taxpayer expense.

First President to marry a wookie.

First President to go down on Larry Sinclair.

Source: Internet meme

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


That's what Barack Obama will cost you by the time Mittens, Santorum, Gingrich someone kicks him out of office this fall -- provided 1.8 million dead voters don't help re-elect him Dictator and King Forever.

For another way to look at it, here's a table that shows the Trojan in Chief's deficit spending as a percentage of the GDP. Give him this: The table shows that Zero the Zero Accomplish-er will finally accomplish one thing; at the end of his 4 years he'll double -- in a quarter of the time -- the previous deficit records of Reagan and Bush, who served a combined 16 years in the White House.

Meanwhile, the Liar in Chief today renewed his Twitter march to pressure Congress to extend the $40 payroll tax cut, which means, if it passes despite significant opposition the first time he offered us this rotten olive branch, we'll all get to fill our gas tank halfway a little more often ... that is until the price of gas marches toward $5 a gallon later this year -- principally because The One let refineries close and blocked construction of the Keystone pipeline in favor of powering America with unicorn farts, or something.

I'd rather put the $40 in a pot with everyone else's "tax cut" and buy Barack "I dream of a day when little black lies and little white lies will walk hand in hand together and make me king" Obama a one-way ticket back to that little Asian country called Hawaii or Kenya or Indonesia or wherever the hell it really is that Barry Soetoro comes from.

Because, in the end, all the Loser in Chief is trying to do is what he said he'd do the night he was elected: "fundamentally change America."

And you need to look no further than his new African-Americans for Obama ad, or frankly look at anything he's ever said, to know that the Marxist in Chief inherently believes in redistribution of wealth (so that's why my socks keep disappearing in the dryer!), "from each according to his ability to each according to his needs" ...

Cross-posted at Conservative Daily News
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