Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Sneak Preview of Obama’s Thousand Points of Darkness “Jobs” Plan

“Here comes the orator! with his flood of words, and his drop of reason.” -- Benjamin Franklin

WASHINGTON, D.C – In a major campaign (jobs) speech before Congress tomorrow night, President Barack Obama will say that jobs are priority #1, just as soon as he gets re-elected in 2012.

In the meantime, the “Great Orator” will spell out a 5-point plan that will continue to spread a matrix of a Thousand Points of Darkness throughout the land until he can once again claim in January 2013 that “we are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”

“I have spoken of a thousand points of darkness, of all of my community organizations that are spread like black holes throughout the Nation, doing my bidding. We will work hand in hand, encouraging, sometimes leading, sometimes being led, rewarding, as long as they bring me votes. We will work on this in the White House, in the Cabinet agencies, and in the Czar fiefdoms. I will go to the people and the programs that are the darker points of darkness, and I will ask every member of my government to become more like me. The old ideas are new again because they are not old, they are timeless: corruption, blaming, vacationing, and a socialism that finds its expression in taking apart and eradicating freedom,” he will tell the nation during his 7 p.m. televised address, while the rest of America ignores him, eats dinner, and gets ready for the opening game of the 2011 National Football League season.

Obama’s $300 billion lackluster plan proposes:

1. Naming Teamsters President Jimmy Hoffa as Unicorn Czar. Hoffa will head a new agency, the Department of Unicorn Re-education and Training. Hoffa will be in charge of taking out Tea Party members and about half of the nation’s 20 million-plus unemployed in a new Unicorn Factory System, to be established at various federal property holdings throughout the country, and re-educating and training them to become unicorns.

2. Establishing a new back-to-work stimulus plan called Rainbows Across America. Each new unicorn will be put to work building rainbows that will span every acre of the country. The rainbows will bring every parcel of land under federal government control, effectively abolishing private property, thereby eliminating the need for American citizens to work to make their mortgage or rent payments, while corporations will cede control of the physical location of their business to the Teamsters. Unicorns will not receive pay, but for sustenance they’ll be given ample amounts of cake.

3. Creating the Barack Obama Caddy and Bus Driver Fund. Immediately following his speech, the president will go on permanent vacation until his presumed second inauguration in January 2013. Instead of running the country, Obama will embark on the I Take No Responsibility Bus Tour across America, stopping every day at a golf course to, of course, play golf. Obama expects a sizeable amount of sycophants to accompany him both on the road and at the golf course. Cabinet members and CongressCriminals will be invited, providing unemployed people at each stop with the opportunity to caddy for Obama et al for a day. Various people in each of the 57 states on the tour route -- handpicked from a list of those who’ve filed unemployment claims, received welfare or food stamps, or previously worked for ACORN during the past three years -- will be selected to drive the buses in Obama’s entourage.

4. Engineering the Restore Obama Stickers to America’s Cars program. The president will have the Treasury print Obama 2012 bumper stickers instead of money. Anyone not included in either the Rainbows Across America or Barack Obama Caddy and Bus Driver Fund programs will be ordered to place the bumper stickers on all cars in every Costco parking lot in America. Instead of a paycheck, participants will receive coupons for 7 free Costco Polish dog combo meals each week.

5. Enacting a Re-Elect Barack Obama Draft. All participants in the Thousand Points of Darkness plan will be conscripted into the Democratic Party and required to pre-cast 2012 ballots for Obama upon entering the program. Members of the Teamsters, SEIU, ACORN, and various other union and community organizations will stuff ballots, punch chads, and fill in electronic voting records in place of program participants in November 2012, thereby ensuring Obama’s re-election.

Otherwise, there’s no chance in hell he would win, even if he were running against the fly he publically murdered during a 2009 interview.

Cross-posted at
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